Its not over till I breathe my last gasp of air

2007-02-22T23:22:00.000+08:00

This post is not one of my usual posts. It is meant for those who are either deeply confused or trying to hide their true sexual preferences. I have to say, as we move into a new day and age, it is no longer considered a bane to have same sex preferences. It is OK! Really! It doesn't matter if you're gay or not, but what matters is if you keep it within the confines of your own world and not let anybody know. Cause no matter how hard you can try, no matter how well you can act, your instinct will eventually take over and chinks will appear in your armor, and people will then begin to suspect that you're gay(when i mean gay, i mean it for both sexes). Suspicion will turn to fear, fear will turn to anger, anger will lead to unwanted behaviour from family and friends. It is no unacceptable to be gay. No indeed. There is nothing to be ashamed of. No one has the right to judge you for your choice. And no one with a right mind will. So kudos to those who have come up in the open about their choices, it shows great strength and character for them to let others know that they're different. To inspire anyone to finally expose their true sexual preferences instead of hiding it and making everyone suspect and thus be afraid of you. DO NOT forget the golden equation ->suspicion = fear = anger. And who knows, if you come up with the truth, you may find that the person you've been secretly eyeing actually has some feelings for you!

BUT! IF YOU ARE STRAIGHT, THEN ACT LIKE ONE! This poem is for those who are not gay but actually sissies.

A boy will become a man
It doesn't matter when
When boys behave like a gir
lLeaves our minds all in a swirl
It can happen so fast
It may just even last
In the night and in the day
Guys now act so damn gay

In the wonderful fairy tales
True men were brave and strong
In their missions they never failed
And the maidens singed them songs

Some "men" now flinch just at words
They cry at being the joke
But words can't do much fucking hurt
And neither can a little poke
So I hope all men stop being sissies
And don't behave like a missy!!!

In short be like me! LOL =D

2007-02-14T19:52:00.000+08:00

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we'd want to say

1 week 1 roadshow for the past 3 weeks. How sian is that? Well, at least we're finally done with the final roadshow, the valentine's day roadshow in which we were supposed to sell the stuff that we didn't manage to sell the previous roadshow. Was in charge of the CHEERS booth, total slacking there, to the point of boredom cause if there were no customers, then there would be absolutely nothing to do but sit and literally stare into space. Well, at least this time the sales of the biz focus products were better, much to my great surprise. For honestly speaking, their products are really hard to sell as the soft toys aren't that cute and only the flowers are not too bad. Nonetheless, hopefully this eases the pressure on Li Qin cause the biz focus supplier ain't a easy nut to handle. She's a very fussy prick, I believe. Anyway, applause for both team 2 and my team 3 for over the course of the 3 weeks and 3 roadshows, we all did f***ing well in my opinion.

Its time to put on our red underwear soon cause Chinese New Year is just around the corner. That's right, the CNY spirit is in our EMRS right now, and we have already started doing whatmost people do on CNY, and that is gamble. Unfortunately for me, I have never been lucky in gambling and this has already resulted in me losing $18. This amount, small though it may seem to some, is actually quite substantial when you consider that the stakes we play with are only $1, and I'm only playing with 3 other people(Shaun, Khong Chun and Jun Wen). So you can only imagine how unlucky I am to be able to lose $18 in around 45 minutes. Lol, well, maybe its for the best as 8 is considered lucky and by losing $18 then, maybe it is a sign that when CNY really gets underway, I'll be lucky and win back 18 more times what I lost.
Don't say that I'm talking rubbish
I'm just trying to console myself.

Well, its Valentine's day today. A time for love, and all the best to those who have dates and have plans. Do use protection unless, of course, you're trying for a baby. So in that lovey dovey spirit, I will copy and paste an article which I found rather interesting. Its actually old news, but when I first read it, it brought a smile to my face and as its suitable to the theme of love, well, what better time than now to share it.

"BANGKOK, Thailand (CNN) -- After Thailand's most popular animal couple failed to mate, zoo officials are gearing up for plan B -- a DVD they hope will get Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui in the mood for love.

The pandas' first mating season -- a three-day window -- came last week. Despite a widely-publicized encounter between Chuang Chuang, a 6-year-old male, and 5-year-old Lin Hui, the mating apparently was unsuccessful.

Zoo administrator Prasertsak Puttrakul, who leads a team taking care of the pandas, noted they tend to live in isolation in the wild, and do not witness other pandas mating. "That's why they are bound to extinction should there be no help," he said.

Recent panda reproduction in the United States and Japan stemmed from artificial breeding, he said.
Because of that, Prasertsak has prepared a DVD of pandas having sexual intercourse to show the couple, hoping the demonstration -- call it panda porn* -- will inspire them to make a love connection."

*Shawn->brings a whole new meaning to PP eh? Wish PP to make PP with you?

Note: The pandas are not to be mistaken with a certain Melvin Ho Teng Fung, for it is rather insulting to the panda to be associated with such a enormous cunt like him =D lol. Also, they are not to be confused with Gilbert Wong, for though the panda may look like Gilbert, they have a "live and let live" attitude, never sulk nor do they get emo.

Ok, so thats about all I'm going to post for this post. Erm, the next few weeks are going to be incredibly slack for me in EMRS and CNY is going to be nothing special so I doubt I'll be posting anything up for awhile, unless of course, something major happens like if Mr Chan chokes on pineabble tarts and is hospitalized or if Gilbert finally goes for a sex change operation. And for those of you who want my tagboard up, well, I'm a lazy person and when I find the mood then i'll make an effort to put it back up. For now you'll just have to make do with this-->

Pushpam: Apa apa don't beat me!
Lord Murugam: Ashely worships me. He walks on coals for me.
Noah's friends: Knn, emo one more time I chop off your ....
Jen: Its not me who wrote that!
Ash: I get drunk and beat my wife senseless every night. APA APA! Where's my belt!?
Noah: cmy!
NT: ................

I promise, normal service will soon resume.........lol

We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But now who's gonna dance with me
Please stay........

So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you

2007-02-11T01:56:00.000+08:00

I'm not going to make anymore excuses for myself. Its time for me to do something drastic with my extremely serene laid back relaxed attitude towards life. Time to stand up and if nothing else, bang my head against a wall(phrase used metaphorically). Maybe I'll fail in my endeavour, maybe not. It can't be explained what brought about this sudden change in my outlook of life. I think I've realised that I've got something to prove to someone. I'm not going to stand here and wait anymore. Screw those who give me f***. Everyone tolerance has a certain level. I appreciate those who assisted/supported me. I'll repay you in kind if you ever need it.

Bringing yourself towards uncertainty, every future step forward is another step leading to some conclusion. A grim conclusion looms, yet remember that no matter what, if all else fails, you know you can rely on me. I'll take you through any tough times you're experiencing, if only you'll let me. Just thought you should know..........what I say may seem unbelievable, given my cold and tough exterior behaviour towards you recently, but suffice it to say that I don't want the strong underlying feelings which I have tried so incredibly hard to suppress to reignite. If only you'll let me.......

I dare me to prove

I dare you to move........

2007-02-02T23:16:00.000+08:00

Every day I wake up and it's Sunday
Whatever's in my head won't go away
The radio is playing all the usual
And what's a wonderwall anyway

It's good to know that you are still smiling
It's good to know that you are doing well
It's good to know that you all know I'm hurting
It's good to know I'm feeling not so well

I went to the Singapore vs Thailand match on Wednesday this week. It was a large turnout for my group of friends, we had around 40-50 people and obviously with so many people, and all coming from different places, there were bound to be some who were late and some who were lost. Getting to the stadium itself was as costly as it was irksome. Each bus we waited for was packed to the max, so some of us decided to cab down to the stadium instead. Cool cab ride, the driver was friendly and talked a lot about soccer. But now on to the match, it was once again a scrappy affair, with both teams not having too many clear cut chances and not stringing too many passes(but thats what you get for asian football). The atmosphere was ok at first, the fans were not that active and the kallang wave failed miserably the first few times it tried to take off. However, all of this changed when a)Singapore scored the 1st goal and b) A penalty given to Singapore was taken by the Thai players as a ominous sign that the end was near, the devil was coming to this earth to claim it for his own where hail and brimstone would soon fall from the skies so they decided to stage a 15min protest about it. Thats when all our feathers were ruffled and the whole stadium bar the thai fans started angry chants over their cowardly and unprofessional behaviour. The loudest and longest and most synchronised chant was where the whole stadium erupted into a steady chant of "F*** You". Well, I was naturally pissed off as well. A soccer fanatic, I have not seen anyone launch a protest over such a trivial matter as a dubious penalty. Protests over crowd trouble, yes. Protests over weather, yes. A SINGLE wrong decision against them and they start to throw a tantrum, UNACCEPTABLE. I shouted till I was almost 0ut of voice, such was my disgust for their antics. Its a total disgrace, to not only their country but to the sport itself, and anyone who condones it ought to have their heads checked for lice in the brain(especially that a**hole cunt of a "Singaporean" who thought it was a remarkable show of unity by the thais to walk off and that the Singapore PLAYERS and FANS were, you're not going to believe this, UNPROFESSIONAL & DISGRACEFUL-->see new paper thurs). Well, enough of this topic.

EMRS is ok. The mini roadshow was, slightly boring. Selling Teddy Thotz items are hard, especially when their items are gifts items, meaning its a want, not a need. Still, we managed, somehow to sell $200 over worth of goods in 2 days so well, good job to everyone involved. Next week will be the CNY and Valentine's day roadshow. Alex and I are in charge of the Ripples suppliers. So far, Ameline Soh seems not to trust us that much yet to handle new suppliers and is spoon feeding both of us by calling the supplier and arranging the terms with that Brent guy. Maybe she thinks there's not enough time for us newbies to handle it so she decides to take things into her own hands. Well, its true isn't it. 1 week is hardly enough time for a raw batch of EMRS students to source for suppliers. In fact it barely is enough time for students to settle the finer details of the events, eg the floorplan, the A&P, the stocks etc. Well, anyway, do come and buy something from our roadshow, we have a sales target of 5k over the course of 2 days so it ain't going to be easy.

And Now......"A-hem"

For those of you who keep on playing with my Tagboard, I would like to tell you all it is not at all appreciated, and that you all can F*** off and mind your own business. Don't try to give me bad reputation, otherwise when people see they think i'm some kind of person whom I'm not. What if CMY sees her name up there? Won't that make any chances I have with her go down the drain? Huh? And using my dad's name, free one issit? Nah bei, go get you own tagboard la!

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Lol, ok for those of you who took what I wrote in that last paragraph seriously, you don't know me all that well. I am not so petty as to bother about what happens on that Tagboard. On the contrary, I am highly amused by whatever nonsensical shit you guys put up there. Its just that the paragraph up there was meant to demostrate the phrase of the month................-->"You've just been emo-ed"!!! Hahaha, has a nice ring to it right? How do you know if you've just been emo-ed? Well, there's no explanation how to know, you'll just know. Ok, I shall not write too much about this topic, or I might be emo-ed too.

Ok, will end here now. Its late and I'm yearning for sleep. Today was the team building games(either Li Qin is heavier than she looks or I'm weaker than I think though I am more inclined to the latter) and I played soccer after that so I'm quite tired.

A burned child dreadeth the fire..........

Maybe then tomorrow will be Monday
And whatever's in my head should go away
Still the radio keeps playing all the usual
And you're still wonderfull anyway.......

2007-01-23T21:47:00.000+08:00

Everytime that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face gettin' clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dust to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

A short update.....my tep attachment at EMRS has started. Going through lecture after lecture about the different types of documents is not something and rules of EMRS can really bore me senseless. Sitting there in the lecture seats, I constantly fidget and can never stay still in my seat for more than 5 seconds. My mind too, always wanders off till it becomes almost like my natural instinct to stone away whenever I'm in the lecture. Well, tomorrow I'm going to slip off during the latter part of the day to work in the e-plaza installing some usb cable port or something like that. Think i'll be working with David and some other lab assistant =DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Am hoping to earn and save enough to get myself a keyboard, to practice on. Having learnt basic organ when I was younger(but dropped it then due to a dislike for tests), I think with enough time and hardwork spent, I'll be able to pick up playing the keyboard without too much fuss.

Whether you like it or not, change is imminent in life. As much as you hope to keep things the same way, to never let a moment go, to never let your feelings change, to never let your beliefs be shaken........time has a way of playing with your mind, such that what you thought was true today may be lies tomorrow. Some changes in life are for the best, some changes you may not like. Some, you may have thought would never happen. But we are all human, we live by our circumstances, we are bound to conform to it, and only those who have exceptionally strong willpower and stubbornness will remain where they are. The moot point however, is if it is at all a bad thing to change according to our circumstances. Some may argue that only weak people allow themselves to change, but what if that change of heart, that change of feelings, that change of thoughts actually serve to improve your life? Would you still do it? Or stick to what you believed in, what you felt was, or even maybe what you still FEEL is right?

Food for thought...........or some of my nonsensical blabberings..........lol

Well anyway, looking foward to tomorrow, hopefully all goes well. HOPEFULLY.........=D LOLOLOLOLOL, damn excited...........

Oh and if either Jason, Daryl, Kee Seng, or Roy(some wild chance) is reading this, I've got 1 word for you.............RIIICOLAAAA!!! Rock out baby!

Half my love's in torn unwritten pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
I know what nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

2007-01-14T00:30:00.000+08:00

Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Will he try at all,
If he moves on will he fall?

This current part has some rather foul language. For those of you against foul languages or for those of you balls licking shoe polishing **** sucking whores who support and like a certain supervisor of MSC, Mr CTC, then the next portion I suggest you might want to skip.

So I finally got back the results of my MSC stopover. A god-damned C. Seriously.......F*** that Mr. Cunt pek chee (___). Everyone else from BD got a B, while I only got a C and in his own words, "reluctant to put me D so a C". Nah Bei, act kind ah? Drop the bloody act la you low life chee koh pek. Discipline D, and ONLY discipline D while my summary report gets A, and the rest all B so how the hell does it end up a C??? HuH? trying to screw me over eh? And your biasedness against marketing students? What's up with that? You were bullied till you peed and pooped in your pants when you were 25yrs old by a 18yr old marketing student last time issit? Shows how much you know about the people under you such that you don't even know I'm not a marketing student but a retail student. Too arrogant to be a leader ah? Must be more humble? I don't delve into details ah? Not a positive attitude? Well screw you, you sad excuse for a a**hole licking eunuch. Trust me, one day you'll be looking to me for help and then you'll understand retribution in the truest sense of the word.

And I do feel sorry for Hwee Hua. She definitely did not deserve a C either. DEFINITELY NOT. There's something seriously wrong with this damned TEP system. The marking system especially.

There.....its all out.....

Its sad when information you have stored in your computer over the years is all suddenly wiped out with the click of a button. All my songs, my precious Family Guy videos, the pictures all gone. Everything. Why? Because my dear mum decided to go reformat the computer, without asking me if I wanted to make a backup of anything. I guess she thought that ever since I got my laptop I wouldn't ever need the desktop. I think the worst thing of all that got deleted has got the pictures. Songs and videos can always be gotten back, but pictures contain memories of the past. Well, I may feel the pinch of the deletion of photos now but maybe its for the best that I no longer have to reminisence about the past.....it won't come back no more.

For my classicals, MMD is done, Customer service is also done. Left with Business etiquette(which is tomorrow) and Project Management. Well, MMD took up a lot of my time and effort, everyday and night I'll be taking screenshots here and there,editing,editing,editing. Want to know what it feels like to put in so much effort and most of the time get nothing in return? You don't need to go chase a girl who doesn't like you, all you have to do is a MMD project using Image Composer. I'm not looking foward to doing project management though. Appears to be a very very boring project.

Anyway, if you, like me, thought that the worst weather Singapore has seen in years is over, well, it made a brief appearance again the past few days. Severely restricting everyone's mobility and this has made me extremely adverse to going out the past few days. Really, something is wrong with the weather. A Global warming warning. Lets stop wasting paper, using plastic, and burning stuff. Unless of course, the paper is to stuff down Mr CTC's throat, the plastic used to stuff his remains and the burning used to burn his lifeless corpse. Muahaha, evil..........

Anyway thats about all. Till next time...........

Well if it seems to be real, it's illusion
For every moment of truth, there's confusion in life
Love can be seen as the answer
But love makes you bleed like the dancer
And its goes on and on and on........its Heaven and Hell........

2007-01-06T02:20:00.000+08:00

Take the time to make some sense
of what you want to say
and cast your words away upon the waves

i'm not saying right is wrong
it's up to us to make
the best of all the things
that come our way..........

First up......Happy 2007 everyone!!! Ok maybe I am 5 days late in wishing but well, its the thought that counts.

Went to countdown the New Year with Shawn, Gilbert and Daryl at Singapore Expo. It was a clubbing event and at first to accomodate 17 year old Daryl, we went to the underage section but soon realised that section was as alive as Saddam. So we had to smuggle the underage "pedo" kid to the adults section where they actually serve you alcohol and the girls are more shameless. We looked over to the kids section occasionally and spotted this mother and daughter sitting down and just.......well, staring into space? Erm, I am one to spend time with the family, I have no qualms about going out with my mum or my dad but there are certain places where you won't ever bring your parents to and one of them is a clubbing event. But ok, enought about that. So how was my first time clubbing? Well, it was more fun than expected......maybe cause its like a new year event so everyone is extra high and the lively atmosphere kind of infected me. As expected with 4 guys around, while we were moving our bodies to the music, we(with the exception of Gilbert) were also looking out for the pretty girls around. And voila! I saw this cute, petite, wide eyed, sexy girl dancing with another girl friend of hers. Coincidentally she is from Shawn's secondary school and I only VERY recently found out her name is Goh Lihong......

AhHhHh,bUt fOuNd oUt sHe'S qUiTe aH LiAnX sO iF I dOn'T wAnT tO hAvE tO rEaD wOrDs LiKe tHiS I gOt tO fOrGeT iT nErRhx!

Anyway now my classicals are coming to an end soon and I think Mr Fuan is a damn good teacher to have. Teaches fast,effectively, efficiently and ends the lesson early........1 day early to be precise. Erm, MMD is interesting but why do they teach such a backdated software? Why not teach Flash or something more useful? I would have been very interested in knowing how to do flash but well, I guess Image Composer would do. Not quite sure how the classicals test will be like but will get down to it as soon as possible, seeing how the previous batch of students were quite stressed over it. I think business process will suck though. Its a bloody dry subject...........no interest at all in that subject.

Went to Seoul Garden just now with Kee Seng, Poon, Jensen, Shawn, Ben, Xiangyao, Gilbert and one of Jensen's friend. Was supposed to meet at4 but ended up all of us were late by 2 hours so had our dinner at 6. Quite a wide variety of food at the Taka outlet, ate our fill, played open number, did some crazy dares which culminated into us running away from the toilet to the carpark. Not going to say why though, just in case some furious person looking for vengence actually goes to google and tries searching for the key words "egg","throw","cubicle" and "hahahaha" to see who's the culprit.

Ok, I'm going to end here for now, its like 5:23 am in the morning and my eyelids weigh a ton. Once again, happy new year to all and best wishes for the coming year of 2007.
7 is my lucky/favourite number so hopefully this year will be extra wonderful for ME!!!=D

One last thought before I go--> Would you rather see the whole picture, or the components that make up a picture??? Think of it theoratically and not practically and you'll realise that you can't really choose....

Cause everything that's been has passed
The answer's in the looking glass
There's four and twenty million doors
On life's endless corridor
No space for more of love sandy shores.....

2006-12-24T15:38:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But can I have some clarity
Come show me what you mean
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I am not in the best of moods these few days. Must be the weather......making everything seem so dull, so lifeless....making me feel so....melancholy. Ever get the feeling like you just don't see the reason for getting out of bed, don't see the reason for opening your eyes, don't see the reason for breathing, for doing anything at all actually. Even though there are people I have to meet, things I could be doing.......yet none of it appeals to me. I'm not depressed or anything, just feel that I have a certain lack of motivation or direction in my life. Hmmm..............

So ya, erm..........in a nutshell for the past 2 weeks, I've been going out, here and there, town, jurong east that side, etc. etc..........going out with various people.

And Stacy, enough is enough....I've been your supposed "lifeline" for too long and for too many times. I don't need to punish myself any longer. I have my own life to lead, and everytime I have to drop everything just to get you back home after a night of clubbing and drinking till you're drunk, I have to sacrifice some of my time just for you. You don't appreciate it, your dad don't appreciate it, and the only reason i'm always there when you need me is because I still am concerned for your well being. Please don't use what happened as an excuse, its over now and if you're going to continue this way, that will happen again, trust me. I moved on from that nightmare episode and you should too. I feel and understand your pain, take it too far however and there's a thin line which your going to cross one day. I don't know if you're reading this and frankly I don't care. I don't owe anything, ANYTHING at all to you. Its time all of this stopped. Get a proper life girl.......don't do it for me, do it for youself. If anything, try to show yourself some respect. Enough said......

But anyway its going to be christmas soon so MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! And no, I didn't buy presents for anyone. I'm BROKE!

I'll paint it on the walls
Am I the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends........

2006-12-09T10:13:00.000+08:00

My hands are tied
My mind is blank
My body bruised
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

Its finally over!!! The much dreaded and supposedly toughest stopover for TEP has ended for me! Now its on to the classical then EMRS. My last week in Value Shop was spent mainly on cutting cardboard and decorating the shop with the Value Shop team for the Visual Merchandising competition. The objective for our shop was to actually try and create a cottage celebrating christmas feel. So for people who don't know what those rectangular cardboard slips are, they're actually BRICKS. I know some are unimpressed with the decoration but we work with what we have and so ya, thats the best we can come up with, using lousy scotchtape and having no coloring pencils. Had a real "fun" time trying to put up the decorations inside the shop too. Especially the one at the glass pane connecting Pretty Face to Value Shop. Anyway, the new batch of students for value shop seem uncomfortable at being unable to slack and having to stand up the whole day. Haha, I suffered the same problem when I had to suddenly be posted to Value Shop after all that time in BD. Lucky for me though, I had flexi leave to clear and I managed to MIA for most periods so it wasn't much of a problem for me. So, anyway all the best to the new batch of students for your time in Value Shop.

For those of you who were wondering about the match between my team and Wan Yi's boyfriend team, well, the final result is 4-3 in their favour. I really have to thank Sebastian cause he was the best player on the pitch. Without him, my team would have really suffered even more. It was a.........rough game, tough to play because of the physical nature of the opposition team. It was not really such a good game for us, we couldn't string 3 passes together, had to keep pumping the ball for sebastian and zainal to run for. But kudos overall to my whole team, we showed great spirit to the end, never gave up and even though we didn't attack that well, we defended as a team and managed to frustrate them for most of the time. Give us a bit more time and the team will be a force to be reckoned with. Thanks to Samuel for coming down to play goalkeeper for us too, you were excellent.

Andddddd....................HAPPY BIRTHDAY to both JR and POON!!! I know by now it'll be belated already but still I really wish you both had a happy and excellent birthday. By the way, I am sincerely and deeply sorry to Sean Poon for not wishing him on the day itself cause I'm not the kind that will remember birthdays unless there's a reminder on Friendster or something. If it is any consolation, I don't even remember the exact date of my parent's birthday, I am usually reminded of their birthdays by either my Mum(for my dad's birthday) or my Dad(for my Mum's birthday). So don't take it to heart that I forgot your birthday alrite man? Cheers! All the best in everthing you do man, from studies to gaming to matters of friendship, I wish you much success! Will treat you to lunch someday.
For JR, I really hope you like your present!

Going to end here now..........this week has been very tiring. Sleep late wake up early, running here and there........going to use the weekend to rest. Furthermore I have a soccer match tomorrow with my other team(with my dad and his colleagues).

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got.......

2006-11-30T01:27:00.000+08:00

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

Its been a long time since I blogged. Hadn't really a lot of time to do so. Its like 1:30 am in the morning now so I'll keep this entry short.

My first TEP stopover is almost ending, only 1 more week or so to go. Unfortunately its ending on a not that good note. Apparently as I'm supposed to be in Unity but instead went to BD cause Unity hasn't opened yet, I have to go get some retail experience so now i'm attached for the 1 week to Value Shop. Just as I was planning to spend the last week of my BD stopover playing CounterStrike and sleeping.........I now have to stand up all day and say "hello welcome" and "thank you, see you again". Oh well, its just 1 week more to classical.........

Took flexi leave today. Went to watch the movie "happy feet" with a date. Erm......I wasn't really that impressed with the movie, in fact, I slept halfway through the movie and had to be embarassingly woken up by my date at the end of the movie. Hahaha, I guess I prefer watching movie with more serious/interesting storylines. Had a surprisingly good dinner at a Japanese restaurant with her though I can't really remember what the name of the restaurant is.

I'll be playing a soccer match against Wan Yi's boyfriend team at Marsiling Apartments. I'm not quite sure how the field is like nor how the opposition is like but we'll just go there and make do with what we have. Truth be told, I'm quite confident in my team and as long as we keep our discipline, we'll be able to come away with a good result. Don't know who Wan Yi will be rooting for, her boyfriend's team or the team with all her friends in it........... I wonder if Gilbert will come and give us support or not, it is after all proven that support from the stands can actually help the team on the field. Especially if the players on the field have something to prove to the supporters or if the players on the field feels inspired by their supporters. A-hem, anyone want to support us? Its 9am in the morning, so i guess that not many would be willing to wake up so early unless they live near there.......

Tomorrow is thursday............time to go e-plaza! hahahaha...........CMY!!!

Ok, will stop here for now.......

I want to run, I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside
I want to reach out and touch the flame
I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
I'm just a face with no name........

2006-11-12T23:38:00.000+08:00

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

The Arsenal vs Liverpool game will be starting soon, so I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Haven't been updating lately cause I have had no time.

TUESDAY
18 years ago I was born on this date, 7th November. Actually wanted to keep it low profile but somehow once I went to school, well, it just leaked out immediately.......cause Wan Yi celebrated it by buying me a brownie for me and well, from then on, everyone knew. Thanks too all who celebrated my birthday with me, my BD team, especially who made a special effort to make that day great. Really appreaciate it....a LOT! Thanks to Wan Yi also, and everyone who wished me too! Didn't take Flexi leave that day as I wanted to play soccer so took it the next day instead. Once again, thanks all!

WEDNESDAY
Took flexi so went out with my friend. Won't say who I went out with, cause well, rumours might spread........ though she didn't know that it was my birthday on tuesday, we still had a great time at Junction 8, so thanks to her for making my flexi worthwhile.

THURSDAY
Went to Khairul's house at Tampines as he invited us over for Hari Raya. By us, I mean Xiang yao, shawn, darius, ash gomez and 3 more of his current classmates over. His mum cooked for us and frankly speaking, it was quite superb. She cooked spagetthi with this sauce which was tasty and rather spicy. Haha, all the food was spicy, just the way I like it and just the way shawn can't take it. It was kind of fun seeing him struggle, but seriously, it was really spicy. Thanks for the invitation Khai, thanks to your mum for the delicious dinner and you better keep your younger sister well hidden from Xiang Yao!

FRIDAY
Great laughter, great fun, great slacking day for me. I mean it was the end of the week so was running around school. Met shawn, hanquan, desmon, melvin diu at the e-plaza. We all kind of went high there, they gave my number to this girl at the e-plaza, some friend of a friend of Melvin. Assholes! Hahaha, it was desmond who said she quite pretty but as they wanted to give me a birthday present, they gave her my number.......like what the hell right, that's like the best present ever...............for her!! So anyway, also went to the grassroots club where we put our name down for pool and while waiting, sat in the lounge and crapped alot there. Made a few calls here and there, to that girl's friend(aka melvin's friend) to try and get me to talk to that girl. Haha, played along but was kind of unsuccesful as they saw through it and knew that we were just rubbishing around. Then made another call to one of Melvin's classmate with Hanquan doing a great imitation of a China man's accent in practice but failed when it came to the crunch time. Hahaha damn fun la..........

SATURDAY
Nothing much this day. Just had a visit from my uncle who had a day out from the DRC. Ya....thats about it.....it was raining that day and there was a kind of lazy atmosphere around. Sorry that I couldn't attend the gig at east coast........it would have been fun but my uncle having a day out is very rare...........

SUNDAY
Had a soccer match in the morning. Ended 1-1, they scored first while I tapped in the equalizer. Quite a good result for us considering this was the first time our team played a real game together while the other team played matches every week on sunday at Serangoon JC, which is where the game was held. ONE factor which we didn't count was the heat, the sun was really blazing, it was really terrible. Had to be taken out after 20 minutes to go to the toilet and cool myself down. So when I went back in, I sprayed some icy cool water on me, wet my whole shirt and after that it wasn't that bad anymore. Overall wasn't too bad a game, I could and should have played better and shawn............you should learn how to play from players like Kolo Toure or John Terry, not Boumsong or Bramble..........hahaha....

And believe it or not, this whole blog entry took around 2hours to write. Cause basically I stopped halfway to watch the game and guess what......ARSENAL 3- 0 liverpool!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!! Ok, that about ends this entry.

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet
You know I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold

2006-11-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

I hear, a voice say
Don't be so blind
It's telling me all these things, that you could actually be mine
You are, my one and only desire
You are the reason I breathe, but am I the reason you cry

So its been a relatively uneventful week in TEP after last week's events. The BD team relocated itself to the E-plaza at level 2 so as to have more computers to work with instead of the 2 kns computers in the BD room. Actually have been sick, sore throat, flu, fever.....nothing out of the ordinary. So today took urgent flexi leave from 1-6 to rest.

Yesterday went to J8 with my BD team for dinner at Pastamania. Kind of like a BD gathering cum sending off Cheng Pei, who's being attached to one of the outlets at Giordano. Ordered a pizza and shared with Khong Chun as well as ordering a combo A. Not that good ba their pizza. Added a lot of chesse to make it tastier. Took a lot of pictures and had to contend ourself with people who have no idea how to take pictures and end up taking videoes........of us smiling stupidly at the camera for 5-6 seconds. Hahaha, also took a lot of pictures at the playground in Junction 8. Took quite a lot of pictures but spent more time trying to decide on how to pose, where to pose, where to put the camera etc. Unknown to us, there was a security camera also watching us and in the end, we got chased rather rudely out of the playground by the security guard. All of us were rather pissed with the way he chased us out so it kind of was like a relatively bad end to a good day.

Okie, guess I'm going to stop here for now. Still not really fully recovered yet. Hoping to go out this Friday. Otherwise will be damn bored la.........hahaha,maybe its time to follow advise and ask girls out eh.......hahahaha, see how ba.......

I love you, you hurt me, I can’t get around you
I breathe you, can't you see, I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude
When will I be out of the door, when I'll be done with you?

I wrapped my love around your heart
Why would you tear my world apart?

2006-10-26T00:27:00.000+08:00

I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind

There's a whole lot of tension in my TEP room right now. And most unfortunately I'm a part of it all. I knew there would be what they call "politics" but I didn't expect it'll involve me or my group. Added to that, that chee ko pek Mr. Chan seems to be picking on me. Well, those who know me from secondary school days know that I don't back down when I'm being picked on unfairly. Try to be a asshole with me and I'll show you my f***ed up bastard side. Tomorrow seems to be a ripe date for a showdown with him, what with the very curt email he sent me---> "see me in my room. Now." over the latecoming attendance list. Man, i'm going to love taking this head on........somehow, I can't bring myself to "por" people. Not at all. No matter who that person is, I won't "por" him/her. So I guess Mr. Chan must be very disappointed with our BD group cause thats precisely what we don't do.........

I want to go have some fun
Tired of all these "politics"
Sick of thinking about how we got "backstabbed"
Lazy to plot any revenge.......

Anyway, went to town on Monday with Shawn, Hanquan, Desmond, Melvin, Gilbert. It was crazy man. Especially the antics of Hanquan and Shawn, who kept on disturbing Gilbert. Laughed like crazy, till my jaws ached. Melvin also laughed until he had a headache and felt like puking. Really crazy man. Watched Departed with them, kind of like a impromptu decision, but it was a nice movie nonetheless. The movie ended at 12:30 and so some of us ended up taking Night Rider while some took Taxi. I took NR2 back to woodlands, but not before stopping at a 7-11 store to buy A3 batteries and almost bought strawberry flavoured..................condoms. The 2 asses shawn and desmond went to put the condom on the counter while I was not looking and the Indian Cashier there asked me if I was really going to buy that, and he very nearly scanned the product in. I was still blur and thought he was referring to the battery so I said yes, but realise my mistake in time to stop the transaction from happening. Hahahaha, but anyway as Shawn said, had I bought that packet of Condoms, it would have been equally tarnishing for both their images. Think about it.........3 guys+late at night+strawberry condoms = .................... you fill in the blanks.

Thats all for now........

I wonder if the Death Note Movie is nice............

I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me..........

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you.......

2006-10-23T01:25:00.000+08:00

When you’re walking on your own
When you’re broken and alone
I'm always on your side
Even if I'm not in your life

Ahh......been watching Prison Break on my laptop. Just finished watching the whole of season 1 and damn it.......I can't wait for season 2 to come out. It is seriously a wonderful show, a real quality show. I'm not very patient with dramas or serials like Grey's anatomy or Desperate Housewives or channel 8 serial shows but this show is something different. Its a very dark show, not a lot of laughter and not a lot of romance. Not to say its totally devoid of these 2 elements.

For those of you who don't know about "prison break", its about how the protaganist of the show, Michael Scofield, a very successful structural engineer, purposely gets himself arrested and sent to Fox River Jail, just so that he can rescue his elder brother Lincoln Burrows, who has been sentenced to death for a crime Lincoln was framed for. Fox River is a top security jail, holding all the hardcore prisoners in there and security is top-notch so you wouldn't expect much results from Scofield's attempts at rescue. But the key here is that Michael is a genius, with an exceptionally high IQ and it was HE who DESIGNED Fox River prison. It is gripping to see how he copes with the brutality and rigours of prison life in 1 of the most notorious prisons in the USA. Corrupt cops, gang fights, riots, rape, murder......are all part of the prison. Outside those walls however, is a great conspiracy waiting to be uncovered. A conspiracy which leads to the highest levels of the US government and the conspiracy has got something to do with Lincoln and his being framed. Overall, this show makes for riveting viewing and I would highly recommend all to watch it. Be warned though, this show is in your face and some scenes may make you squeamish so viewer discretion is advised........if anyone is interested, get the whole of season 1 from Darius or from me. My rating for this show? 5 out of 5. Definitely.

Tomorrow TEP starts again, gotta start doing the Vivocity report. Bahh........I love to slack during TEP, but I guess its time to pull up my socks or the teachers will notice and give me bad grades. I mean, tongues are bound to wag if we don't start working our asses off. We ARE after all given "pay" in the form of grades and obviously we need to work very very hard. Even if we have nothing to do, we must make sure that we find something to do, so that Mr Chan will feel that the "money coming out from his pocket" will be well spent. Maybe if we finish our report early and have nothing to do, we can lick his boots for him? Polish his apple? Isn't that right? We MUST and I mean MUST do something even if we have nothing to do no? Thats what EVERYBODY in MSC, no, EVERYBODY in TEP must do right? No one should be slacking about even if they can, no one should be relaxing even if there's nothing for them to do. All must stay at their station, not go out until lunch time otherwise our "pay" will be cut cause then it'll be unfair to the "HARDWORKING" people who do work all the time. Aww damn...............I'm so remorseful, so ashamed of my behaviour over the past 3 weeks of TEP. Oh forgive me for my selfish acts of slacking around instead of finding some work to do. I regret my actions.........................

GOod, For Understanding how to ChecK if I am sincere, YOU DeseRve SwEet LoVES!--> I mean it.

That's about all for this post actually.

After all of these years
I'm still tryin' to shake this feeling
Doin' much better, they say that it just takes time
But deep in the night it's an endless fight
I can't get you out of my mind

2006-10-18T01:35:00.000+08:00

What I'd give to run my finger through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I'm not perfect, I'm just a man

Its not been a good day for me today.

Came to school very late(slept late) for the first time in 3 weeks. Ok, not that late, only 40min late and usually you can be as late as 2hours and nobody will care but guess what, Ms Lee had to have a meeting at 9 today, meaning I wasn't able to attend the meeting. I just hope my TEP marks won't have dropped a grade.

Then played badminton with all of the BD team, again, chose the lousiest racquet unintentionally. I mean, 2 of the strings were not attached and it was very heavy for a badminton racquet. Obviously, I couldn't really swing the racquet without feeling a heavy strain on my arm. Especially when I'm hitting the shuttlecock behind.

Then came soccer. First game to me was just a fiasco. I have no idea why all of us didn't click. No connection at all. 2nd game wasn't too bad, but then it got overcrowded and the game deteoriated. Oh, and on top of that, my soccer ball got lost........AGAIN.....this is the 3rd soccer ball I have lost in school already.

No luck today......

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Having a field trip to Vivocity for some "research" and "sourcing for new suppliers". In other words, shopping for the girls, more slacking for me and Khong Chun. Hahahaha,maybe will catch a movie. But then again, I'm just waiting for Death Note the movie to come out. Read the comics and its really rather nice but I'm not quite sure if the movie will be as good.

Ok, update another time.

Oh and by the way, those who think that Vanessa and I are an item. You were right. But not anymore. You get my drift.........

Can I hold you close
Can I pull you near
Can I say the words
You've been needing to hear
I wish you were mine
And I could love you till the end of time

2006-10-08T21:49:00.000+08:00

We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
This could be heaven or this could be hell
I am running for the door
I have to find the passage back
To the place I was before

The lantern festival just passed but unfortunately it was way overshadowned by the damn haze from Indonesia and the PSI actually rose to a very unhealthy 150. But guess what, I actually played soccer with that kind of PSI. Had a pretty difficult time breathing occasionally and after the game my eyes felt like it was on fire. No kidding. There was this burning sensation in my eyes and I had a huge headache to add to my woes. Damn the haze, luckily today the PSI dropped drastically or I wouldn't be able to play soccer today.

TEP is rather fun when you got people like Shawn and Xiang Yao to add spice to life. Otherwise it would be boring as hell. So when they start their studying time and leave TEP its going to be much less fun I presume. And it is really strange that TEP is the place where you meet people you have never met before, even though you study in the same block for 1 1/2 years. In fact if not TEP, I wouldn't know a person called Li Qi, someone who is in Unity with me, ever existed even though she is in the same lecture group as me. I think either I'm too blur or I'm just too distracted and don't notice anyone else during lectures.

And apparently some guys are going crazy over Wan Yi(whats new? =D). Though there are a few chio girls around. Unfortunately one of them is in Shawn's batch and the other, Hwee Hua, is quite cheena. Yes, its now proven that both Shawn and I have about the same preference in the characteristics we like to see in a girl. Who could ever forget the time his nose mysteriously bled when he saw JR. Anyway bottom line is that once AGAIN, Wan Yi seems to be the prettiest girl there. Sian.....sigh......

Tomorrow will be the start of another week of TEP. Going to be bored once again no doubt. The thing I look foward to is housekeeping, cause its one of the legitimate times to get out of that OPS room to roam the shopping arcade and crap around there. That's why everytime I do housekeeping I'm like on a high. Talkative like mad, talking nonsense to Suraya, Lynette, "diu lei" ing Xiang Yao. Generally I give all of them good marks but my group and I always seem to give Pretty Face the most marks.....erm.....ya, don't ask me why.

Anyway thats about all for this post. Sleep beckons.......
And my English is getting from bad to worse.....damn......

She's got a lot of pretty pretty boys she calls friends.......

2006-10-06T11:20:00.000+08:00

Ignorance is bliss

Sometimes I have this fear

That when you're afraid

You turn around and no one's near

No one to protect you

Lay me down on the throes of uncertainty

Somebody please tell me that i'm dreaming

Its not easy to stop from screaming

The words escape me when I try to speak

Yet what I know now is the bare truth

Something to crush it all

Taking it hardest when dreams fall

My direction in life is blurred

My speech is slurred

Hallowed be thy name

2006-10-04T11:07:00.000+08:00

I heard your voice through a photograph
I thought it up and brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I've got to take it on the otherside

I'm in the MSC ops room now and there's absolutely nothing for me to do at all. NOTHING! Well, thats TEP for you. Actually I will have something to do in 3wks time, when the UNITY shop will finally open and I will be manning the shop. But for now, I'm attached to Business Development(BD) and boredom reigns here. A simple 4 page minimum group(4 in a group) report, Double spacing and we're given 3days to do it. Doesn't quite add up right? We finished it 3hrs after we got that assignment and now we have to wait till thursday for the next assignment. At least now there's housekeeping to do, where we have to go to every shop to check if their windows are clean, the shop is properly manned, the stocks are properly arranged etc. Gives us a chance to actually leave this room legitimately. Oh, and in case you haven't figured it out, we aren't allowed out of this cramped room unless its lunch, toilet or special cases.

Anyway going for lunch now. Update soon......or later..

Its Not Fated.........

I yell and tell it that
She's just my friend
I tear it down I tear it down
But then it's born again

How long how long will I slide
Separate my side
I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slittin' my throat
It's all I ever had

2006-09-27T02:44:00.000+08:00

I just found out that for my TEP I have been posted to Marketing Service Centre(MSC), or to explain it simply, there's a high chance I'll be posted to one of the shops in the shopping arcade in NYP. Some have said that I have been posted to Cheers but others have claimed otherwise. Ok, whatever it is, the first 9 weeks is going to suck. Oh and the craziest thing is Wan Yi also go MSC, meaning that i'm going to be with her for at least another 9 weeks(another 9 weeks of being bullied and suaned etc. =O)! Good also, at least there's 1 friendly face I know with me. Hahaha, I know MANY guys would die to be in my position. HOWEVER, if she were to be in the same stopovers as me for the remaining time in TEP, I would really be speechless..............with horror =P. But seriously though, what are the odds.........and I wonder who else is in MSC.

Didn't have the best of days today. Slept really late last night, at around 6+am, talking on the phone with Vanessa. Not a really, erm.......pleasant phone conversation. Started out fine at first but got into some topics and questions which were uncomfortable for me to discuss and answer. Thus, of course she wasn't too happy with that and I somehow erm.......got a bit pissed off also. Wrong of me of course and truly sorry I am, but when its 6 in the morning and i'm so tired, its hard for me to keep my good humour. Yeah, well, I'll have to wait till this Thursday when she comes back from London before I can apologize as I doubt she'll call me anymore from now to then.

Ok, so anyway I woke up prematurely early at 10am, so didn't have the appetite to eat anything(neither did I have the mood). This lack of appetite continued all the way to the time when I went to play soccer. So basically, I was playing on an empty stomach. Felt real giddy halfway through the game but still forced myself to continue which only made it worse. And from then on till now, I have this nauseous feeling. I ate a light dinner and if anything, the presence of food in my stomach made me feel like puking even more. Couldn't join Shawn in his crapping and wasn't really that responsive either. Next time i guess I'll just force food down my throat if I have no appetite and I have soccer later in the day.

I took a walk at my favourite place last night, the night sky was barely lit with the stars. I needed to clear my head over something. Was really relaxing and the wind was just nice, blowing gently and there was no one around. I was alone and listening to my Mp3. The song "In the air tonight" by phill collins somehow was so eerily suitable to describe it all. The tune was soothing, with a kind of mystical quality about it and it was really excellent to listen to when walking there. However, at the end of it all I wasn't really able to clear my head.

Ok, enough of it all. Good night everybody.

Even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're like my candle in the window
On those cold dark windless nights

2006-09-18T14:17:00.000+08:00

I walked the world, to you, babe
A thousand miles , to you
I'd give you all, and have none, babe
Just to, just to, just to, to have you here by me

Been working at causeway point for the past 17 days. At the customer service counter, working with kai boon and hazwan. Our jobs mainly consisted of sitting down on chairs, checking receipts, giving away $5 shopping vouchers, watching the world in causeway point go by, spotting any chio girls around, joking with the aunties etc. Not a bad job all in all. Could sometimes get a bit boring cause sometimes there's just nothing for you to do at all but hey, we're being paid for that. Anyway, I always enjoy working at causeway point cause its near my house(even though for 15 of the 17 days I'm late) and the working environment is good.
Won't be going through every little detail but here's the more memorable things I encountered.

1) Esther! Oh yeah, this girl working as promoter for motorolla for 2 days in the starhub shop next to us. Cute and chio. Got the height, very sweet face and the way she nods to customer really cute.....hahaha, .all 3 of us guys looked in her direction at every opportunity we had. But in the end none of us went to go ask her number or anything cause me and hazwan have other girls in our lives and kai boon have no balls. =P

2) First irritating customer. This customer, a 50+ looking uncle blew his top at ME for asking him to follow the rules. The thing is if you want to $5 voucher you've gotta be there in person and can't ask someone else to redeem for you. So his wife went to redeem for herself and for him and I asked her to call her husband to come down to the counter. Came down and scolded me for "setting such a stupid rule". Erm.....dude are you blind? I'm just a part timer and can't do nuts about the rule.

3) $5 shopping voucher collecting auntie. This auntie, wearing big specs, 3/4 pants, carrying plastic bags makes a living out of harassing customers for their reciepts and harassing other customers to help her redeem the vouchers. Totally illegal for her to harass others of course. So we had to do some detective work to track her down. Had to tail the customer she asked to redeem the voucher. Oh but she's a sneaky one. Very cunning, always picking those teenagers and non-english speaking people to help her redeem cause they don't know that they've been tricked. It took a while before we tracked her down. I was the first to actually catch her, but as I can't forcefully bring her to security, I could only warn her, scold her, threaten her. The next day she came back and got caught by Kai boon. The 3rd day she still haven't learn her lesson and this time I and wan caught her. This time I spared no mercy, scolding her and threatening her from 1 whole round around causeway point till that bitch ran across a road when a bus was coming and just got across in time to safety, knowing that I won't chase her or I'll be knocked down. Cunning sly. One of the aunties described her as a cockroach. Very true, her actions are that of a cockroach, the way she runs.....everything. Arrgh, I hate this kind of people, got 2 legs 2 hands not handicapped but do this kind of stupid stuff to get a pathetic $5 voucher instead of getting a bloody job.

4) Nancy Teo. The customer that really really pissed us all of. She's the customer that got us fuming and had us thinking of vengence the remaining time we worked. She came on Friday, 2 days before our last day and it so happened that day was going rather well for us. Kai Boon brought a magnetic chess set and we were all happily playing chess and dumb when there were no customers around and as there weren't many people that day, we could really concentrate on the game and it was really very good and intense. Added to that, I was going to meet up with Darius, Poon, Kee Seng later that day. And I saw JR as well. So overall it should be a good day for me right? Well, it was, only for this Nancy Teo,a butch looking bitch. She came to redeem 1 voucher and as the system was lagging, kai boon could do nothing but wait for the computer to finish loading. So while WAITING for the system to load, Kai Boon looked at the chess set, never even touched it, just LOOKED at it, thinking of his next move against Hazwan when she suddenly burst and scolded him for being so slow and not concentrating on his job. Kai Boon tried explaining that the system was lagging but she continued to be stubborn and scolding him. So I, who up to now was uninvolved but was a witness, got a bit angry already, but still I put up my best behaviour and tried to explain it to her too. For doing that, she pointed her finger at me and asked me not to talk back. FOR EXPLAINING! And during the whole redemption process, she was glaring at us. Then after getting the $5 voucher, she went to the guard and said she was going to complain to the management. Turns out she really called and complained about us. But you know what, since we weren't in the wrong, and the aunties were witnesses, her complaint came to naught. But that was really shitty.

Ok, that should be about it. I'm lazy to blog anymore.
And.......
I'm looking for another job. Going to have to save money. Those sweet phone calls from london are going to be expensive. Anyone who got job opening...... tell me!!

2006-08-30T01:11:00.000+08:00

I know I said I wouldn't blog unless I broke Jit leg's or something. Well, relax, I didn't do anything to him........yet. ;)

Ok, the reason why I'm blogging is because I just finished watching the season finale of "Lost", downloaded from the net and transferred most kindly by ahmad "pepe" farid. Its a hell of a finale. If you watch lost, don't miss it. Whatever you do don't miss it.

One line stood out from the show though. "All we really need to survive, is one person who truly loves us. I will wait for you. Always". Its a meaningful line. When I heard it, something in me felt connected to that line. Its true isn't it. We just need 1 person who loves truly loves you to survive, cause even if you're dead, you'll still be alive in that person's heart and soul, as a living memory of the love that person has. When you have that person who loves truly loves you, then you'll know that no matter what, someone out there will be thinking about you, wondering how you are, praying for you to be safe and happy.

I will wait for you. Always.

2006-08-27T00:09:00.000+08:00

In The Air Tonight - Ryan Star

I'm addicted to this version of the song......way cool...

2006-08-26T23:10:00.000+08:00

Played a soccer match today against hazwan's team at Singapore Polytechnic. Lost 8-6. I scored 2 goals but missed 2 golden opportunities. Kind of like a bittersweet thing. I miss the easiest of chances to score, while I score the goals which needs much more effort. Actually I felt we could have won the game had we taken our chances(my fault), so I wasn't too disappointed with the game and how we played it. Furthermore, the 2nd half was cut short because of some Archery CCA, just when we found our momentum, so in truth, we will never know what the score would actually be had the game run its full course. Hahaha, words of a sore loser? But words that make sense non?

But it isn't the scoreline that pissed me off. Was the irresponsibility of 2 "players" that were supposed to turn up but then didn't. Jit and Jat. Bloody f***ers, not only did they not turn up for the match, they didn't even have the bloody common courtesy to actually message or call to say they were not coming. And they didn't even message to say sorry for not turning up or anything. Nothing at all from them. At least Chin Hong messaged the night before that he couldn't make it, at least I knew what to expect the next day. I can't wait for Tuesday to come now. If they dare show their faces on the hockey pitch, I'll bloody make sure they go home full of bruises or better yet, a sprained ankle, twisted knee or broken shin. Muahahaha, evil evil evil, pure unadulterated evil person I am. Somemore Jit was supposed to be our goalkeeper, and without him we had no proper goalkeeper, thus conceding far more than we should. Kudos to Zainal and Mao Tat though, they did a cracking job filling those gloves. Angry and really pissed off with them man, luckily Zainal and Mao Tat brought 1 friend each, otherwise we wouldn't even have enough.

Okok, when all is said and done, I really have to say well played to my whole team. Shawn, Ash, Melvin, Benson, Mao Tat, Mao Tat's friend, Zainal, Zainal's friend and of course the player of the game, MYSELF! Hahahaha, just kidding. Seriously though, we make a good team.

I'm going to start work soon. Was thinking of buying several things already, even before my work has even started! This is the sign of a big spendthrift. Only difference is I'm not thinking of buying things for myself but for others. After all I don't need anything else, don't want anything else, so I might as spend it to make people who I care about happier. Only problem is i'm not quite sure as of yet what to buy. Any suggestions?

Ok, going to watch the Arsenal game now. Won't be updating so soon, maybe will update after I finish work on the 17sept. Unless, of course I break Jit and Jat's leg on Tuesday, to which you'll see a celebratory post typed while i'm half drunk from drinking champagne on the aforesaid day. Muahahahahahahaha, keep your fingers crossed people!

2006-08-23T00:41:00.000+08:00

What is it that I truly want?
I have no idea.........................

Part of the lyrics to The Dolphin's Cry by Live
The way you're bathed in light
Reminds me of that night
God laid me down into your rose garden of trust
And I was swept away
With nothin' left to say
Some helpless fool
Yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace
You're all I need to find
So when the time is right
Come to me sweetly, come to me
Come to me

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Oh yeah, we meet again
It's like we never left
Time in between was just a dream
Did we leave this place?
This crazy fog surrounds me
You wrap your legs around me
All I can do to try and breathe
Let me breathe so that I
So we can go together!

Love is like a shooting star
It don't matter who you are
If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time

Yeah, I sort of feel this way towards Vanessa.
And the best thing is.......she feels the same

But somehow.........I still am hesistating........still..........stuck in a moment I can't get out of........still stuck with the past....
I can't help myself........I can't control what I feel.

2006-08-22T01:49:00.000+08:00

Got myself a job, its the same job that I work at exactly 1 year ago. That is the redemption counter/customer service job at causeway point. However, this time won't be working with Wan Yi as she already got herself another job, but will be working with hazwan, roy, melvin, benson and jason. They went for the interview today, followed them to show them where the office was etc. but I didn't have to be interviewed as I already confirm get the job and they interviewed me last year already. So yeah, will be working from 1-17 sept, if any of you happen to pass by causeway point, do visit me eh........

After the interview, around 11+ in the morning, I went to jog at my favourite jogging place. Now the reason why that place is my favourite jogging place is because its open air, not much buildings and cars so you kind of get fresh air. Furthermore there isn't much people around that area so its a wonderful place to jog, especially at night, when its cooling and the light guiding you is basically the moon and star light scattered with few street lamps. However, when its almost noontime, it is NOT a place to jog. I underestimated the heat of the sun, having been misguided by the cloudiness earlier and the relatively early timing I started(10:45). I had to force myself to cover only 5/6 of the distance I planned to cover before giving up to intense fatigue and heat. And I couldn't even cool down immediately, as I had to walk quite a distance in the blazing sun to the nearest shelter.

Saturday went to watch the opening match of Arsenal at the Arsenal club. Was disappointed with the overall scoreline but what I really loved was the atmosphere. The club was packed, full of Arsenal fans and I think some of them came from london and have attended the live matches before as they knew how the cheers went. It was extremely great to cheer along, the more outstanding ones were "what the fuck, what the hell, what the fucking hell was that"-->(for the opponents), "the linesman's a wanker", there's only one Arsene Wenger etc. And when Arsenal scored the equalizer, the whole place erupted. Everybody jumped out of their seats(Ashraf jumped ON his seat) and started shouting and cheering and wow, the atmosphere was just fantastic. I can't wait for the next time i'll be going back there. And when I have a girlfriend in the future I'm definitely going to convert her to a Arsenal fan and bring her there........

Sometimes I really wish I had mind reading powers to know what other people are actually thinking or feeling. It would really clear up so much of the questions I have. I have a wild imagination and I sometimes think too much into things. Really, they say being creative is good and to let creativity flow. But I think being creative and not being able to control the creativity is one of the worst things that could happen. Its either you get creative thoughts about a particular matter which are very positive or you get creative thoughts about that particular matter which are negative. Either way, its always to the extreme, and either way, you're going to get hurt somehow. If your thoughts about the matter are positive , chances are you'll be severly disappointed when reality comes crashing down. If your thoughts about the matter are negative , you'll only make yourself depressed before you know the truth. Therefore it ain't really good to overthink and imagine things.
This is exactly what I do. Usually I think on the negative side, having been dissapointed severly with the positive too many times and sometimes the negativity really gets to me. But somehow, I always manage to keep myself happy, by immersing myself in things I enjoy, like playing soccer or watching Family Guy clips on metacafe. I need to start taking things as it flows.

And recently, all my dreams when I sleep have always been revolving around someone. Its the first time this has ever happend; that my dreams for 2 whole weeks have all involved a certain person. I have no explanation for it......seriously...........

2006-08-12T22:31:00.000+08:00

Exams are finally over.
Finally. After the fiasco of business finance, the remaining papers were relatively average, not extremely hard, not easy either.

Damn I'm tired.........
Went for a job "interview" today with hazwan and roy. It was purely a waste of my time. Now I know that if you have to ever go to the Apex building for interview, just forget it. Seems it has a reputation for housing dubious companies. Somemore the "interview" took like 3hrs +......I don't even want to make the effort to describe the whole "interview" here. Coincidentally Zaid later told us that he ever applied for this job before and it was all nonsense when they treat you so nice, cause in the end you'll have to sell electronic mattresses which cost around 2k+. So......

Went to play soccer just now too. I'm lacking stamina and fitness after not playing soccer for nearly 2 weeks due to the exams. Well,now I have nearly 2 months to go train up.

Finally, I predict a boring holiday for me. I have to go get a job to pass the time and earn some extra cash. After all, people like shawn and darius and ashley all still having school so can't go out or play soccer with them everyday. My friends all still having school then I'm like bloody bored la, want to go out go alone also like no fun. Vanessa now also exam period, don't want to disturb her either. Arrgh...............! Bored!

Oh my old phone spoiled 2weeks ago and I lost my whole contact list. Having a poor memory, I have not memorised any phone number at all. It sucks to be unable to contact people because you forgot their number. So do tell me your phone no. again if you see me online msn again or if I see you in person.

What would you follow. Your desire or logic? In other words, follow your heart or your brain.
Its a dilemma everyone will have to face at least once in their life and right now I'm in that kind of dilemma.
Following logic would be the natural choice to the neutral viewer but you cannot count out the impact of your desire and emotions. Yeah, I'm seriously hating this dilemma.

2006-08-06T13:07:00.000+08:00

I'm still mugging away for the exams. Believe I can do much more mugging than what I'm currently doing. Don't know why but i've lost my self-discipline and my motivation to study. Argh......

Already the business finance paper on Friday is a no-hoper.......I can only hope my overall will pass so I don't need to do the supplementary paper......I f***ing hate Finance, really loathe it like f***........and of all times for the finance teacher to set trick questions they set it at exam time and in the question with the most weightage 35%!!!!! I thought trick questions were meant to be used to differentiate between distinction and A students, NOT F***ING differentiate between failures and passes!!!! Quote of the week has to come from Sean Poon. "Now we all know that finance teachers are sick in the mind". I couldn't agree more........

I met up with Vanessa for dinner last night, thus sacrificing some precious time for my studies and sacrificing going with Hazwan and Ahmad and Zaid to the esplanade for the fireworks(sorry guys). But its a worthwhile sacrifice, ate seoul garden with her at Ang Mo Kio there, really had a very good time with her, talking to her and doing stupid stuff with the food. Hahaha, never had so much fun "cooking" food. Was so very full that we took a walk around Ang Mo Kio to digest our food. Both our tummies were showing after that meal, we didn't bother to conceal it but just let our tummies show......that's how full we were! Then after that sent her home and went back to study abit.

At around midnight walked over to ahmad's house to meet up with them and it was then when I almost got knocked down by a bloody bus. Seriously man, it was green light for the pedestrain at this junction when this half blind f***ed up driver suddenly turn at the junction and kept going instead of waiting for me to cross first. I had to literally run 2 or 3 steps and jump out of the way. The bus just continued on its journey like nothing happen...wtf is that? I almost got run down and he just drive on without even attempting to put on the brakes? Meaning he really didn't see me at all that bastard. Must be sleepy or drunk that ass wipe.

Anyway going to start studying now..............

2006-08-02T01:15:00.000+08:00

Studying time!! This past few days have been dedicated to the previously neglected books and notes of all my modules. I hate business finance, really hate studying it. EFMA is still okok, law is lots of memorising, marketing and retail is more into understanding the concepts. However I don't have the overall confidence that i'll do well this time. Don't ask me why, maybe I just know i'm not that well prepared this time. Heh heh heh,actually since when am I ever well prepared?

Played soccer in school today, after studying with Wan Yi at the school library. It was a rather intense match, tensions between the two teams were at a slightly higher level than before. This resulted in a rather unlucky incident where Melvin got injured. From almost halfway across the court I could hear the cracking sound when he clashed into Dan. Really unlucky man he, heard that his injuries to his right leg included a twisted knee, twisted ankle and as the icing on the cake, a fractured toe. All on 1 leg. He'll be out from playing soccer for 3-4 months. Gosh, if I were in his position I'll go crazy. Imagine watching people playing soccer while you have no choice but to sit at home recovering. Hope he has a speedy recovery......

Shawn Tan is quite a one-of-a-kind person. First of all, the thing that got me speechless was his ring tone. Its "earth,fire,wind,water,heart.....go planet!.....captain planet, he's our hero etc...." I mean.....when I heard it I found myself in a rare position of being unable to make a sacarstic comment, or any kind of comment actually. Hahaha, seriously man, where does he get this type of ringtones from. Then we were heading down to mcdonalds to get ice for Melvin's leg and when we got to Mcs, he asked the person for a cup of ice. Yes, just a cup of ice........if I didn't go with him, he would have returned with JUST a cup of ice which is pratically pointless. Somemore when I notified him of the missing plastic bag which he didn't ask from the person at the counter, he can say don't need la, can use the cup and put on his foot. Brilliant eh? I think if he really did that Melvin will fight through the pain and chase after shawn to make him eat his foot or something. And then when I arrived home, he gave me this link through msn, a funnily stupid video about this German boy throwing a HUGT tantrum over a stupid game(includes taking the keyboard and smashing it against the table several time and spewing unlimited vulgarities). It just suddenly occured to me that I have no idea where Shawn gets all these links to the stupidest videos or sound clips(who can forget the bangla prank call). Does he actually take the time to search out these weird things? He is also a self styled "Master Yoda" so to conclude............interesting person, shawn tan is.

Argh.......tomorrow have to study law and what not again. Damn ah, can't wait for the exams to be over........then can really relax ah........

And to all those taking the exams at the same time as me.........all the best in your revision!

SHOW ME HOW TO LIVE!!!

OK will end here

I wonder Vanessa......what's really going on between us?
Is it the start of something new?
Or the rekindling of the old flame?

2006-07-23T23:04:00.000+08:00

I'm going to have to start my blogging entry by thanking Sean Poon and his grandmother for their Cafe Cartel treat on Friday. Ate to my heart's content there, the ribs and salad was very good while the pasta was simply amazing. The quantity of the whole meal was staggering and Sean, Jesvin, Sean's grandmother and myself still managed to finish it all off. Great meal overall.

There was the business finance test before that meal though. Don't know if i'll do well or not. Damn it, I really really hate and loathe business finance. Anyway, after that went to eat as mentioned. After the meal went to town with Jesvin and Poon to walk around. Mostly walked around Far East Plaza and incredibly everyone still had room to eat Thai food so we went to eat Na Na Thai, approximately 2hours after that filling lunch. This is the net result when you mix big eaters like me and Poon together. Hahaha, had a great time talking to them and finding out what's going in their class(apparently a lot of going ons!).

We left town around 5+, they to meet Jesvin's boyfriend(for dinner!) while I went to meet up with Vanessa. Been quite some time since I last saw her, and it was really nice to finally catch up with her. Supposed to eat Sakae Sushi with her but because I was so full we decided to eat at Delifrance instead. She ate while I just drank coffee and we just sat there talking and enjoying each other's company. I only wish it could have lasted longer but she had to go back home as her grandmother was visiting. Sent her back home before heading back towards woodlands to lepak with hazwan, ahmad and safary.

It was only after seeing Vanessa again that I realised how much I missed her........
And she's getting prettier and prettier everytime I see her......

Ok anyway, Saturday was also quite fun, played soccer in the afternoon as usual. Ahmad actually joined in, a real rarity, and to top it off, I didn't even had to ask him to come or try to persuade him, he actually asked me if he could go!!! Shows he finally is deciding to cut down his weight......... after that headed down to West Coast with Ahmad, Safary, Hazwan and his brother Zaid. Zaid drove us there, wasn't much space in the back of the car(I wonder why) but was still a fun car ride. At West Coast all of us became like young kids once again, playing at the rather huge park. Climbed up this tall Pyramid of ropes thing all the way to the top, Hazwan got scared halfway and stopped while Ahmad didn't even try.

The best/worst thing we did though, was to try this mini merry-go-round. It could at most fit 5 slim people if everyone squeezed like crazy, that's how small it was. So we had this competition, we put 2 people on this merry go round and spin them as fast as possible until one of them fell. Unfortunately I was the first one to try it out with Safary, and sad to say I was the first to fall. They took a video of it and I sort of flew when I fell due to the extremely fast pace it was spinning. Couldn't see straight for the next 30 seconds or so, everything was a whirl. Next up was hazwan and ahmad, the merry-go-round was slow to take off(yet again I wonder why) and our best efforts, it took quite some time before there was any momentum and then it was really fast(go read up on inertia if you want) till finally ahmad fell. Made quite an impact when he fell. Ahmad took it real bad on the dizziness part, took a really long time to recover as he felt like vomitting but couldn't. Hazwan meanwhile took revenge on his brother and Safary for the final round.

After that we all sat at this bench under the night sky, feeling the breeze while drinking coke and green tea while talking about mostly ahmad's girl problems. Hahaha, it doesn't look good the way I put it but i'm not going to change it. We all crapped a lot there, all the jokes and making fun of everybody(main butt of all jokes was the one with the biggest butt at that table). Laughed a lot there, really really fun night........left for home at around 1am and opened down the windows while Zaid drove, feeling the cool wind blowing against my face was a wonderful feeling. And you put 5 young restless guys in a car, it won't be long before we do something ridiculous.....we actually started to "dance" in that cramp space to the tune of the music from the radio. It was a really hilarious sight, all of us doing stupid "dance" moves with our hands in the car to the tune of the music, shaking our heads and moving our shoulders as well, imitating those para-para or something dance moves which can be found at the arcades. All this in a cramped environment. I think a video was taken of all of us "dancing" barring Zaid who had to miss out on the silliness as he was driving.

Fun two days I spent........but now its time to start mugging for exams......
Hahaha, well it was fun while it lasted.........

2006-07-20T16:59:00.000+08:00

So I finally completed all my projects and now its time to look ahead to the exams which are in like 2 weeks time!

Anyway the presentation for the RTM project went reasonably well, just that Brenda Lim kept on cutting me off and asked questions insted of waiting for me to explain. I guess there was a time constrain and she wanted to be punctual in ending the lesson(for the record, she ended exactly at 5). The saddest thing about it all was that because my class had to hand in the RTM report before 10, there was 4 hours to rehearse our presentation and at the end of the 4 hours I could have presented my part with ease. But Brenda Lim had to put all our practice to waste and cut us off from our presentation. It was really tiring on Monday though, slept at 6am the previous night as I had to make a sudden change to the report and had only around 1 1/2 hours of sleep. So by the time it was the business law lecture, I could hardly keep awake.......so I slept, right in front of the lecturer who seemed disinclined to show his displeasure. And just when I thought I could go back home after business law and immediately sleep, I was given a timely reminder to finish my ICT project which was due the next day and which I hadn't started on yet at all! And as luck would have it, I just had to do the most irritating ICT question yet, something about the issues surrounding information privacy and electronic profiling. Nothing concrete could be found about these 2 issues on the net, trust me. Really really tiring day but still, I slept with a smile on my face. Monday may have been a tiring day but it was.....well, a very good day =)

And now I have to start studying for business finance ICA tomorrow. Real worried for my business finance as I haven't done well in both the previous ICA so this ICA must score, otherwise I'm in deep crap.

Oh and I was introduced to this robot chicken show by ahmad. You can watch it on youtube, its quite funny, they make parodies of movies and events. Go watch it if you can, and check out the star wars parody or the one about Michael Jackson.

Ok will update some other time........

2006-07-14T01:59:00.000+08:00

Finally! FINALLY! Marketing Management project is OVER! Its like a huge load off my shoulders, this stupid blood donation project has taken up a total of 30% of my overall marks and it was really stressful doing this project as I feel its like one of the bigger projects I have done. My group's presentation went generally well, wasn't any hicoughs on the way. Then again, I have no idea why but I felt supremely confident before and during the presentation. Anyway its over for marketing management now BUT there's still 1 more project to go, and that is Retail project, which needs to be handed in on this coming MONDAY! Out of the frying pan into the fire.

Ok, i'm too tired to continue.........will update some other time

2006-07-09T14:37:00.000+08:00

Its already the world cup final! France vs Italy........will be rooting for France but Italy will have the slight edge. Thierry Henry! Zinedine Zidane! Patrick Vieira! Lilian Thuram! Don't disappoint me France!

Its going to be a busy week this coming week. ICAs from all sides are converging to give all of us in RTM hell. Its really sickening that I can't watch the world cup without worrying about that stupid marketing management project which really is the epitome of irritating. Things just don't flow, blood donation is a unsought product and they want us to market it......it can drive you crazy. Weirdly enough, Wan Yi has single-handedly done her group's marketing mgmt project while most of the groups have not finished it yet. I realised then that its not because Wan Yi is smart or diligent but because she's doing it alone, and so has a clear view of what she is doing. When a group of people get together, ideas are bound to clash and this will result in a lot of time being taken to sort out which idea is best and what belongs where and who should do what. Lucky thing my whole MM group is very cooperative with one another.

I can never live up to anyone's expectations. I can only exceed them. Haha, confidence is something which is important in life, unfortunately I lose my confidence everytime I get near certain people and that really sucks. I have no idea how to sustain my natural confidence everywhere I go. Reason why I suddenly go into this topic remains a mystery........even to me.

Yea, i'll think I'll stop here and start doing business law......

2006-06-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

Man, am I looking foward to playing a soccer match soon. Yes, instead of just talking to shawn or ashley about it, I have decided to actually do something. So I already got the opponent, got the form for the application of the NYP soccer field, got the date and got the players. Yeah man, hopefully it the application is approved.

I failed my business finance paper. 18.5 marks. Damn shit. I saw the paper, I didn't do too badly for the cash flow thingy but its the section A which killed me. And now my business finance lecturer/tutor wants all those who fail to pass up their homework for checking. How secondary/primary school is that??? And people who knows me well will know that it is very rare for me to actually do homework. Erm....ok, maybe this compulsory submission of business finance homework is actually good for me. I also got back my EFMA project result back and I got a B. B is also the same result for my Mkting Mgmt ICA1 report. Very interesting eh, looks like I'll just be an average student once again unless I start to pay more attention to my studies.

Oh and I certainly feel sorry for the Mediacorp actress Aileen Tan who has to abort her baby or die. I wonder eh, some people want a child so much but has no choice except to abort. Then there are others who abort just because they do not want their child after their stupid mistake. Man, I know its going to hurt bad for Aileen Tan. Experience speaks. Sometimes the world is just so damn strange...........couldn't it be the other way round? When someone who actually wants a child gets to keep it, while the one who doesn't want a child yet can't? I just feel sorry for Aileen Tan.......

Okie, that's about all

2006-06-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

If a dream is beyond reach, should you let it go? Or should you just hold on to that dream, however hopeless it may seem. What may seem to be impossible of happening may just be an illusion conjured up by your disappointment at the lack of sucess. Someone once asked me why I still hung on to something which most probably will never happen. I had no answer to him then and I have no definite answer to him now. But some dreams are just worth hanging on to, some things are not meant to be let go. Because even if you feel like giving up in your dream, giving up hope, even when there's a 99% chance of failure, you will choose to believe in that 1% if its worth it.
I chose to believe for nearly 2 years now. I brace myself for the inevitable sign that all hope in that dream is lost. But till that light of hope is snuffed out, i'll still believe and hang on.

And so should you.......

I know, maybe its none of my business all of this. Maybe i'm just sticking my nose where it shouldn't belong. But I just can't help it, I hate to see anything go wrong for you.........whatever you're hanging on to, just hang on if it means that much to you.

ok, enough or even too much has been said.......

2006-06-20T02:39:00.000+08:00

This short entry will just be factual and boring.

I did some research on gastritis and how to relieve its pain

Antacids -- Aluminum-containing and magnesium-containing antacids can be helpful in relieving symptoms of gastritis by neutralizing gastric acids. These agents are inexpensive and safe.

Antacids is a kind of medicine that is good for reliving gastric pain. Gastric pain can really be discomforting and plain irritating so getting antacids for it is a good way to relieve the pain and it will heal the gastritis also. Erm....as mentioned above its not expensive either and very affordable and can be got from your local doctor!

But the best way to get rid of gastric pain is to eat well and don't skip meals. Er....ok, ya that's about all.

2006-06-18T21:50:00.000+08:00

WHY?
The most frequently used word when asking a question. So many things in this world are unexplained, so many things unknown. I find myself enthralled by the word, I have so many questions I have to ask, so many answers I have yet to know. Maybe there are some of my questions which have no answers.

These 5 questions in my life haunt me:
1) Why is Stacy so stupid to do what she did?
2) Why am I so stupid to have helped her and get involved in that fucked up incident?
3) Why does it take so long to heal?
4) Why nice people get taken advantage of
5) Why JR never had feelings for me even though I have so much love for her.

Bonus question
Why is Ahmad obsessed with Samosas?

Haha, continue some other time.....

2006-06-16T01:03:00.000+08:00

So i'm watching the England match right now as I blog and the only reason why I am capable of this seemingly impossible multi-tasking is that England matches are SUPER boring. No doubt on paper they have one of the best sides in the tournament but their style of playing can single-handedly make one cringe and suffer from deep and sudden feelings of regret for paying for the world cup channel on SCV.

Ahh....anyway I played soccer yesterday at the futsal court with some of the old 4e3 and 4e2 fellers, fathul, hamzah, fareed,ashraf,rajen,taufik to name a few. Ahmad was supposed to go but he had to attend a workshop at the last minute and I strongly suspect he went there for the free samosas. Nonetheless it was a good and tiring soccer workout, haven't played with them for a very long time. After went to lepak at one of the Marsiling coffee shops with Hazwan, Safary and Ahmad. Was intending to watch the Spain's match but after awhile realised that the place where we were sitting was way too far from the TV screen and none of us could actually see the ball, just people in Red and Yellow running around. So we just ate our dinner there then headed over to hazwan's house to help him crack Championship Manager on his PC and to play his Playstation 2. Had a good laugh there thanks to Safary. They were playing Winning Eleven and this player from France Lilian Thuram had the ball when suddenly Safary commented that he once thought Lilian Thuram was Vijay Singh. OK, to the non-soccer fans this might not seem very weird or anything but the thing is both Thuram and Vijay are totally different. Anyway you had to be there to appreciate the humour of it. The thing is that it certainly made me laugh like a mad man, and for that 5 fleeting minutes, all my troubles both past and present seemed to evaporate from my life. Certainly a good feeling to feel.

I had a nightmare last night, the contents of which has been stuck in my head for the whole of today. It started out with me in the Sidek Clinic at Eastpoint mall. I know it was that clinic because frankly, I doubt I'll ever be able to forget that place even though in my dream the place had slightly different decorations. So anyway, the contents of it was that someone who still means a lot to me and whom I care about deeply was in that clinic undergoing some operation. Then my aunty suddenly came out and told me that it was my fault that this had happened and started to chase me around eastpoint mall with some sort of stick saying over and over that it was my fault with me denying all the way(details of the chase was highly illogical and kinda hazy so i'll not go into it). I never found out what I did in that nightmare and then here comes the key point. A doctor told me that the person who was having the operation had not made it, which literally opened the floodgates of tears for me. First time ever I cried during my sleep, such was the impact of the nightmare, and I remember that in my dream I was praying hard that she was still alive. I don't know why but the nightmare completely overwhelmed me that night. I awoke and found my pillow wet with my tears. Its one of the worst nightmare I've had, as that person is someone whom I really want nothing bad to happen to and will want her to lead the most fufilling and wonderful life. In fact if there's one thing I really truly want is that she will be forever happy...........................

But when all is said and done, I need to wash my pillow ~_~

2006-06-11T03:34:00.000+08:00

Wow, finally the holidays have started. Actually its just 2 weeks break but i'm gonna relish every moment of it. The last week has not been the best for me. Frankly, the last week sucked. I fell sick, got a cold, fever and a severe sore throat. The fever was especially irritating, I don't mind having a cold or sore throat but fever completely shuts down my brain system. I went to the doctor on Monday to get a MC and he kindly issued me a 2 day MC which was useless as I had French and ICT presentation on Tuesday and I didn't want to miss it. So on Tuesday I went to school but not before consuming my medicine which had a nasty effect of making the consumer drowsy, resulting in me going through my presentations in a zombie like state. Whether it'll affect my marks, I have no idea as of yet nor am I going to worry myself over it. Oh and to add to my discomfort, the antibiotics I took made me experience extreme pain in my stomach, which after visiting the doctor 2days later, was diagnosed as gastric and that the medicine aggravated it. No idea how come I have gastric problem. Anyway the timing of falling sick couldn't have been worse, as the last week was a hectic week with Mkting Mgmt project and EFMA project deadline falling on Friday and Thursday respectively. Add to that the aforesaid 2 presentations and Business Law. I just wonder why I can't fall sick some other time. Big THANKS to both my EFMA and Mkting Mgmt group project members.

THE WORLD CUP IS FINALLY HERE!!! Yea man, finally the biggest soccer competition in the world is here, the most prestigious cup in soccer is up for grabs. Which team do I support? No particular team actually but I have a soft spot for France though I won't be watching their matches if its in the wee hours of the morning as their play is boring. My prediction for the country to win this competiton is the host Germany. No reasons why. Just a feeling. Common sense though dictates that Brazil should win this cup with ease but as I always say, the ball is round and you can never truly predict what will happen.

Rejection is hard to take, it doesn't matter even if you know from the start that your chances of sucess is low and improbable, your heart will always choose to believe in that improbability. And when you fail, you fall hard on the jagged rocks of reality numbing your body and every of your senses for that moment. It is the same for every body, but it hurts even more so when you are truly sincere and passionate in your love. There is no fitting word nor action to describe this pain, the chaos in your mind distorting the dimensions of rational thought, the inferno which burned brightly in your heart and fuelled your passion,your love and your dream extiguinshed in that moment when you get rejected. Weathering the storm and onslaught of the recurring memory of that moment for countless days and endless nights, its the start of an ardous journey and uphill task to move on and be no longer ensnared by the shackles of rejection.................

Actually to put it in a nutshell, rejection sucks. Haha, I just wanted to indulge myself in trying out using a dramatic style of writing.

The dream is dead

2006-05-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

I'm tired, very tired.....in every sense of the word. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Oh yes, the projects seem never ending, and in truth be told, it IS never ending. EFMA project, Marketing Mgmt project, Lab 2 presentation, Business Law ICA all next week. And so far I have only completed Lab 2 presentation and have not, touched the other projects at all. Not even a SINGLE group meeting yet for both EFMA and Marketing Mgmt. Guess I'll have to rush through these projects during the weekend and this will translate into stress, not to mention business law(memorise memorise memorise). Thank goodness that next week will be the last week of school before the measly 2 week term break. But hey, I'm going to study as hard as possible for business law and do my best in all the projects.

There is a noticeable difference between foriegners and Asians. Physically that is. After playing soccer 2 weeks in a row with the French foreign exchange students, I have to say that in terms of fitness, us Asians still can't beat them. I mean, it stands to reason, over in France they eat hearty meals, steak, king sized burgers etc. What do we Asians eat? Yong Tau Foo, Chicken rice, "chap chai peng"(mixed veg rice) etc. You do see the difference in what we eat eh? Thats why they grow to be tall and bigger sized(but not fat) without even going to the gym while we have to slog it out to make ourselves look more muscular in order to look bigger sized. Ah well, I'm not quite sure why I'm blogging about this but I'm just a bit sore that I'm being run ragged by them week after week even after trying to improve physically. Hahaha, but its a damn good experience playing soccer with them nonetheless.

Ok going to catch some shut eye now
Au Revoir

I'll fight my demons when I'm ready but it is not now.

2006-05-23T23:12:00.000+08:00

I am so tired of doing projects. Projects left,right,centre........not to mention ICAs, I mean this semester everything is rushed like crazy, week after week assignments need to be handed in, work needs to be revised, tutorials need to be done. Everybody is suffering from this avalanche of workload, its stress stress stress everywhere I look. Even I, a first class slacker(who does good quality work on time), am feeling the heat and pressure. Today's EFMA ICA was totally stupid, I forgot the Journal entries for rights share and bonus shares and this in turn will mess up my total shareholders equity figure which equates to 1/2 the test marks gone. Yes, I know this news will be welcomed by some with open arms(right Ashley Gomez Joel?) but it certainly means I have to buck up for this upcoming business finance test on Friday.

With all these stress and pressure to complete all these assignments and projects, the last thing I need to have is you calling me at 2am in the morning to go you up from Orchard because you're dead drunk. I don't want to have you throw up on me, I don't want to have to pay more than 50 bucks for taxi and I definitely DON'T NEED UNGRATEFUL F*** scolding me at 3am in the morning for doing his daughter a favour. I don't want to see someone I care about change for the worse, I don't need to be reminded of my past actions. I have no idea why I complied to the request of me sending you back home, I guess its just in my nature to do anything I can to help someone I still care about, but I wish you will stop taking advantage of the fact. I'm not at your beck and call, I'm not going to be your safety net everytime you get into trouble, because I have suffered emotionally and mentally for correcting your mistake before and once bitten twice shy. This will probably be the last time I help you if you are in self inflicted trouble. I don't want to hear your explanation, I don't want to hear your apologies, I don't want to hear your reasoning. All I want to see is the old you back, the you before all this bullshit started, the you which I used to have feelings for, the you which was decent and caring and with a conscience, the you who knows what's right and what's wrong, the you who had morals. Stop saying I'm comparing you with Vanessa or Jun Rui, both of them are incomparable. Neither was in a relationship with me, unlike you, so why should I compare you with them? Furthermore Jun Rui never had the slightest feelings for me so I don't understand your reasoning to drag her into this.

My dear, you hurt me when you did what you did, I was hurt when I had to do what I did, seeing you reminded me of all the pain. It didn't help that immediately after that I recieved a email which well, was sent with the best of intentions but after reading it, I was torn inside out, I was numb with guilt.

I can't continue entry.......update some other time

2006-05-20T00:17:00.000+08:00

I am really going to have to put in a bit more effort in my studies this weekend, there's 2 tests(the worst 2,EFMA & Business Finance) coming up and I have to hand in the NE essay this tuesday. Am I stressed? I don't know, a bit maybe.....I'm not the kind of person to stress over too much schoolwork and I'm not going to rush, cause I always believe doing things at your own pace will ensure better quality work. Of course your pace of life musn't be too slow, otherwise you're going to be left behind. However, I always say that I'll study but in the end I'll end up slacking away. I don't know why. Anyway, on thursday, it was a day emotional turmoil for me. Why???? BECAUSE ARSENAL LOST IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL!!! Yes, I am extremely disappointed, extremely angry with the referee, extremely disgusted that the better team lost out there. Some might say I'm biased, and I probably am, but still anyone could see that Arsenal were playing with heart and could have buried Barca in dirt never to surface again. But a lousy official spoilt the game, Barca scored a illegitamate goal and thus got the win. Damn, I'm extremely passoniate about the team I support Arsenal and I was so freaking pissed that I couldn't sleep after that and thus had to skip the earlier part of the day of school.

Why am I so concerned?
Cause I will always be.
I will always look out for her....

2006-05-15T21:47:00.000+08:00

Damn, my big toenail on the right leg is on the verge of coming out. Yes, the whole toenail. Well, that's what I get for kicking a soccer ball around in the a small enclosed space which I call home. And to those who wonder if it hurts, the answer is in the affirmitive. But you know what, I'm still going to play soccer tomorrow, and heck it if the whole nail comes out, i'm going to play through the pain.

This week, two events are going to happen which i'm looking out for. Firstly, the CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL!!!!!! And ARSENAL are in it!!!! Wow, i'm so excited, I just can't wait for it to start. Arsenal, the team I have supported all my life vs Barcelona, the team which is playing the most attractive football at the moment. Its going to be tough, its going to be entertaining, its going to be an all out display of the best soccer players on one pitch in the stade de france. Wonderful.......

Next event would be the opening of The Da Vinci Code. Yes, its a great book and I thoroughly enjoyed reading the book. Though there wouldn't be so much kick since I know all the twists and turns in the story already. But I still can't wait to see what the film will be like. Oh ya, did I mention that I find the actress Audrey Tautou acting as Sopie Neveau very pretty??? I mean, eye candy in a movie is always good, there's only so much I can take seeing Tom Hank's face before gouging my eyes out.

Ah well, anyway, these few days I have been bloody stressed over projects especially ICT which I, until only recently, didn't know that it stands for Information Communication Technology. Everything in ICT is totally foriegn to me, or to quote Jun Rui, "Alien language", and up to now, I have no real confidence in what I did for my project. This module totally sucks and I hate it.

2006-05-09T00:09:00.000+08:00

It was a eventful monday today. Didn't go to school as I had something important to do, anyway there was only 2 hours of lessons today so i'm not really missing out on much. What I had to do was see a special someone I haven't seen in quite awhile, and today was her special day. Yes, today's was Vanessa birthday. Her 17th birthday and I wanted to be the one who celebrated it with her on this day. I was quite surprised actually when she said ok to my asking her out for a date today. Apparently she finished her classes at 11 today so basically the whole afternoon and evening was mine to entertain her with.

Brought her to eat at my Uncle's Restaurant for dinner. The restaurant was a Thai restaurant. The food was good, tasty, and it was extremely spicy! Haha, I have a rather moderate tolerance to spice but the Thai chefs must really outdid themselves in spoiling us with lots of spices. I mean I was sweating after the 3rd dish was served and thats like................noob.......I can't think of a better expression(and thats kind of sad if you think about it). BUT, Vanessa was totally unaffected by the devilish spiciness and even added some chilli padi!!!!! I mean.....I'm lost for words....I'm put to shame completely........hahaha, and apparently the sight of me "pia-ing" the heat is quite a funny sight because Vanessa laughed real hard and described my look as " red faced, sweating and eyes almost popping out".................

Anyway it was lucky that because the boss of the restaurant is my uncle, I had several privelages like using the VIP room so I could decorate the room beforehand and put her birthday cake(which I had taken almost the whole of Sunday to successfully bake =D). Oh and her present was something not very practical but something which I hope she likes. I bought her this Bouquet of Blue Roses with a Pooh bear holding it(cost a bomb--I'm dead broke) and a bracelet which I made myself. So anyway after dinner I led her to the VIP room for her "surprise".

Well anyway, I'm not going to go so much into details here, just a rather rough summary of the day. I truly hoped she enjoyed herself today. I'm really not myself now, feeling a bit light headed somehow. Haha,will go to sleep for now......

And when I saw her, I wanted to hug her, to kiss her, to embrace her, to hold her and never let her get away from me again......
But I know I can't, cause she's got someone else to hold her now.......

2006-05-07T02:01:00.000+08:00

Far Away--------Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case theres just one left
Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you will be with me and you will never go
Stop breathing if I don"t see you anymore
On my knees, I will ask
Last chance for one last dance
Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I"d give it alI I"d give for us
Give anything but I won"t give up
Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you will be with me and you will never go
Stop breathing if I don"t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
"I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing Cause I am not leaving
Hold on to me and never let me go"

Ah......its been a long time since I heard a song with lyrics that speaks the words inside of me. Go download it, its a nice song

Anyway,elections are over, PAP has won as usual and Sembawang Grc has not come under the SDP. Yes, I know I'm a fan of the PAP and seeing as how Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew is a man I respect A LOT. Yeah, he's the one whom we Singaporeans should thank, for he put us on the world map. Maybe some opposition would be good, walkovers might not force the PAP's hand into taking risks and making more improvements in our society, but if you have opposition like Chee Soon Juan, its just hard to take him seriously and vote for him.

PAP---66.6% win------------>666???? The number of the AntiChrist???? The number of the beast??? AHHHHH!!!!!! Something sinister is afoot........be CAREFUL!!!!!

Hahahaha,i'm just crazy, don't mind me.................

Monday is known as black monday
But this monday..........I may just be looking foward to it........=D

2006-05-03T00:47:00.000+08:00

Ok,this is really bad. I didn't plan to blog but I have nothing else to do. Why? Because all of a sudden, on May 3rd 0043, my leg went numb so I can't walk at all for now. Damn, I'm hoping its not that serious , I can still feel a bit of my leg but its not enough to enable me to walk. Shit man, I'm never going to push my body to the limit anymore. Playing soccer intensively 4 days in a row can really drain away your energy. Why am I so stupid to play so intensively is because everytime I step onto the soccer field, my mind will only concentrate on the game and everything else goes blank. Its a good way to divert any frustration and sadness you might have. Actually,just exercising would do the trick. Furthurmore you get fitter!! A win-win situation.

Shit it la, I want to go sleep but I can't walk to my room and this really sucks ah. Ahhhhhh...............!!!!! I'm slightly scared actually. I have no idea what is happening to my legs now.

Hmm.......so well, I have nothing to blog about,as you probably found out, my past few days have been filled with soccer all the way. Er......there's no school today.........thank goodness cause i'm really exhausted. No school on Friday either, so basically 1,3,5 is "holiday" this week.

One of my bad habits is latecoming. Yes, I am seldom punctual and I seriously have no idea why. I guess its part of my "arrogant" nature which makes me overconfident all the time so I'm always slowly taking my time to get out of the house, walking at my "own" pace to the MRT and I always think that I'll be on time but in the end I'm always not. Ok, I know my weakness so yea,I'm trying my best to correct it.

I'm not that friendly in my new class and I have no idea why. Its weird that I'm behaving like my alter ego and my attitude towards my classmates is cold and distant. Even Wan Yi and I ain't that close anymore, I'm sort of becoming a real weird loner. I'm always day dreaming or thinking in my mind so I'm not that sociable. And my thoughts are sometimes not that pleasant so it will make me moody and unfriendly.

I don't know why but this seems to be a post about my weakness so ya, I know my weakness and i'll try to change it. Ahahaha, the last time I tried something like that was when I had feelings for JR and it wasn't easy but it was successful. I wonder if I can do it now eh? After all, I had the best motivation to change myself last time but now I have none. Hahaha, ok i'm just going to stop here for now, I'm too tired to continue. I guess I'll just sleep in front of my computer today then.

2006-04-27T23:26:00.000+08:00

I am getting lazier and lazier. Indeed, 2 weeks into the new semester and I have already skipped a total of around 5 hours of lessons? Hahaha, most of them are morning lessons and even though it starts at 9 instead of 8, I still can't wake up on time. Most lessons still suck, EFMA is killing me badly, business finance looks threatening(and boring), business law is interesting and ICT is not too bad I guess. Surprisingly marketing management and introduction to RTM are the lessons which I look foward to and this is no doubt down to lecturer and tutor of this module, Ms Brenda Lim. She's is by far one of the funniest teachers I have ever come across. This makes her lessons lively and in this way, its easier for me to listen and absorb whatever knowledge she has to impart. Another lesson I enjoyed was the French lesson. Yeah, we had a different tutor from the first tutorial and this tutor was way better. As most of my friends know, I'm always been interested in French (the language of romance) but the first tutor almost annihailated my interst. Thank goodness this week's tutor reinstated my faith in the language.

These few days however, my life has been goverened by soccer. Seriously, I've been training both the physical and technical side of the game and playing soccer regularly in school. The reason being I am involved in a match this saturday morning, playing for my friends's team so I am sort of a guest player and therefore it'll REALLY suck to suck. Heh, not only that, I've been watching Champions League matches in the morning(thus the late coming and usage of " annual leave") and having only a total of 4 hours sleep everyday, which I know is more than enough for some but hardly enough for myself. Ah, but i'm not complaining, afterall, this is called passion, no?

I was talking to Wan Yi on the train today and she brought up what I've been trying to hide and lie to myself all along. I've always told myself that maybe not showing my feelings for Vanessa earlier was the right thing to do as right now she's much happier without me and I'm living my life with no emotional "worries". After all, at that time I used to tell myself that I wasn't ready for a relationship after such a emotional draining episode of my life. I thought that if she were with me, I would severly restrict her,as being slightly paranoid, I would be overprotective. Then I realised, too late, that she filled the space within me with something that warmed me,warmed my body,warmed my spirit,warmed my heart. Whatever emotions of anger or hatred or disappointment and disgust I felt for myself, she somehow managed destroy all of it and gave me back what I lost...........my soul. No kidding, I felt hollow, I was confused, running around in circles, just a empty shell but she pulled me through it all. Yes, its over between us now, but there will always be a part of me, however small it may be, that will wonder what might have been if I had returned her affection earlier.

The important thing is that that chapter of my life is over. I don't know who will come along and sweep my feelings off their feet again, maybe she's in my life now, maybe she's just entered my life.....or maybe not. With a new class, I may just fall for one of my classmates right? Feelings are hard to control no? Hahaha, who knows what the future will bring, and who really wants to find out? Ok,long post so will stop here for now.

Life is a gamble, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
But you'll never win it all, nor will you lose everything.

2006-04-20T20:42:00.000+08:00

School has started, met my new classmates. Yeah, some of them were familiar faces like Wan Yi, Ebby, Si yan, Lynette, Sylvia and Chalin. The rest are foriegn faces to me. Ok, maybe not England--Singapore foriegn, its more like Singapore--Malaysia foreign as I've seen them in my lectures. Nonetheless, out of my clique, its only me and Wan Yi and thats like seriously...........horrifying??????? Hahahaha, just kidding mon ami. She's like the only one whom I can really talk to in the class. I don't know why, but I'm not making much effort to know my other classmates and apparently neither are they that eager to know me cause they all came in with their own cliques so they will stick to their own clique rather than mixing with others. Well, i'm not really complaining, though I seriously miss my old class, having classes with all my other closer frens. I hate to admit this, but I actually miss shawn throwing paper balls around in class!!!!! Ahh.......I used talk a lot in tutorials and lectures but now i've reverted to my silent persona. As I said, only got Wan Yi whom I can to talk to comfortably. Though I'm extremely comfortable and to a certain extent, enjoy being a loner la.

But you know what? I don't really care cause during the breaks all of us still meet up for lunch and still crap about! Yea, I'm actually amazed that even though all of us have split up, majority of them being in TEP and Sean in CRM, we still manage to find the 12pm slot available for lunch! So basically, I'm just "alone"(haha,ok, with wan yi la-->must stress this point otherwise she say I act pathetic =D) during lessons but during breaks nonsense reigns again! Hahahaha, seeing shawn mess his table while eating, seeing khairul laugh like mad and saying "noob", crapping with ashley and darius, chatting with lex and sean and jek and feli and lihua, getting suaned by Wan Yi left right centre,24/7. May the good times never end! =P

Yeah, may the good times never end..................but I know that for every beginning there is an end, its just a matter of when. Just a matter of when and how it ends.

You know I'm still kicking myself for my foolishness, my inability to cherish what I had. I miss you, miss everything about you. I miss your calls, I miss calling you whenever I feel like talking to someone, miss your laughter, miss your cheerfulness, simply every little thing about you.........

2006-04-16T14:52:00.000+08:00

The best way feel better after something that gets you down, is to actually immerse yourself in things you enjoy, simple things sitting at mcdonalds with your friends and chatting, playing games, watching soccer with your friends etc. It doesn't mean that the pain will go away straight away, but at least you're occupied so you can't think about the matter which has made you sad. Its sort of like damage control. The more you dwell on a problem, the deeper the wounds become. So its best to just pick myself up and just live my life like normal, accept this as part of life's many lessons it wants us to learn and be a wiser and stronger person in life.

Its not as easy as I make it sound. Its incredibly hard, but challenge yourself, how strong are you mentally and emotionally? How confident are you in yourself to be able to take the problems you face in your stride? For myself, I am always confident in myself and it'll take something very very huge to really upset me. Every time I wake up, its a new day, a new beginning to do everything that needs to be done. They say the past is the past, that's where it'll remain, just a memory, yet each memory has shaped us into what we've become today. So there is no need for us to look back and regret, no need to look back and wonder what might have been, just to look foward and work towards what you want it to be.

Solitude, insanity,illusions,,lies,deception,greed,lust........................
Let us not be drawn into these just because something doesn't go our way

You may have bled before, you may be bleeding now, you may wish that things will change for the better, you may wish that life and love will go your way from now on, you may hate what happened, you may hate what is happening, you may have let yourself drown in sorrow, you may have let yourself fall from grace.................

No more "may have"
Just think "will have"
Thats the key to being happy if your sad now............

Life is so unpredictable, it can deal you a full hand or a busted flush.

2006-04-14T21:34:00.000+08:00

I LOST

I TRIED

BUT

I FAILED

SICK MIRACLES

HAPPEN

FUCK

2006-04-12T11:13:00.000+08:00

How can I stop trying? I don't want to lose you. I want to stop being here alone without you in my life. No matter what I say here, it won't be of any importance. No matter what I say or whatever words I use, it won't mean a thing. I'm going to show you that I just need to have you in my life. NO MATTER WHAT! I'm just going to do the craziest thing to make you smile again, to make you be part of my life again. And should I, through some sick miracle, happen to fail............then just know that I won't ever forget the times I had with you.

My mind is not mine to command, don't you understand how much I would like to forever relive the night where I held you, kissed you, made you smile and enjoy the beauty and pureness of two souls connecting emotionally under a starry night sky.

Its time to do something right in my life for once.........

2006-04-09T03:49:00.000+08:00

Got a new blog,but this one's still in use.

Blog url:

www.crucifer-ntljr.blogspot.com

Super creative blog url eh.........=P

2006-04-06T02:39:00.000+08:00

Hmm............this blog post is to answer that annonymus person......

Love..........firstly,i'm going to clarify that I do not comprehend the meaning of love, there is no actual definition, its just a feeling you get. Secondly, I have, admittedly, used the word "love" rather loosely in the past but I am not going to do so anymore. Love is a sacred feeling, not to be mixed up with crushes or infatuations.

This however, is what I believe will define me loving a someone...............

To me, I know that there are sometimes no prizes in love, but there will always be some sort of pain. However, love is when I am concerned over a person's well being, when that person's pain is my agony, the person's joy is my happiness, when I realise I'm willing to sacrifice many things just to see that person smile. I'm ready to suffer for that someone just so that all of her pain is either eased or erased. I ready to do anything just to make that person happy. I might be in the darkest hour of my life, but the knowledge that she's happy is enough to keep me going and each time she smiles, my life is brightened. Love is when I realise that the person is the main reason I wake up each morning and she's constantly on my mind the whole day, that she's all I think about before I sleep, she's the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up. Maybe she may never love me and may never be with me, and maybe she may be in love with someone else........but still I'll be happy because all that really matters to me is that she's happy. I would love her for her,for both her good points and her bad points. Love is selfless, love is uncontrollable and love is the sweetest feeling I could ever feel.

And I realise, after typing all this, that maybe,just maybe.............i have been in love already.......

Yea,thats about it.........hope it answered you! =D

2006-03-31T22:43:00.000+08:00

Man, i'm bored at work. Seriously bored. All the things I have to do require only about 1% of my brain(Darius! The perfect job for you!!! 1% of my brain = 100% of yours =D). But in case you all start getting the wrong idea that I'm the coffee boy, i'm not. Hell, making good coffee takes skill man, what i'm doing does not. I'm doing all the odds and ends stuff, like folding letters and putting into envolopes, printing out badges, printing out letters, pasting addresses onto envolopes and recently, photocopying stacks and stacks of papers. I've had all the time in the world to day dream, and I've certainly entertained myself by dreaming about......my dreams =P. The only challenge in this job is to stay awake while doing your work.

Oh ya, and the air con is freezing, I shiver even with 2 layers of clothes on(shirt and jacket). So with strong air con and a comfortable chair along with boring things to do, the challenge of no sleeping is a great challenge. The 2nd day was especially tough, seeing as how I stayed up to watch soccer, but I found a way to keep me awake, and that is to change my desktop background to a picture(no prizes for guessing what pic) which will make my heart beat quickly everytime I look at it, thus keeping me from sleeping.

Good thing about this place though is the cafeteria below. It sells extremely good snacks. The curry puff is wonderful,the fried dough(with some onions and chilli) is sinfully delicious and the the sardine bread is simply to die for. No kidding.........and to top it off, the stall holders are extremely friendly. Ahh, and since my work place is near bukit merah, I most of the time "call call call call call"(about 6 times you know! hahaha-->inside joke) shawn tan to show me and Daryl the culinary delights of Redhill during our lunch break. Oh and interesting point to note during one of these lunch trips, I spotted this stall named "S&M Western Barbeque"..............hahahaha, what a name to give their shop, S&M.......Shawn and his friend thomas gave some suggestions like "maybe the whip the cow before killing it". Oh and for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about and what S&M means to us, then i've got 3 words for you...........IGNORANCE IS BLISS!

Damn, I'm so sleepy...........will stop here for now,update some other time.

I remember the times too and I'll never forget them

2006-03-27T21:35:00.000+08:00

Emotions are running high in me now

Something provoked my thoughts while on the way back from work today. I was in the MRT when I suddenly saw this malay teenager(who looked around my age) holding hands with this chinese girl who looked around 15-16. What bothered me wasn't the fact that they were of different race, what really bothered me was that the girl was pregnant. Yes! I'm guessing around 2-3 mths pregnant! Don't ask me how I know she's 15-16,its just a guess from both the look of the girl and the look of the guy. Anyway, I just wonder if they're going to keep the baby. Seeing as how the earlier you abort, the less complications arise, I suspect that they're planning to go ahead and keep the baby. But I wonder, do they have the financial power to raise a baby? Do they have the time, the responsibility to raise a child? What of their future? They're so young, unless they have extremely rich parents who can afford to raise this child, but what if they don't? Would they just go ahead and keep the baby,making their lives harder and maybe even ruining themselves just to nurture another life? Damn, I hate dwelling on this topic, I hate reminding myself of this damned topic. I hate the fact that I had to see those 2 people, cause it will only bring back memories, memories which I wish to erase from my life.

Tell me, just tell me, is killing a unborn life wrong, if you knew that you could not handle everything that raising a baby would bring, if you knew that your life may be made so much harder by keeping it. Tell me,just tell me..........

Remember, Remember, the 17th of october
The choice, the pain of the abort....
I see no reason why the memories
Should ever be forgot... ...

2006-03-25T01:06:00.000+08:00

I'm super tired. I got a job as a outdoor surveyor. Been working from 1-6 since wednesday. However, had to report to office at 11 am so basically from 10-6 i'm at the outdoor surveyor job. Then after that have to chiong to admiralty to do door to door survey,by the time I reach there will be around 9+ since the outdoor surveyor job does not end at 6 but can end around 7+,so by the time I get back home will be around 11+, a fully day of work and a day of having lots of people telling me to F*** off. Anyway the outdoor surveyor job is fully commisioned based pay,no basic. First day I earned around $70,2nd day around $40,3rd day around $30. So for 3 days I earn around $140. Its a bloody tough job, have to stand out under the sun asking people to help you do 1 extremely short survey, and seeing people shun you like you have SARS isn't really the best boost to the morale. On my feet for 5hours straight walking around in the sun, talking to total strangers and trying to get them to disclose their particulars and answer 2 qns isn't as easy as its sounds. Its tough but guess what, I managed to break the record for having been the first person EVER to sell 30 tickets on my first day(I had no prior experience). The previous record was 14. Hmm......and to think Kai Boon aimed for a lofty target of 60, I only barely reached half that target set(for the record,kai boon did 12). I can frankly tell you, I'm not liking this job one single bit, but yet, I persevere, and overall I did pretty ok for 3 days. I finally have the cash to buy the thing I've wanted to buy for a long time. Thats my main motivation for perservering. Everytime I feel like just giving up, I picture a image in my mind and that image sort of gives me the motivation to continue. But in the end, I quit the job because my cousin daryl called and said the place where he's working(office job $6 ph) got vacancy, if I want confirm will get. So I opted for a more stable income,rather than the comissioned based job. Also, the survey thing really sometimes can exasperate me no end. People will just insist that i'm a liar and that their information will be used for some sort of sales gimmick or something. Well, not that I'm weak not to continue on,just that I got a better offer somewhere else for a job, and after weighing the pros and cons.....I chose the office job. But its a good experience, the outdoor surveyors really thickens your skin, and it exposes you to the nastier side of people, it lets you get used to rejection. I must have gotten rejected like, at least 500 times total?(not an exaggeration). I try to take the positive side in everything now, and anyway since it helped me get the cash for what I want to buy, its good enough. Haha,easy come easy go. I never splurge on myself, I usually spend all my money on others, people I care about. I don't know why, I just don't feel the need to buy better things for myself, I just feel happiest when the people I care for are happy. So indirectly I'm making myself happy.

Rite,anyway.........I'm gonna zzzzzz now............

I suddenly recalled 2 lines from V for Vendetta
Scientist :"Would it be meaningless to apologise?
V : "Never"

And this line has been stuck in my mind for some time
V : "I came not for what you wanted to do, but for what you did."

Meaningful words........indeed they are. I sincerely hope it would never be meaningless to apologise, no matter what the circumstances, cause to the person whom I'm apologising to, I'm sure you can see in my heart, you know my innermost thoughts, you know that I'm truly sorry.

The line that has been stuck in my mind..........what does it truly signify? V said that to the scientist whom he had come to assasinate. The scientist, in all earnestness was trying to help her country, but in the process of doing that, she had no choice but to experiment with human beings with the results of most of her human test subjects dying. So the meaning of what V said is that not every end justifies every means. You are not judged on the reason behind your actions, but by the consequences of your actions. Such a simple sentence, but yet so thought provoking......it is of particular interest to me, as I still struggle to come to terms with something which I had a big part to play in.

Just a final note, those two sentences are related........
My two interpretations of the sentences are also related.........

2006-03-21T00:44:00.000+08:00

Ah........my leg is aching from playing soccer 2 times in 3 days. Today went to play street soccer at clementi,met shawn and his friends at the clementi interchange and shawn kept on calling me,hurrying me up,but in the end i got there and have to wait for all of his friends for about 45min(and i was already 1/2 hr late)!!! My gosh,45 more minutes of sleep would have helped me greatly. Stupid shawn tan,I already told him his friends will confirm be late(from experience) then still pressure me to get there quickly. Well,nonetheless it was fun playing soccer with them, ran a lot today, a bit too much till my muscle is now feeling extremely stretched and hurts if I walk too much. Ashley went there later and it was good to catch up with Ash after quite sometime. Talked about a lot of things,from soccer to holidays,to what's going to happen next semester. The real reason, however, for him going to play soccer was because shawn promised to teach him accounts for his supplementary paper this thursday. So after that went KFC to accompany shawn and ashley(and to brush up on my rusty accounting). I realised that in all my entire life, I have not been able to do a proper and correct balance sheet! And thats like the most basic of all la. Hmm......wonder how I got a B for accounts........

What do you see when you look into the mirror? During the chalet, Lihua and Wan Yi covered up the mirror before sleeping because of the superstition that your soul will be trapped in the mirror if you wake up and the first thing you see is the mirror. Well, I wonder, what would my soul look like? When I look into the mirror,will I see someone whom I will be attracted to? Or someone whom will I recoil from?(note:i'm NOT talking about looks here-->cos if it were then the answer would be the former =D) But anyway,back to the point, if you could see your soul from the outside, what would it look like? Would you see a black as death soul,or a soul pure as a newborn child? I doubt it'll be either. In someway or other,we tainted our souls,ourselves during the course of our lives. So the question is,if there were a "looking glass" which allowed you a chance to see how tainted is it, would you really want to know? Would you dare to find out? Frankly, I don't think i'll dare to take that step. I guess for me some things are better left unknown,ignorance is sometimes bliss..........But question yourself,would you dare to look into that mirror? If you do,then congrats,you fear not yourself. But if like me you don't, then do you know whats the reason behind it? Question yourself..........maybe you'll find some answers which you never thought you'll ever find..........

Come on baby blue
Wake up your tired eyes, the world is waiting for you
May all your dreaming fill the empty sky
But if it makes you happy
Then keep on laughing
Just remember I'll be by your side
And if you only go,its gonna pass you by
(oasis-->let there be love)

Yeah,thats what I'll like to say to vanessa.........don't let that opportunity slip! He's a great guy.

I sometimes confuse myself unnessecarily
Dunno why feelings are so hard to control
Dunno why its so hard to forget
Wish I could and just move on with my life
I just lost a opportunity to make my life complete
But i'm not complaining,I'm still waiting for .......

So go ahead and please smack me on the head the next time you all see me
I need to wake up

2006-03-18T02:02:00.001+08:00

WOW! Back to blog again because I just watched a REALLY REALLY KICK ASS MOVIE!!!!!! V FOR VENDETTA!!! Its seriously seriously nice. Really, its one of the best movies I ever watched, to me ranks right along with Batman Begins and Lord of the rings(overhyped movies like harry potter can't even be compared to this movie). I give it 4.5 stars out of 5. Its the first time(I swear) I watched a movie without feeling sleepy halfway through! This is considered a great feat since its like a 10pm show and it ended around 12+ AND I was feeling extremely extremely sleepy before that. The show is interesting throughout and it grips you from the first minute of the show to the very last second. Even with movies like lord of the rings,batman begins, there are boring moments but this movie somehow manages to make every moment of the show interesting. Oh ya,except for one part which was rather corny(thus I give it 4.5 instead of 5) and somehow didn't fit in with the atmosphere of the movie. Ok, for those of you who don't know what it is about, allow me to give you a short synopsis which I copied from a website.

V for Vendetta takes place in an alternate vision of Britain in which a corrupt and abusive totalitarian government has risen to complete power. During a threatening run in with the secret police, an unassuming young woman named Evey (Natalie Portman) is rescued by a vigilante named V (Hugo Weaving) -- a caped figure both articulate and skilled in combat. V embodies the principles of rebellion from an authoritarian state, donning a mask of vilified would-be terrorist of British history Guy Fawkes and leading a revolution sparked by assassination and destruction. Evey becomes his unlikely ally, newly aware of the cruelty of her own society and her role in it.
--->http://www.bonefire.org/guy/vendetta.php

This "hero" V is totally different from other heroes like superman,batman etc. In fact, he is planning to do the opposite of what other heroes do and is trying to create chaos in Britain. However, the reasons for him doing it is to destroy the government in Britain(reminds me of Hitler and his rule). Hugo Weaving as V is superb. He manages to somehow convey the intricate feelings of V even with a mask on all the time. He is both eloquoent in speech and graceful in action, he is ruthless(this sets him apart from other heroes) yet he is kind in a subtle way. To be able to show and let us know what he's feeling without saying so and behind a mask makes Hugo Weaving a Oscar winner in my opinion. Natalie Portman is great too, and she looks so beautiful even when she's bald. Oh, and though sometimes they may speak too fast for your brain to process what they're saying sometimes,don't worry cos you'll understand it in the end.....everything will fall into place.

So basically,unless you're looking for comedy or lots of romance or are mentally unsound, I highly highly recommend all of you reading this to watch this show cause you'll really enjoy it!!!

Oh and to answer my tagboard(apparently I can't tag......so yes wth,my computer just sucks!). First to chow ee,you're an ass! Haha,but anyway thanks for the er........luck. Yea,its better if you wish me luck in other things(which have more hope of happening) .....To BM0512(whoever you are), I got into BM0526!!!=D And to Ahmad who tries to pass of as V(you should put your name as V. gemok)yea,i'm planning to watch it again! So anyone wants to watch it with me? Haha,but must get my financial power up a bit la.

2006-03-17T01:08:00.000+08:00

Got back my results for this semester last night. So what's the story morning glory? Well, I scored B for everything except statistics which I got C+. Haiz,first thought when I saw the results was "OMG! NO A's!!!!AARRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!" This whole year I never even score 1 A for any subject. Highest I ever got was B+......now that's really really sad no? Well, I'm not TOO disappointed with the results,the most pleasant surprise was accounts. I thought I screwed up the paper since I left out a few questions but apparently I still can score B so the other questions I did must have been largely correct. For my stats, hmm......whats my feeling? I can honestly say I never imagine a C+ for stats. Before I took the paper, I was aiming for a A or higher for stats. After taking the paper and realising I messed it up big time, I expected no less than D. So to be happy or sad? Haha,i'll just be contented. What's done is done. Hmm,was hoping for at least B+ for econs,marketing and EWS but what the hell, hopes and dreams of the past will remain in the past, its time to look to the future and buck up. Haha, I guess its time for the congratulations to the people who scored well. Jek Yew, Shawn, Wan Yi, you all just leave us in your dust trail, can't even smell your results. Distinction here and there, A's here and there.......really no comments sia. But congrats to you all, you all deserve it!!! Especially Jek Yew for he's the most hardworking one and Wan Yi who I can say also work hard for her good results. Shawn tan.....you're an a**, I just can't bring myself to compliment you =P

Ok,lately I've been totally rotting away at home. Or to quote the "wise" Mr. Lex Tan Kee Seng...."stay at home and grow fats". Just been slacking around, listening to music(suddenly into oasis music, its nice! If you want to try listening to their music,msg me in msn,I'll send you their songs), reading, playing computer, searching for jobs via the newspaper and JobsDb and sending a heck lot of resumes to apply for different jobs. Only time I went out was to buy meals and to Singapore Press Holdings to apply part time interviewer job, which is basically going door to door to survey people. Hmm......I went with Hazwan, we both applied(saw Otrysia there also) but apparently I got the job, because they ask me go down on 21 March for a assignment which must be handed back in by 26th march. It works like this, they pay per survey you do, it corresponds with the length of the questionaire. The longer the questionaire, the more they pay you per questionaire and vice versa. It could be as low as $4 per survey to as high as $9 per survey. No fixed working hours, they assign you to a certain region(north,south,east,west) then you just go around surveying people as and when you like. However there is a quota you must fill la. Not a bad job if you think about it. Hmm.........well,I'm just glad to have gotten a job. Anyway, my cousin say he'll go his office there ask if they're hiring cos he say got a vacancy. Hmm.......if have i'll take it man. I'm that desperate for cash. I'm really running super low,scrimping and saving, somemore I'm planning to buy something for someone and its not going to be that cheap either. My god, If I don't get some cash soon, I really won't have any money for my meals soon, cause I already set aside the amount of cash needed for that thing I'm planning to buy and I'm not going to touch it no matter what =D

Hmm, interesting how some people can get a bit stupid and petty eh? Haha, its at times like these when all I can do is laugh.........its really sad how there are people like that in the world........haha,won't elaborate.....

Maybe I just want to fly, want to live but don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breathe, Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe I will never be all the things that I'd like to be
But now is not the time to cry now is the time to find out why
I just want to live forever.........if only you're with me by my side
You're my happiness, you're my pain
You're my sunshine, you're my rain
What's the point of my story if you're not in it morning glory?

2006-03-14T15:39:00.000+08:00

Humans are interesting and complicated creatures. We always say we want to be happy,but yet,most of the time we are not. And most of the time its due to our minds that make us unhappy. We are attracted to controversy and sad events but yet ignore those who try to make this help those in need. Case in point, how many of you will bother to read about Bono(from U2) and his efforts to stop starvation in Africa? Most of you would rather read about Michael Jackson being being on persecuted or David Beckham not being able to do his son's maths homework. Similarly, in our lives, we tend to remember and dwell on the unhappy events and ignore the things that makes us smile and laugh. I'm guilty of that too. I always remember the things that made my life a living hell but forget about the times when I felt I was in Heaven. We always think that happiness is so far away, so out of reach but actually when we look around us, we will be able to see that there are actually so many things to be happy about. I know that in the past, I would constantly dwell on what happened and be sad and unhappy with my life. Unfortunately, at that time I didn't truly see the people who were standing with me supporting me through that torrid time because if I had, I would have realised that I'm a really lucky person to have such support. Jim Carrey once said that "it would be good if everytime we felt like our hearts were ripped out and put out for the seagulls,we could see it as a comedy and laugh about it". Granted, no one can smile all the time, no one can be happy all the time, but by trying to look on the bright side of everything, we can at least ease the pain, and let time heal our wounds. True, some scars will remain forever but its these scars that will make us stronger, serving us as a reminder of what to do and what not to do, making us realise that these are the scars of the important battles we won in our lives. So instead of trying to hide our scars, we should show them off and proudly proclaim that you won, that it did not defeat you or break your spirit, that you're still going strong despite the setbacks in your life. Myself, I have suffered emotionally and mentally, I have been to the lowest point of my life so far and I have got out of the pit of despair and now, I appreciate everything around me even more, love the things I love even more, care more for the people I care about, laugh when previously I would have smiled. I realised that I was never really ever alone. Its all a mental game, how strong are you to overcome it?

I'm happy you're happy.......
Don't lose your smile!!! =D

2006-03-12T12:21:00.000+08:00

Here to blog again......its been an extremely active few days for me.......

Thursday
Went lan gaming with the guys,left my house at around 10+, travelled to dobhy gaut, played 3 games(around 3 hours?) then went to bugis to search for jobs.......applied for sales assistant at,if i'm not wrong, "The wallet shop", obviously didn't get, cause they haven't called me yet. Well, after that travelled to sengkang to meet darius and sean for dinner. After dinner, we walked around the sculpture park which is like a playground, only more sophisicated so we spent a lot of time there reliving our childhood days and behaving like monkeys, climbing around here and there and everywhere, it was really fun.....went home around 12 that day.......

Friday
Went to Sentosa with Jek Yew, Darius and Sean.....was supposed to go with lex but he couldn't make it at the last minute. Well, we all took Jek's Kanchil(mini car) to Jalan Kayu for breakfast first. We ate roti prata there though Darius got ripped off his Nasi Bryani with added chicken........after that was the trip to sentosa, with the windows wind down, we experienced the wind against our face and it was really damn shiok......no other way to describe it, way better than air-con.....got there, sun tanned and while sun tanning, Sean and Darius played Chinese chess. It really is good to watch both of them play, very intriguing matchup.......anyway, once we decided it was enough sun tanning, went to cycle awhile, washed up and went to eat dinner at victoria street. Ate the Minced meat noodle, which was super nice, and ordered carrot cake to share which was also extremely tasty. Then Darius decided to show us all the "kick ass" houses in Singapore so we went travelling in Jek's Car and saw this really huge "house"(if it can be called that......outside at the porch can see around 5 sports cars lining up and the porch was lighted up by a huge Chandelier. AND, at another part of that house, there was a HUGE Eagle statue there.....wow,the person who stays there must be like the most extravagant man in Singapore. Next house, was the Palace, which was shaped like a castle, there was even a "tower" and the steps leading up to the front door reminded me of what I always imagined Cinderalla would walk up to attend the ball. Interesting..........

Saturday
Went to play soccer but it rained(*&^%$#@!), so not only did I get soaked, we had to cancel our soccer practice because of lightning. Damn it, go all the way back to Yio Chu Kang, take taxi with Shawn and Jason from there to cactus rd then in the end never play. But anyway, went to Junction 8 after that for dinner and to search for jobs(again). I applied for a sales assistant job at this kiosk selling shirts, hopefully can get it. Btw, dinner sucked! Yes, the Ban Mian which cost $3.80 was tasteless! Causeway Pts Ban Mian is only $3 and it taste so much better and has so much more in terms of quantity. Well, after that met Vanessa at Bishan Mrt to send her back home, its good to have seen her again after such a long time(12 days is long ok) and it looks like everything is back to normal between us. Haha, ok will end here.........

Why so sad?
Your happiness is important to me
Cheer up girl..........=D

2006-03-08T12:48:00.000+08:00

http://spaces.msn.com/darius182/PersonalSpace/

My response to some of darius's qns in his blogs..........make up the bulk of this blog entry........so go take a look at it......go to blog then see the comments.

Well,next is some news I just recieved......my grandmother got cancer(stage 4),estimated 9 mths left to live......won't comment anymore about this............

Next is I got into the specialisation course of my choice RTM......BM0526-->apparently same class as Wan Yi,I think they group people who are in the same class with each other......

Dare you to move (by switchfoot)
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existance
Everyones here,everyones here
Everybodys watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next? What happens next?

[Chorus]
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened,
today never happened before...

Welcome to the fall out,
Welcome to resistance,
Redemption is here, redemption is here,
Between who you are and who you could be,
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened,
today never happened...

Maybe redemption has stories to tell,
Maybe happiness is right where you fell,
Where can you run to escape from yourself
Where are you gonna go? Where are you gonna go?
Salvation is within you...
[Chorus]
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened,
today never happened, today never happened,
today never happened before

Its a nice song.......seriously.......heard it from darius's labtop.......its perfect for anyone who is down and out.......and is feeling lost or sad........wasted I didn't know about this song last time,could have helped me......well dats about it for now......

2006-03-05T01:35:00.000+08:00

3 parts to this blog entry

1.) I just don't understand why some guys behave like a bitchy girl in some 3rd rate chick flick, getting jealous over someone's "popularity"........my god, grow up man(if thats the correct sex and age to address you by), if someone is better than you, then a) live with it or b) improve yourself!!! And after another incident, I realised that nowadays, people always make a mountain out of a molehill, making every little problem seem like the end of the world......I mean, yea, there are bound to be problems in life but instead of just brooding over it, just think of ways to solve it or just let it go! Unless of course its a extremely big problem, people should just start enjoying what they have instead of worrying about the things they don't have.....makes sense doesn't it? Life is never going to be perfect, life will always be full of problems but if you sweat your ass off over some little problem, then you'll be dehydrated by the time a really big problem surfaces. So the moral of the story is.........why cry over a small thing when there are so many things in life to smile about? =)

2.) I NEED A JOB!!!!!!!! So I bessech all who is reading this now to please intro me a job if you got any er........"lobang"(it doesn't sound right somehow but what the heck.......)I prefer those customer service jobs like the one I did at causeway point. I also don't mind trying out retail job or even cashiering or data entry....actually anything is ok la,cannot be fussy anymore,so once more please please contact me if anyone know of any opening for jobs. I'm not going to lie, I want the money, I have to pay my insurance every month($70) and my pocket money including transport and all 3 meals is $200 so I'm really tight in terms of cash,furthurmore my own personal bank account which used to hold around 1k+ is slowly depleting and has never really from the blow it suffered the other time.........$500+ flying away is no small amount especially when its for something which will haunt me for the rest of my life.........there I go again...... gotta stop this, what's done is done, I can't change what happened so ya......anyway I'm digressing,as I said, I need the money more than the experience now,somemore my parents won't dare to increase my pocket money. So ya,I'm already checking out the papers for jobs but all the high paying jobs hard to get into la,that one only must have insider than can get one so.....ya......that's about it =P

3.) The 3rd part is basically dedicated to someone whom I don't want to lose. Well, I'm frankly a bit stunned after the unexpected er........incident. I'm sorry if I didn't really react well, I was really too surprised and I couldn't really think well at that time.......so I'm sincerly hope that you'll read this and trust that whatever I say now is the truth. You were there when I was down and out......I really really REALLY appreaciate all that you tried to do to ease my pain, cause it helped to hasten my healing process. However, I know myself and I can tell you that I haven't really gotten over what happened.......I still have nightmares occasionally and everytime I wake up after that I'll be filled with deep remorse once more.......I'm now extremely overprotective over the ones whom I care about, I don't want to see them hurt and this will make me severly restrict you, especially if you become the main person in my heart........I can't help it,its just like a side-effect I guess, I'm trying to change this and other things that will affect our relationship so lets remain as friends please.........let me allow time to heal my wounds fully......as you know, time is a great healer so all I'm asking for is some time to change........of course once you find someone else I'll be extremely happy for you but I don't ever want our friendship to end..........I hope you understand girl.......so all is the same between us now alrite? =D

NT-Crucifer is alive!
I'm starting to live again!

2006-03-02T00:53:00.000+08:00

Back from chalet..........
I got 3 words for it
IT WAS FUN!!!
But I'm tired so I'll just summarise the chalet
First day went Wild Wild Wet
First night ate,played monopoly,played "pepsi cola 123",played bluff,talked.....slept at around 8am
Second day, woke up at 12pm,went to shop for bbq stuff,preparation for bbq
Second night was bbq itself,water bomb fight,1 shot bacardi(to brotherhood),talked again.....but this time it was more personal......very interesting conversation.......I couldn't take it though and slept around 1am...... alcohol + tiredness = sleep or death!!! And I'm not kidding.......
It was just one heck of a great chalet
Everyone could click with each other
Everyone was laughing
I enjoyed it immensely!!!
Enough said..........

I was listening to Darius's songs during the chalet and I realised I like this song by 3 doors down....its called "when I'm gone"

There's another world inside of me that you may never see.
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide.
Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find.
Maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind, maybe I'm just blind.

[Chorus]
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
Everything I am and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down even if I could, I'd give up everything if only for your good.
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong.
You can hold me when I'm scared but you won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone

With your psychological x-ray seeing under my skin,
I tried to tell you everything that I could not tell my friends.
Now roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone.
Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.
[Chorusx2]

Its a song with nice lyrics..........no?
Why do I like it?
Because this song could(or can?) speak for me

Its not the years in your life but rather, the life in your years that truly count.-->Its a cool sentence no?

You amaze me
With everything that you do
Will "us" ever work.........?

2006-02-27T11:17:00.000+08:00

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

14. REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Interesting i find it........and true........
Well,will be going off chalet now........
au revoir everyone! =D

J'attends toujours un dieu pour envoyer la fille qui allumera mon jour
Attendant la fille qui me fera le sourire comme jamais avant
Sous le ciel bleu...... partout où elle est en ce moment
--->Its in french!

2006-02-25T13:52:00.000+08:00

And I finally found some time to blog so this entry is going to be quite long...........the exams are finally over!!!~!~!~!~!!! Though I think I won't do very well cos I didn't really study.....damn shit,I feel most heart pain when I think of stats,carelessness cost me greatly......20 marks flushed down the toilet just like that.......can accompany my handphone there already la......

After the stats exams,the group without ash and khai went to chinatown/outram park to eat vegetarian food.......why vegetarian? Because we all know that all year Jek had to always accomodate us so on the final day of the semester we decided to accomodate instead.......and what a wise choice it was cos the food was really excellent!!! Tasted like the real thing man,everything was so good and I couldn't stop eating......really, all of us agreed that North Canteen vegetarian food spoil our image on vegetarian food cos in actual fact it really is damn nice la.........haha,one memorable incident was when Shawn, (who tried to pick up and eat a peanut with his chopsticks in an earlier attempt but failed) succeded on the second attempt. He slowly and carefully used his chopsticks to pick up the peanut, ever so slowly and gingerly moved it near his mouth, put the peanut in his mouth, celebrated by laughing at us for laughing at him earlier.......and out came the peanut from his mouth......ok anyway,after we all walk to clarke quay and sat down to talk......about our classmates and what were our opinions on each of them.......no holds barred.......nice man,but if only it were windier...........such a relaxing end to the semester...........all of them are like the brothers and sisters that I never had......really appreciate each and everyone of you..........

Then yesterday went for job interview at Tampines,not exactly a interview but more of a recruit express thing......actually was looking for the admin data entry job one but because we can only work until 18 april(that's when our school starts again),we couldn't get it,but that guy Bryan said that if any temporary jobs came up he'll call us.......yea,then after that went cycling with darius,shawn,wan yi,lihua at east coast..........well,actually only darius,shawn and me cycled,the girls roller bladed as wan yi wanted to learn......it was really great man,cycling and talking to darius about the more dramatic events in our lives,learnt alot about that guy in quite a short while and I'm sure he also know more about me and why that time I acted in a dangerously mad way........well,what happened to me ain't pleasant,but you can't deny it ain't interesting stuff to the neutral party.........ya, and both of us were really cycling at our own slow pace as compared to shawn who prefers speed and feeling the wind in his face, so he and the girls didn't really join in our conversation........the trip to the hawker centre was realaxing,but the trip back was a really good work out.......cos we only had 1/2 hour to get back to the bicycle rental shop and wan yi couldn't skate very fast yet so in the end she had to cling on to me from behind and I had to cycle her all the way back to the shop.......its not as easy as one might think,especially at the upslopes.........wah,I tell you, at the upslopes my leg muscles really have to work like crazy.......no joke man, somemore my style of cycling is those slack style then I couldn't really get the momentum.....luckily is someone like wan yi who is in her own words "as light as a feather"(a 45kg feather!).......I shudder to think if it was someone like ahmad clinging on.......... shawn who had lihua clinging behind him cycled damn fast...... but guess what? he got there first but lihua fell quite badly.......and though I got there later, both me and wan yi were safe........moral of the story? Slow and steady will win the race!!! Oh and a interesting point to note about yesterday.....I realised shawn and I have the same er........taste? in how to define a girl pretty......cos yesterday, coincedentally, a girl whom I identified as the prettiest girl in my lecture group had a bbq there and we all saw her......shawn who noticed her for the first time also said she was pretty while wan yi and darius both were very firm in saying that no,she wasn't pretty at all........ Lihua had no comments...........she was "blur" as usual and didn't know who we were talking about........hahaha, typical her............

Yea man, the exams are over and the fun has already begun........and its not going to stop soon!!! Later today going to play soccer and after that I'm going to the Arsenal Pub to watch the arsenal game against blackburn with Fareed and Ashraf.......most probably will be drinking........if Arsenal win-->i'll drink to celebrate.........if Arsenal lose-->Drown my sorrows!!! hahahahaha yeah!!! And on monday to wednesday will be our chalet at downtown east, I can't wait for it, I really want to go there and go crazy!!! =D

And 1 last thing........its about the recent Nyp sex scandal thingy...........my only comment would be that the only thing they did right would be to wear protection...........imagine if she got pregnant.....if keep the baby,he/she would be born in shame, if abort, then er............ well either way the baby would have to suffer for the sins of the parents........I don't understand why people don't want to cherish and love themselves......I guess none of us are perfect, and everyone has their own faults and does things they wish they hadn't done...........the only thing for them to do now is first find peace within themselves, look to god for guidance, for forgiveness.......cause only god can free you and cleanse you from all your sins........and once you find peace within yourself and have god close to you, you'll find that facing the world becomes much much easier.............

Ok will end here for now..................

2006-02-19T00:48:00.000+08:00

Not been updating for awhile cause I have (believe it or not) been studying!!! Yeah and my conclusion is............ACCOUNTING SPECIAL JOURNAL SUCKS!!!!!!!! I just can't get that stupid SJ general ledger in my head. Arghh.......i'm already dreaming of the things to do after the exams and I don't know if I want it to end sooner(so i can start enjoying life) or if I want it to start later(so I can study more!).....I'm starting to regret that during the whole semester,I only did statistics homework and neglected the rest of the subjects. Cause I see the topics for econs and accounts all actually is quite easy to understand but just need practice la......and the worst thing is I haven't even touched the memorising-crap-which-we-won't-use-in-future subject marketing yet......die man.......oh ya and poor jek yew had to get sick during the study week which is quite suay la,of all times to get sick.......sad case,really hope he'll recover in time,he's the 1 person I think really deserve to get distinction in all his subjects,I'll pray for your recovery my friend.....haha,already the BSA he getting distinction liao....... wat bout me? I surprisingly scored A for both excel and powerpoint!!! Hmm, thanks to Jek again for teaching me excel and to darius and ashley and khai who were my partners in powerpoint. Yes I do realise I'm being uncharacteristically modest.....

Anyway, I chose French for my elective followed by Japanese......why French? Cos 1) I find the language elegant 2) French is known as the language of romance 3) I plan to bring my future wife/girlfriend to on of the most romantic places on earth-->Paris And then why choose Japanese for my 2nd choice? I guess I'm influenced by the anime I watch and the comics I read......so far the only Jap word I know is BAKA!! Which basically means Idiot........hahaha, not the best word to know I admit........

Ok its been a long entry, will end of here........
Oh and I certainly enjoyed my valentine's day......=D

Eternity
The dark night sky is lit
The stars shine looking down on all
The heart skips a beat
And gently the rains starts to fall
The past flashes by
Engulfed in the blindness once again
Feeling the fear and the loneliness
Lost and helpless, left with only the pain
All who had forsaken
The dreams shattered
The spirit broken
Like you didn't matter
No real understanding
Deception running deep
Hope running out
Destroying only the weak
Your love turning its back
Despair in your soul
No where to turn
Things all out of control
Crying the night away
Seeing nothing beyond
Living the day in agony
The light seemingly all gone.....
The past remains by itself
The present is to live for
After darkness engulfed your world
You learnt and now know more
Unity, love, hope and strength
God's great and special gift to all
With these in life
You can always stand proud and tall
Tears will fall no more
And finally you can see
Things that light up our way
The sky of eternity.............

2006-02-13T23:15:00.000+08:00

The times that have passed
Its gone and won't come back
Now go on your own way
Its the only way to mend the cracks
Cherish what you have now
The present's not for you to forsake
Cherish all that you will have
Don't ever make the same mistake
Try your best to bear your pain
Cause just like after a storm
You'll appreciate the sun more
For giving us light and keeping us warm
You can find joy in the little things
So free yourself and find peace
And if you open up your mind
You'll see the things that you used to miss
Sooner or later you'll find the reason
To wake up in the morning with a smile
To love each minute of each day
The reason that you've been waiting for all this while
Though a dreamer I may be
And though I'm not always right
Just know my care for you is sincere
Cause it seems like I just regained my sight
Nothing's quite the same between us now
Don't throw all your hopes away
But all these words will have no meaning
If you don't trust me and in what I say.............

2006-02-12T23:47:00.000+08:00

I have sorted out my thoughts.........
It really is relaxing to walk in night,just feeling the wind blow against your face,listening to some soothing music,then finally sitting down on the grass and looking up into the sky,looking at how the moon lights up the dark night.
I realised that all my life,I've been too rash,too emotional.........though a lot of people say I seldom lose my cool, it's all just extremely good acting on my part......but recently,I've really been showing cracks in my seemingly unpenetratable armor......i've been worried over so many things,exams and another problem.......And as I sat there looking at the moon, I wondered about how little and unsignificant we all really are, and how maybe all of us have been living like we're all that matters in the world........I'm guilty of that......I admit it,I know my mistakes,my faults and I'm not proud of them,all I ask is for forgiveness from those people that I hurt and from God......There are many things I wished I didn't say,many things I wished I didn't do......As I felt the wind in my face,I felt a peace within me which I haven't felt for goodness knows how long......I thought about what has been happening.......I realised it's a misunderstanding and a misinterpretation both on my part ......I guess it was just such a shock to see what I percieved to be my only ray of hope and only ray of light to suddenly break down and crumble like that,and at that point of time,I just felt more lost that ever,cause I knew I couldn't do anything to ease anybody's pain when I myself couldn't help myself and I hated to see the people I care about being hurt badly.....I have had enough of that in my life and I went berserk in my head......I now understand that I shouldn't be so reliant on other people but rather be reliant on God.......I have over the years,walked away from god,sinning my life away.......I should have prayed for guidance at that time,I shouldn't have just taken things in my own hand,shouldn't have used my worthless and useless opinion in that matter........I gazed at the stars,thinking about all of this......I know I haven't sounded so religious before and most of you reading this will be surprised.....but all along i've taken the wrong path and its time to finally take the right path........with god guiding me,he'll be my strength when I'm weak,be my support when I can't stand........I know Jesus will be taking care of me and the people I love,the people I really care about......

I really wish.........that you would turn to god to ease your pain
He eased mine..........
Guess what
It seems to me
I still care.............

I'll no longer spend my time searching for my angel,my queen of hearts
For I have spent too long searching without seeing............

2006-02-12T01:24:00.000+08:00

Friends say that they're here for you and that they care.
But only the truth is hidden,and the fake is laid bare.
I wish something bruttle that they knew me.
They don't know the real me and none has ever seen
They have no idea the powerful friendship that I contain.
They always think about them first,God why are people so vain?
I am so small to them, they think and don't say.
If only I was hanging off a cliff...
I would then know who my real friends are.
They see me as a person to use, thus sometimes i'm their friends,
Because I am the "lucky" one that they choose.
If they only knew that I am a true friend,and that I will always stand by them..
Through thick and thin...and I will always be there until the very end.
I love my true friends. You know who you are.
You are the ones that are there for me,you walk a thin rope for me,
No matter how far.
I appreciate ya'll and I always will,
I would do anything for you people..even kill.
And for the others,someday you will know the real me.
And regret taking me for granted now.
You will to get on stage with me, you will try somehow.
But my real friends will be there, right next to me as I sing.
You will be in the back audiance..doing nothing but wishing.
You shouldn't treat me so dumb, this very night.
Because maybe in the future, you could be in my life in full flight.
Until you give me a chance, and show me your love
I will not show you my trust again.
Because you push me away, and do nothing but shove.

Got this from some other blog.........its damn nice la,all the entries are like this......like a song,but describing the feelings and her day........super nice.......there's a melacholic feel to these "poems"......I admire her style, reminds me of my own style.......unfortunately it has been a Long while since it was updated,4 years already.....haha ya,a bit wasted ah I feel.
Anyway today went to study Econs and I tell you,its almost enjoyable to study.......when I concentrate I really concentrate and block out all other thoughts.....and it really takes my mind off a lot of other "depressing" stuff. Well,think I'll complete my econs revision by tomorrow(hopefully :D) and then can go for soccer with ease of mind. Monday will be going to study with the guys and maybe go look for job also. Got the book fair job at expo already,but as that's only a temp job.......still got a lot of time on my hands to kill after that fair to school starting again so hopefully can find another job to occupy my time during the holiday period......so maybe on Monday will be looking for job with Sean and Shawn.....also on monday arrange to go movie with Vanessa,this time I won't pang seh already.......=D hehe,I know who deserves my time...........anyway ya,that's about all.........

2006-02-10T23:50:00.000+08:00

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Chorus:
Cause all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)
You'll never change what's been and gone

Chorus(x2)

I'm just one of the stars
That's fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll never see me again
Just take what you need
and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out (x3)

Oasis-->"Stop crying your heart out"

This will be the last post I'll ever dedicate to you..........
That song's lyrics are what I want to tell you.....and its the last......

And every1,my new motto is "what won't kill me will only make me stronger"
Cool eh? =D
Think I'm going to look at everything thats happening as a learning experience......haha,I always try to look on the bright side of things....keeps me going.....no?
And congrats to Daryl,good Olvl results you scored........ and Vanessa!!! Great results girl! Feel happy for you two......my Olvl results last year can't even smell both of your scores.......hehe, anyway choose your course wisely.....Cya 2 soon......don't worry, I promised to watch the movie with you and I don't lie or break promises!!!=P

2006-02-10T14:09:00.000+08:00

I can't see a lane
They make you a pawn in a game for
I am deaf, dumb and blind
After the storm when the magic has gone
Drown in the tears of a mandrake
Pawn in the game, invisible chains
Try to move, you'll feel as they graze
After the storm when the magic has gone
Drown in the tears of a mandrake
Fading away, the final decay
Try to move, break out from your chains

Nicest song from Edguy........ever.............Tears of a Mandrake

I feel Stupid......
I just got knocked out by a sucker punch =P

2006-02-08T23:50:00.000+08:00

I'm thought it through......i'm going to let everything take its course, what will happen will happen, I'll just take whatever that'll come to me. Indeed, i'm no longer gonna fight it anymore.....

Anyway,sorry to anyone who i offended or vented my anger on, I know I've not been acting myself.......forgive me plz......i'm just feeling too stressed out and I guess me being who I am,I hated myself inside cause i was feeling so lost and helpless and this is the weakest I ever felt,I dun like seeing my weak side and I don't like anyone seeing it either.......but thats no excuse for me anyway,so once again I apologize.......and I sincerly thank those people who stood by me.......i really really appreciate it a lot........don't worry everybody....i'm swear i'm back to normal now......=P

So anyway,today was the EWS web based report presentation,think our group did quite well.....(mainly because my grp have 2 geniuses;P). After school,went to watch the movie "matchpoint",starring Charlize Theron and I feel that it had a unique ending though there were some really retarded moments of the movie which totally spoilt it. Watched the movie with the guys.....Sean,Lex,Darius,Jek Yew,Ashley......we decided to catch the 4+movie so from 1-4 we had nothing to do. Therefore we went to grassroots club,actually to play pool but it was fully booked. So we all went to play the mini arcade and go bowling. Haha,Sean Poon surprisingly "owned" everyone in bowling and it was "GG" for us.....ok,I'm talking in Sean's language so some of you may not understand. Overall, it was quite a fun day, never felt this cheerful for so long already.....I guess,my decision to let things take its course can really help me greatly......cos tmr I got a VERY big urge to start............STUDYING!!!!!!hahaha,unexpected??? Well,not really,exams are coming.......I'm lazy but i'm also smart,i noe when to start pushing myself......and now is the time........ah not now then when??? Your father call ah??? ok,thats lame,but its just nostalgia man.......today is the last lesson and lecture our class will have together and very hard to hear the stupid bangla prank call again......actually tmr got lessons la,but from the looks of it a lot of ppl not going........so i consider today the last lecture/lesson.

Ok,dats about all............

CheriSh
There's a lot of things
That blinds my sight
But the song that you sing
Makes me feel all right
Like the wind on my face
I'll CheriSh you
You just keep me amazed
With the things that you do
I'll never look back
I'll not look at what's fated
I'll just CheriSh things that I have
And not wallow in hatred
There's a lot to live for
There are reasons to smile
My scars may be still sore
But I'm happy right now
And I'm no longer down
Cause the way to CheriSh
I finally found.......

*I composed this myself......................cos its true for me.................

Man.......i'm a talented genius.......hahahahahahahaha YEAH!!!! ;P

2006-02-06T18:14:00.000+08:00

Basically,the scales have fallen from my eyes.........and this entry is for someone

Vanessa......
I really didn't expect you to be the one there for me.....seriously,it was a huge surprise that you actually came all the way to woodlands just to meet me to find out what's wrong......somehow,since I only met you 3 times through Daryl and though we talk on msn frequently,I never in my wildest dreams would imagine that you would be so concerned.......hahaha,anyway,I hope you enjoyed your lunch and movie treat today.......I really do appreciate you.......thanks a lot for your time,care and concern........=D You cheered me up!

I'm there whenever you needed me........
Where were you when I needed someone?

Enough said

2006-02-05T15:25:00.000+08:00

There's a chinese saying "hao xin mei hao bao" which directly translates into good heart = no good outcome......Somehow I'm starting to believe in that saying now. I am suddenly troubled and worried about so many things and I realise that for once I need to have someone by my side supporting me,helping me, someone to really care for me and really be here for me and with me.......instead of doing things and solving all my troubles alone..........I hope to seriously find peace now........or someone to share my burden right now to ease my turmoil......

I turn to writing for a temporary way out

The sword of flames
Is plunged in my soul
Yet my heart and spirit
Remains in the cold
I'm tired and lonely
I don't know if I did right
Dark is the path I chose
With no end in my sight
Redemption and devastation
It wasn't that I really meant
My concience is killing
To have broken the law god sent
Will a angel be sent
With love in her heart
My life needs to be mend
Can the angel do the part?

2006-02-04T01:20:00.000+08:00

My legs are all wobbly now and my a** is aching like crazy........went for cycling at East Coast just now with Lex,Sean,Shawn and Jason.....Wan Yi was supposed to come also but she needed to be home by evening to cook dinner for her uncles and aunts.....oh well,the cycling trip was quite relaxing and relaxation is what I would recommend Wan Yi now so its quite a waste for her not to be there,but to look on the bright side,at least she's finally going to eat some healthy home cooked food.......Anyway,as mentioned earlier the cycling trip was really relaxing but tiring also......I cycled from 630-10+,so its about 3 1/2 hours total cycling give or take......wah,cycling at night is really cool man,the wind from the sea is so refreshing combined with the darkness of the night resulted in a really soothing atmosphere that I found extremely enjoyable........its really great cause my mind now is full of worries and I find that by cycling,I can really think things through. However,the best part of the cycling was when we had to cycle in this extremely dark and secluded place and the only light was the stars and the moon.....at that point I felt really carefree and realised that we're too caught up with the big things to appreciate the smaller things in life which make it worth living. Anyway,after cycling went to eat Mcdonalds(which totally put to waste the cycling work out) and went to coffee bean to drink and talk.....or rather listening to the losing his voice Shawn Tan telling his whole collection of REALLY REALLY retarded jokes......hahaha,I think one of his more retarded jokes will forever be stuck in my mind.........ok,so we left the place at around 2320.....which was a huge mistake....because the last bus for me 966 was at 2331......and by the time i reached the bus stop it was already 12 midnight.....I didn't noe la,that the bloody 966 bus service end so early until I reach there and see the bus schedule.....knn,then in the end have to take taxi back home and call my dad come down pay for me first cos I got not enough money.........$20!!!!!!!!!!!! wtf la,such a freaking waste of money.....oh well,thats about all I guess.....oh ya,1 more thing,when I got home,I found out my paternal grandmother was hospitalised today after suddenly collapsing(something to do with low sugar level)......and yet again,my mind is filled with another worry.........

"im scared~!!!"
I understand its scary
As a friend I'll be there with you
To hopefully be able to comfort you and ease your fear
But the main thing is.....your sister is right
You should go for the checkup
And see if anything needs to be done
The earlier the better
Please.............
A world without you is scarier............

2006-02-01T22:56:00.000+08:00

I'm in serious need of sleep,been sleeping extremely late the whole CNY period,mainly due to the fact that my dad has been playing mahjong at my grandma's house all the way into the wee hours of the morning so I had no choice but to stay there and watch them play mahjong or playing PS2 with my cousin or playing with the dog hobbit(aka howney,hooney,a-bi-->he responds to all the names). Ok,nothing much to update really,i'm just not in the mood and can't concentrate well anyway so ciao for now.

And all of a sudden,my mind is filled with worry for Wan Yi...........

All I'm want is to find someone whom I can care for and make happy
Someone who will care for me too
Someone to share my sorrows and joys with
Someone whom I will want to be with in her good times and bad
And when I find that someone,I won't let go of her........

2006-01-29T11:56:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!
Its time to go visiting all my relatives.......Its the year of the dog,my favourite animal of all.....haha,not that it really matters anyway,because I never really understood all these chinese zodiac stuff........The worst thing this CNY is I have a bloody cough and sore throat so I can't really eat too much CNY goodies.............or can I??? haha,don't think i'll really care about my sore throat,I'll just eat eat eat......hahaha and grow fatter!!!!!! Ahmad,you'll soon be able to share the fat criticisms directed at you with me......yesterday was reunion dinner but went to my grandmother's house late as my mum was cooking something and left there early without eating much as had to send all the goodies to other relatives........very sad man,cannot eat my fill.....already I recieved 4 angpows.....and I'm suddenly feeling rich....hahaha,this will really ease my financial burden.......somemore my school will end soon,that means after that I can work to continue sustaining myself........don't think I'll have any plans for valentine's day though......I guess I'm not really dating material huh? Actually,I would never know cause I never asked anyone out on that day before.......and if I do ask this year,I seriously doubt the poor girl whom I ask will give a answer in the affirmitive.....so why not save the money eh? I could always use it for keyboard lessons or (if no one is taking with the keyboard lesson) guitar lessons.......and from new year to now,I have never told anyone my new year resolutions and since its now the chinese new year,i might as well state it out so here it is......

Study hard and score well in my exams(which studen't wouldn't want to make this resolution?)
Learn the keyboard/Guitar(as mentioned above)
Answer my phone!!!(this will bring relief to many)
Be more patient(aren't I patient enough?)
Be more trusting(Yes,I don't trust anybody but god and myself...and MAYBE someone else)
Be more religious!!(I'm a christian though I doubt anyone would guess it)
Learn to stop living in fantasies and start living in reality(......)
Find my queen of hearts(its early but hey,you never know)

Yea,that bout all i guess.........
GLORY TO THE KING!!!

2006-01-26T23:21:00.000+08:00

I'm totally drunk right now.......just drank brandy.....first time trying it,not bad,much better than beer but somehow wine taste better........brandy i think just too strong man,i feel so dizzy now......hahahahaha YEEEAAAHHH!!! Ok,anyway i'm so bloody relived econs project is finally over,ews web based report is done,only left with the presentation,only left with the ews ICA3 project. Econs presentation went ok,not too bad,got tongue tied at one moment but managed to cover it......was supposed to go east coast cycling today but i couldn't as my mum suddenly decided to cook and I had to stay and eat......sad man,I didn't expect this,was looking foward to the relaxing cycling trip.......Ended up watching Memoirs of a Geisha with my cousin and his frens......a impromptu decision as the invitation was last minute.....wasn't too bad the movie but I was too sleepy to enjoy it,somemore halfway through the movie my mind was occupied with something else that happened suddenly....won't elaborate further.....haha,I don't know what to do man......my heart is no longer mine to give away........oh well,i'll guess i will eventually figure something out..........chinese new year is around the corner,will be expecting angpows left right centre.......this year CNY good timing,I'm in need of cash and the cash would come in REALLY handy IF(and only IF) I should have anything planned on Valentine's day which is coming soon.......

As beautiful as the Dawn
As elegant as the Dusk
As bright a light in my life as the Sun
As comforting as a moon which lights my path in the dark.......

2006-01-25T10:48:00.000+08:00

'Cause Little by little
Gave you everything you ever dreamed of
Little by little
The wheels of your life they're slowly fallin off
Little by little
You have to give it all in all your life
And all the time I just ask myself why are you really here?

Little by little-->Oasis

2006-01-23T19:54:00.000+08:00

A person scarred by the sins and the pains of his life, learns much faster than a person who's life is perfect. I've learnt to not hope,to not dream, not to believe in anything.......or anyone. The world is too unpredictable,too cruel for useless things like that. Trust,love and friendship are all just like dust in the wind........easily destroyed and quite impossible to last in one place forever. So why do I still live my life based on these? I've been hurt over and over and OVER again,in different ways and by different people.....you would think I'd have learnt my lesson by now......But I believe I've been hurt so many times that I'm right now addicted and used to it. I've gotten used to the feeling of waking up and having a sinking feeling about the day ahead of me......in fact,I don't really have a reason to wake up in the morning.......I thought I recently found the reason but I don't really think there ever was one......Don't think there ever will be one........I'm a loner....I'll be alone in soul and in spirit.......I doubt I'll ever find someone to share my soul with,my problems,my thoughts........I hate raising my hopes that the someone has been found before dashing it so cruelly and so quickly........but this feeling of hate is a feeling which I embrace....its the only feeling I trust.....the only feeling I should feel......
I need to take a look at my life and realise what my priorities are.......me, me and me.....that's all I should ever care about,myself and no one else......cause no one else will ever care for me.....

Hahahahahahaha YEAH!!!!! THE SILENT LONER HAS RETURNED!!!

Sweet.......

2006-01-21T12:51:00.000+08:00

Ohhhh.......man........yesterday was the nyp open house and being the goodie bag distributor was really a bloody boring job. In the first shift all I had to do was to wait for the supply of goodie bags to run low before getting more. It took very long for the supply to run low as morning wasn't really crowded. So ended up talking with lex about a lot of things.....in the end got so bored as there really was nothing to do and since there was no supervision,we went outside to accompany Wan Yi in her ushering job.....so slacked the first shift away,met william and his gf for lunch at north canteen but I didn't eat anything as I was too full from breakfast which I just ate 3hours ago. The slacking supervision were such that lex,Jek,Wan Yi and I could all take our break together....though Wan Yi didn't eat lunch with us....hahaha,dun worry,I'm not in the least bit jealous......so mr tan kee seng, you can stop announcing to the world that I am....2 shift was way better,because of lack of manpower I was shifted to data entry and it was at that position when I saw this extremely BEAUTIFUL and PRETTY girl!! Wa lao,she really outstanding in the looks department man....and I'm someone who is very reserved with praise but this girl.....deserves all my repertoire of of praise in terms of the looks. Hahaha,incredible that such beauty exists in the small island of Singapore man.....this is the only girl I can say can match shuanna in beauty or even better her.......but of course I didn't ask her for her number or anything,I don't do things like that as I believe in character rather than beauty....and I respect a person's privacy. Ya,to me,relationships should be formed from the inside rather than the outside though I know many people who get into relationships just because of the outside beauty. Anyway,after the open house,had to help darius the fool with his part of the economics project and it was then when I saw someone whom I never expected in my life to be so suay as to see again and when I saw him it really got me boiling and I was seriously tempted to go and punch his fucking face and beat him up all over again......strong words from me considering I'm such a man of peace ;P....really spoilt my day and my mood.....however,I still managed to be happy when I attended cousing Geraldine's wedding later that night. The table seating had problems and my parents and I and a few other relatives were left without a table even after the dinner had started.....eventually they opened up a new table.....food wasn't too bad,I was surprisingly full after the dinner was over even though the helpings were small....wah,realised that my cousin Geraldine who's 27 this year and her husband Heng Tong were in a relationship for more than 11 years!!! What a remarkable achievement......so Wan Yi,you can start believing again that relationships can so long till marriage and even after that.....the key is to put in effort to make the relationship surprising,romantic and fresh all the time. Haha,got a bit drunk drinking too much wine and I'm now suffering from a hangover damn it....oh well,thats about all,pretty long entry.......

Yesterday,you somehow managed to make me smile and feel happier when I was so down and angry.........

2006-01-18T20:52:00.000+08:00

This is the result from a personality test i took

You're blue, the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you because they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue and patently you!

I think it describes me almost perfectly.........

2006-01-18T15:57:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was turbulent,totally drained, really unbearable.............emotions can be so very sweet....and so very destructive......

Today was like heaven compared to yesterday's hell....anyway today missed EWS because I woke up at around 805 but EWS started at 8. I think the 1st warning letter for this module is coming my way soon. So I went to school for a 1hr marketing lecture and to do Economics project with Darius the fool. Then after that went to the NYP pal open house brieing thing which was basically a waste of time.......I've been assigned to give goody bags the whole bloody time....like wtf la,from 10am-5.30pm have to give people goody bags only,no variety in my job. Oh well,hopefully will be fun,did this mainly to get the CCA pt though. Oh well,basically thats all man......ciao.......

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
people think that I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
'Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify
Can you help me occupy my mind?
Oh yeah
I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the person that gives true happiness, I must be blind
Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I try to feel and love to me seems so unreal
And so as you hear these words telling you now of my fate
I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could,I hope its not too late
Paranoid by Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath

Nice song........guitar solo is great,Ozzy is really a legendary Metal Singer.........and somehow a bit of this song applies to me now.......i guess..........

2006-01-17T20:35:00.000+08:00

You don't want to lose me later
So why not lose me now.....................
Lose me before you sink in too deep
I see your point
I am acting out your point
And I will act it out too well................ i have to be cruel to be kind
I promised
That I'll always be there for you
And that you can always rely on me no matter what
But you don't believe in me............
What else can I say?
I am doing what you want......

Am I???? I dunno,tell me........

Its the first time in my life while playing "solitaire" that the game hanged and I was on the verge of abandoning it but it suddenly resumed.........
I mean......wtf......

2006-01-13T01:40:00.000+08:00

It never rains but it only pours.......
This phrase is so suitable nowadays..........
Suits the weather in Singapore
Suits my mood.......when i'm down i'm really down
Problem with me is I think too much
Pondering on everything.......
I was too selfish in the past.....I only thought of my happiness
I neglected the happiness of the person who cared for me
I'm too selfless now,sacrificing just so everybody close to me can lead a happier life
Guess I have to make up for the past....circle of life
The more I remember,the harder it is to forget again
I'll face my problems alone........like I always do......
Thats just how I am........independent.......a loner
But I can still get through anything.........

I'll always be there for my friends........especially my closer friends.........
So you'll never be alone..........
Never.........

2006-01-11T00:10:00.000+08:00

Last night, while chatting with Wan Yi on Msn, something was triggered within me and I was filled with great regret suddenly. It was so overwhelming, so powerful.....I couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but sit there and stare blankly into space.......

I thought of my past and of how foolish and rash I was, so filled with dreams and fantasy of feelings for the past that I neglected and pushed away the present,i'm not blaming anyone but myself for this.........it wasn't easy to find out how much I meant to someone whom I hurt and made cry. The chain of events following that, with her on the rebound and getting a a**hole of a new boyfriend who hurt her even more and ran shirked responsibility for what he had done made me wonder if it wasn't all my fault. I was there for her when she needed someone to care, I tried to erase my guilt by helping her all in any way and everyway I could no holds barred. After everything was finally over, I half regretted helping her because of the fresh and greater guilt no residing within me. Even then, I managed to convince myself to erase that guilt. I thought i would leave it all behind, and just pretend that nothing ever happened. But yesterday, I happened to stumble upon a note written by her pinned to a poem which I wrote for her once. It was a thank you note for all I had done. In it she wrote all her feelings down too,and as i read it, I realised that I had turn away the girl who truly loved me........and while chatting with Wan Yi I too realised that deep inside of me I had a love for her too. . But now it can never happen. There's so much a man can say, but as proficient with words as I am, I can never fully and truly express what I feel..........

Her light that shone within me is long gone, the heart which beat against mine is no longer here with me,the smile that started my day is no more, the warmth and gentleness of her touch is now cold and left in the past.......her loving angelic kiss i can never experience again.....

I sat there staring at blank space and I silently cried a single tear...............

2006-01-06T13:39:00.000+08:00

Cry the tears of blood

On the ground here I lay

Like the scar from a deep cut

I just can't get away

This life I was given

With all the troubles I had

My pain still stays hidden

I'm so full of regret

Each day and each night

I feel lost and alone

where is the light

to light up my heart and my home?

Was inspired to write this by........(you know who you are). Think this is how you feel right now.....

Well anyway I've got this to say:

Life's not right but its not wrong

It may seem unfair

But life made you strong

And gave you friends that do care

I know you're hurting real bad

And that deep down inside

You're extremely scared

You just want to run and hide

But I believe that things will get better

Just give it some time

Now all that really matters

Is that you're going to be fine

Remember that every night has its dawn

You must see the dark to see the light

Hope will never truly be gone

Cause this friend is by your side

Everything will work out fine mon chere

Trust me =D...............

2005-12-31T00:30:00.000+08:00

I have been defeated and brought down
Dropped to my knees when hope ran out
The time has come to change my ways
I will never long for what might have been
Regret will not waste my life again
I will not look back I fight to remain
On this day I see clearly
Everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And I will leave it all behind
Fear will kill me
All I could be
Lift these sorrows
Let me breathe
Could I be set free from you
On this day it is so real to me
Everything has come to light
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel alive

2005-12-25T02:43:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! Been a long time since I updated blog and what better time to do it than at 3AM in the morning of christmas? Slacked the week away since the holidays started already......went to do the marketing project with Jesvin in the middle of the week and thats when I fully understood what Jek Yew went through when he did the SPSS all by himself during our stats project.......thanks a million Jek! Really appreciate it......=D Haha,other than that spent my time at home mostly reading,playing the computer and sleeping! WOO! A bit no life ah me,but gotta relax when the time comes.....am looking for a job also cos my $$$ is at a all time low........

Last Sunday was Huiling jie jie's wedding,beautiful event but got a bit of cock up with the seating arrangements cos some granduncle got a feud with another granduncle then cannot sit together.....in the end after rearraging both kor and kai kai had to sit at such a table so far away from their sister who is the bride! I mean,so old already still want to quarrel,so bloody immature.....i think shawn tan more mature than them ah(that's saying alot cos shawn at his age still does things like rolling up paper balls and throwing it at other people).....but all in all it was a successful event though I sincerely pray that both the bride and groom will love each other.......on the surface it seems perfect but if one knew the actual reason they were getting married......but as I said hopefully by being married to each other,they will learn to understand each other better and lead a happy blissful married life.

Haha,I read the young and foolish's one blog about working alone and being sian so, I being the good guy went to causeway point almost everyday to go eat lunch with her.....haha,still that doesn't mean I'm wooing her so to everybody who wants to get me better spectacles for christmas.....don't!!! Haha, some of you may not understand what the last line meant but just read it again and you'll get it........aiya but actually her work like super slack like that,can take pictures with the giant MnM statue somemore........haha,as if the MnM statue don't look pretty enough.......Lolz,Just to remind you Wan Yi,"Beauty and the Beast" was last time event hor,do not attempt to recreate it by taking your picture with the beauty MnM statue... ;P

Next week will be starting some serious studying,hopefully i'll have the willpower to sit down and study study study.....yes I know its the holidays but I really need to catch up on some lessons especially in accounts.......haiz........

Anyway end of post so once again i'll like to wish every one MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Don't worry girl,you've got people concerned for you
So no matter what you're going through,no matter what you don't understand
No matter how much things seem to not go your way
Just know that there will always be at least one person who will look out for you
Stay strong Mon Chere.......

2005-12-16T13:38:00.000+08:00

Mon---8 hrs of lessons,3 hrs break which were spent doing projects,total 12hrs of school....... I think you get the picture.

Tue---8 hrs of school,1 hr break,a 2hour stressful business software application test......I was knocked out flat when I got home.

Wed---School started at 8am,finished at 1. Went to finish up the stats project and gave Jun Rui her birthday presents(a love passport perfume and a necklace I made myself).Haha,kena scolding by Wan Yi and Darius because they think I should have talk to her longer.....Anyway had to rush off to Ang Mo Kio to meet my dota team members(lex,william,safary,sean poon) who were practicing at the Lan Shop there. I unfortunately had no time to accompany Wan Yi to see the doctor for the rash on her hand as our timeslot in the dota competition was at 630 and there was little time left for me to go and practice with my team members(For the record,the super lazy Wan Yi didn't see the doctor ;D). When we got there,we managed to win the first round because lex was on top form. However,the 2nd round was a different story,we were being dominated.......if not for lex,william and me defending like crazy,we would have lost the game much earlier,instead we dragged it out till the maximum time limit and could have won it if we had a bit more luck and if the "wonderful" sean had died a little less haha......in the end lost in the scoring system.......sad man,$10,000 prize money fly away just like that...........the whole thing ended at 11pm,so by the time I got back was extremely late......it was thus a whole day spent outside and I was unconcious when my head touched the pillow that night and I drifted into a dreamless sleep.

Thur---Didn't go to school the whole day as I overslept. Got my first warning letter for accounts already what the hell,cannot pon any more.....sad......However went shopping with Wan Yi at causeway pt for birthday gifts for sean,felicia,the "foolish one" ashley and er......my birthday present. I didn't want any but Wan Yi insisted on it even though my birthday was like 1month plus ago. Thanks to felicia,Wan Yi and lihua who all gave me presents.......Then went to Wan Yi's aunt house to carry a microwave oven over to Wan Yi house so that she could bake cookies......my reward? One box of delicious and freshly baked cookies which I collected at around 11pm and finished it at around 1145pm. Couldn't stop eating it at all............super super nice.......thumbs up to you girl........you know I don't usually praise people but you really deserve it. Hahaha,unlike your accountings mark,I give you an A for those cookies........okok I stop suaning you,my accounts mark also confirm not that good.........quite a long entry already so will stop now.........

2005-12-11T01:02:00.000+08:00

I suddenly feel so crazy......not thinking straight anymore......i guess it has got something to do with the fact that almost everything seems to be against me this afternoon.......the weather,the players,my stupid lousy connection handphone.........Such a bloody sian day today so mostly spent daydreaming about this and that and guess what!?! In the midst of it all a realization suddenly dawned on me.......won't be saying what it is though........have to think it through first.......anyway today Wan Yi said that while working this China lady went to scold all of them or something.....really pity Wan Yi,I understand how unreasonable,rude and irritating some customers can be.......Haha,wasted I wasn't working there otherwise I can help Wan Yi take the scolding since I most probably won't understand a single Chinese word the woman is saying especially if she has the china accent,then can let her talk and talk and talk while I just pretend to be distraught and sorry but actually thinking of something else....takes me back to the time when I was working as a waiter,serving rich arrogant people who treat us waiters like as if they own us......bossing us around,scolding us if we make a little mistake and complaining to the manager about every little thing,so many of them are like that until i'm sort of immune to customer scoldings..........and its not like I'm a bad waiter of anything,I'm one of the better waiters,always smiling and trying to make the customer happy(actually I'm just hoping for a tip la) but customers can still find fault with me......bloody irritaing jackasses but I guess it takes all kinds to make the world.......good experience for me though,learning how to handle different types of people is a invaluable skill to pick up especially since I'm in business management......

Oh and btw,I just finished watching the Arsenal game and I'm seriously thinking that Arsenal don't win the champions league,then its a total disgrace to the stadium Highbury.......bringing glory one last time to that ground is the least they can do to thank Highbury for being their home for so very long.......

Two people celebrated their birthdays this week
Sean poon(one of my brothers)---Wonderful,so you're finally 17,time to stop playing the computer day in day out man and start exploring the world or at least Singapore instead of being cooped up at Hougang. Life away from the cyber world is there to be enjoyed so don't be such a hardcore gamer anymore la and you know that my birthday msg for you is to GO GET A GIRLFRIEND!

Jun Rui---You have changed since secondary school,in a positive way. Now you're more mature,you've developed a much stronger character and you're definitely growing prettier by the moment. Things may not go your way sometimes and life ain't fair but perservere on girl and try to take the positive side in everything....cause you're one of the people I truly care about and I don't want you to be sad. Continue fighting for all your goals and dreams,you'll achieve them someday. Finally,I sincerly hope,pray and wish that you'll soon find true love........

2005-12-07T00:59:00.000+08:00

I just feel like listening to metal music and waste away through the night.............

As I spread my wings and shout to the crowd
In the name of love I'll fly
My eyes seem so glazed
As I fly on the wings of dream
Now I falter and cannot be saved
Now my wings turn to ashes to ashes my grave

2005-12-04T22:10:00.000+08:00

Wow,i'm so freaking tired after today's soccer,ran and ran and ran until I dropped(literally),then picked myself up and ran somemore.......haiz,what to do,I'm just filled with the drive to play my best and chase every ball,harass every defender,tackle anybody attacking us. Unfortunately though,I don't see the same passion in several of my players.....the player who I really look up to though is Sani......he really plays the game with passion,he's the best player on the field but yet he turns up every week without fail,even with an ingrown toenail he will still come for training,that's how passionate he is. Unlike several other people who just suck so fucking badly but still don't come for training at all. Furthurmore when he plays,he challenges for every ball,runs up and down the field and somehow manages to lead and inspire the team in his own quiet way. As a result,today he almost fought with a opposition player after tackling him......admittedly Sani tackle was a bad tackle but before he could apologise the opposition player(keith) started to challenge him already. Therefore a war of words ensued but luckily there were the old men to stop the situation getting out of hand,otherwise if a fight broke out between keith and sani,keith wouldn't stand a chance seeing as how Sani has a black belt in taekwondo and is trained in the police force. Anyway the matter was settled peacefully as its only a game after all and should be enjoyed. Sani's reason for tackling so rough on keith was that he saw no one on our team dared to challenge keith for the ball as keith is a stout fast player so he wanted to tackle keith to show us there was nothing to be afraid of and to set an example for us. If only my team had more people like Sani to drive us on,we can challenge any team with confidence man.........unfortuantely,I'm stuck with people like Shawn(haha;P).......anyway will end here ba,too tired to continue.

2005-12-02T22:23:00.000+08:00

Maybe I sometimes seem to pretend not to notice you
Maybe I sometimes seem to try to ignore your existence
Maybe I sometimes seem to look the other way when I see you
You see,
You want me to move on,you told me that from the start
But everytime I see you,my heart starts to beat faster
And my feelings for you resurfaces from deep within
Then I start to feel afraid,cause once again I am opening myself up for dissapointment and hurt
I want to again start feeling the joy of being in love with someone who will love me too

But sometimes I just can't help dreaming.............about me and you together.........a fantasy which I can only love but never live.....................

2005-12-01T01:37:00.000+08:00

Today woke up late so didn't go for effective writing at 8. There were no more lessons today as marketing was a e-learn lecture so actually I could have stayed at home the whole day. However today was the day that Wan Yi had her auditions for the NYP singing competition and since I promised to support her from the start,I went to school to do just that. Happened Wan Yi also didn't go for the writing,so I arranged to meet her at 1230 in school. Reason why we didn't meet in woodlands first was because I though I could go to school and study for the microecons test with the rest of the gang. Unfortunately,I messaged lex to tell him about my plan but Mr Kee Seng had the perfect timing to forget to bring his handphone today so in the end I went to school and had to study alone as all the rest of them went home. Bloody kee seng......... Too boring so went to the free access lab instead and played with the computer until Wan Yi came. Her registration no. was 35 so we had a long wait until 410 before it was her turn.Damn long wait.......However she used this time to practice her singing and I honestly think she has a good chance of getting through to the next round. Will stop here for today,feeling nostalgic........

I just posted a comment on darius blog over his latest blog entry which was quite emotional. I wrote it without thinking about myself but looking back again at my comment,a part of it made me feel............i don't know how to describe the feeling.......sort of sad,sort of nostalgic, sort of enlightened.......really don't know what I feel.
Anyway here's the part of the comment:
"To know that someone in this world is thinking of you all the time,isn't that such a wonderful thing? Let me tell you,the pain is inderscribable to be thinking of someone all the time,yet knowing that the person you're thinking about is thinking of someone else...........At least you've got something to look foward to,a direction in your life,a reality to live and love....................not just a dream nor a hopeless fantasy.........."

2005-11-25T01:53:00.000+08:00

The sole purpose of this short blog post is to thank Wan Yi.........she helped me understand something which had been bothering me for a very loooonnnnnngggg time.Thanks a lot "wife"!!!! I finally know why..........................and a part of me is sort of relieved.................really really thank you Wan Yi........

2005-11-20T22:23:00.000+08:00

If you're don't have the fucking guts to take responsibility for what you've done,then don't come and start blaming me for trying my best to do what I can for my friend. Don't come and challenge me to fight and its extremely disgusting to see a pathetic shithole writhing on the floor in pain........understand this,I did what I could to help her,so what if I paid for it? So what if I encouraged to go ahead with the operation? I thought it was the best option for her. I'm the only one whom she trusted enough to ask for help and advise,so don't come and accuse me of meddling in other people's affairs. You think I don't feel guilty,you think I don't question my morals,my decision? How many sleepless nights have I endured with the overwhelming sense of guilt keeping me awake,with the scene at the clinic,the realisation,all haunting me in my dreams for weeks to come. She has come to grips with it and is moving on with her life,she's stronger than I thought and I admire her for that. You should too,I don't care if you wish you should have done more,because when it came to the wire you did nothing and shunned responsibility and "ran" away from the problem which you caused. Now when everything's done you come and find trouble with me for my part......please just leave me alone from now on,you should really start finding at least a hint of a life.....

Btw to clear all the qns,my blog url change because I decided that this url address suits me more. ntljr---signifies my "good" side while crucifer signifies my "bad" side. It is because of JR that I decided to try and become the perfect person because I know JR deserves no one but the best without realising that she wasn't looking for THE perfect person but for the perfect person FOR her.Nonetheless,it made me a better person and I managed to curb several shortcomings of mine. Crucifer is another name which I gave myself. I listen to a lot of metal music it influenced me to come up with this name. Since it was through metal music that I once turned slightly satanic,It would be a suiltable name for my "bad" side. Its also my gaming name.....therefore I find that these two nicknames signify my good side and bad side......I know you are thinking that its slightly stupid but..................................do I really care what you think?

2005-11-13T22:05:00.000+08:00

Finally done the 2 ICAs,stats and business application,the business application damn screwed up man,hopefully can pass......oh well I guess I can look foward to a soccer match this coming week,against category C NS men,which means men in the army who have been assigned desk jobs so hopefully they won't be that fit or our team will get thrashed.......

I'm tired,really tired........dunno why.................

To those who have been bugging me to move on from JR:
YOU WIN
I'm really tired of arguing with you guys.........
I am moving on
I will eventually fall in love with someone else
But you guys should really stop trying to influence me to go after Wan Yi........
SERIOUSLY!!!!
Let things take its course,if happen I develop feelings for her than we'll see
As of yet though....

2005-10-29T12:19:00.000+08:00

Went to east coast with my class friends on Friday,had one hell of a great time cycling and learning how to roller blade. Fell a few times of course since this is the first time roller blading but I just kept on practicing it till I finally got a hang of it........sort of. Anyway poor Jek Yew never did manage to roller blade properly and got a bump on his head at the end of it all after Lex's bicycle fell on him. Nonetheless Sean finally learnt how to cycle so we all sort of "succeded" in one of our objectives. Was tired after 4 hours of cycling and rollerblading but Lihua wanted to go kite flying somemore. However Jek Yew and Sean had to go back and Wan Yi and I was tired so we decided to go home instead. Was so tired that we both fell asleep on the train,something that I have never done before. Before that however there were this group of guys in the train and I think they wanted to talk to Wan Yi or something but I think as I was talking to Wan Yi they didn't try. Really man,I can't tahan this sort of Ah bengs. Anyway today played soccer match,it ended 4-4 in a match which I felt we could and should have easily won but for some errors in our defence they managed to get a draw against us. It was so damn tiring especially since the centre of the field was so bloody muddy till you actually sink inside the mud when you're running and this seriously hampers our passing and running. Nonetheless I think we are on the right track and improving except for Jason who still seems lost. Heh think I'm going to slp now.......tired la.

What do you do when you're haunted by something you done in the best interest of someone you care about.........

Hey angel can you tell me,
Will you lead me to the place
Full of heat,in the fire
for I only brought disgrace
(I am not to blame,If I fully knew)
Hey angel will you take me
To the judgement of his rage
Hey will I die
For I couldn't stop the fate
(To do the right thing as I have been told)
A redeemer or devastation
It wasn't really meant
For the sin of this dreamer
Who killed the life you sent
(How to stop myself from feeling guilt)
Hey I don't know but I wondered
Days of thinking over and again
Maybe i'm stoned by the inscense
Do I rise or just descent?

Taken from the song "Seven Angels" by Avantasia with edited lyrics to suit what i'm feeling now.

2005-10-22T13:30:00.000+08:00

School started this week and it was really great to see everyone once again.....all our new lecturers also seem good. My parents went to vietnam for a holiday this week so the house was mine but I had a house guest. Who and why the person was staying with me I won't reveal as its a private matter of that person(just know that i care for that person). Seriously though, I think I did all i could to help that person. Anyways i'm not really in the mood to blog anything. Even though I'm happy to see all of my friends again,this week and the past 2 weeks have been a troubling week,concerned with the problem of that person. Well,I guess i'll end here for now.....