Sunday, January 29, 2006

Happy Chinese New Year!
Its time to go visiting all my relatives.......Its the year of the dog,my favourite animal of all.....haha,not that it really matters anyway,because I never really understood all these chinese zodiac stuff........The worst thing this CNY is I have a bloody cough and sore throat so I can't really eat too much CNY goodies.............or can I??? haha,don't think i'll really care about my sore throat,I'll just eat eat eat......hahaha and grow fatter!!!!!! Ahmad,you'll soon be able to share the fat criticisms directed at you with me......yesterday was reunion dinner but went to my grandmother's house late as my mum was cooking something and left there early without eating much as had to send all the goodies to other relatives........very sad man,cannot eat my fill.....already I recieved 4 angpows.....and I'm suddenly feeling rich....hahaha,this will really ease my financial burden.......somemore my school will end soon,that means after that I can work to continue sustaining myself........don't think I'll have any plans for valentine's day though......I guess I'm not really dating material huh? Actually,I would never know cause I never asked anyone out on that day before.......and if I do ask this year,I seriously doubt the poor girl whom I ask will give a answer in the affirmitive.....so why not save the money eh? I could always use it for keyboard lessons or (if no one is taking with the keyboard lesson) guitar lessons.......and from new year to now,I have never told anyone my new year resolutions and since its now the chinese new year,i might as well state it out so here it is......

Study hard and score well in my exams(which studen't wouldn't want to make this resolution?)
Learn the keyboard/Guitar(as mentioned above)
Answer my phone!!!(this will bring relief to many)
Be more patient(aren't I patient enough?)
Be more trusting(Yes,I don't trust anybody but god and myself...and MAYBE someone else)
Be more religious!!(I'm a christian though I doubt anyone would guess it)
Learn to stop living in fantasies and start living in reality(......)
Find my queen of hearts(its early but hey,you never know)

Yea,that bout all i guess.........
GLORY TO THE KING!!!

wings tear my body apart at [11:56 AM]

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

I'm totally drunk right now.......just drank brandy.....first time trying it,not bad,much better than beer but somehow wine taste better........brandy i think just too strong man,i feel so dizzy now......hahahahaha YEEEAAAHHH!!! Ok,anyway i'm so bloody relived econs project is finally over,ews web based report is done,only left with the presentation,only left with the ews ICA3 project. Econs presentation went ok,not too bad,got tongue tied at one moment but managed to cover it......was supposed to go east coast cycling today but i couldn't as my mum suddenly decided to cook and I had to stay and eat......sad man,I didn't expect this,was looking foward to the relaxing cycling trip.......Ended up watching Memoirs of a Geisha with my cousin and his frens......a impromptu decision as the invitation was last minute.....wasn't too bad the movie but I was too sleepy to enjoy it,somemore halfway through the movie my mind was occupied with something else that happened suddenly....won't elaborate further.....haha,I don't know what to do man......my heart is no longer mine to give away........oh well,i'll guess i will eventually figure something out..........chinese new year is around the corner,will be expecting angpows left right centre.......this year CNY good timing,I'm in need of cash and the cash would come in REALLY handy IF(and only IF) I should have anything planned on Valentine's day which is coming soon.......

As beautiful as the Dawn
As elegant as the Dusk
As bright a light in my life as the Sun
As comforting as a moon which lights my path in the dark.......

wings tear my body apart at [11:21 PM]

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

'Cause Little by little
Gave you everything you ever dreamed of
Little by little
The wheels of your life they're slowly fallin off
Little by little
You have to give it all in all your life
And all the time I just ask myself why are you really here?

Little by little-->Oasis

wings tear my body apart at [10:48 AM]

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Monday, January 23, 2006

A person scarred by the sins and the pains of his life, learns much faster than a person who's life is perfect. I've learnt to not hope,to not dream, not to believe in anything.......or anyone. The world is too unpredictable,too cruel for useless things like that. Trust,love and friendship are all just like dust in the wind........easily destroyed and quite impossible to last in one place forever. So why do I still live my life based on these? I've been hurt over and over and OVER again,in different ways and by different people.....you would think I'd have learnt my lesson by now......But I believe I've been hurt so many times that I'm right now addicted and used to it. I've gotten used to the feeling of waking up and having a sinking feeling about the day ahead of me......in fact,I don't really have a reason to wake up in the morning.......I thought I recently found the reason but I don't really think there ever was one......Don't think there ever will be one........I'm a loner....I'll be alone in soul and in spirit.......I doubt I'll ever find someone to share my soul with,my problems,my thoughts........I hate raising my hopes that the someone has been found before dashing it so cruelly and so quickly........but this feeling of hate is a feeling which I embrace....its the only feeling I trust.....the only feeling I should feel......
I need to take a look at my life and realise what my priorities are.......me, me and me.....that's all I should ever care about,myself and no one else......cause no one else will ever care for me.....

Hahahahahahaha YEAH!!!!! THE SILENT LONER HAS RETURNED!!!

Sweet.......

wings tear my body apart at [7:54 PM]

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Saturday, January 21, 2006

Ohhhh.......man........yesterday was the nyp open house and being the goodie bag distributor was really a bloody boring job. In the first shift all I had to do was to wait for the supply of goodie bags to run low before getting more. It took very long for the supply to run low as morning wasn't really crowded. So ended up talking with lex about a lot of things.....in the end got so bored as there really was nothing to do and since there was no supervision,we went outside to accompany Wan Yi in her ushering job.....so slacked the first shift away,met william and his gf for lunch at north canteen but I didn't eat anything as I was too full from breakfast which I just ate 3hours ago. The slacking supervision were such that lex,Jek,Wan Yi and I could all take our break together....though Wan Yi didn't eat lunch with us....hahaha,dun worry,I'm not in the least bit jealous......so mr tan kee seng, you can stop announcing to the world that I am....2 shift was way better,because of lack of manpower I was shifted to data entry and it was at that position when I saw this extremely BEAUTIFUL and PRETTY girl!! Wa lao,she really outstanding in the looks department man....and I'm someone who is very reserved with praise but this girl.....deserves all my repertoire of of praise in terms of the looks. Hahaha,incredible that such beauty exists in the small island of Singapore man.....this is the only girl I can say can match shuanna in beauty or even better her.......but of course I didn't ask her for her number or anything,I don't do things like that as I believe in character rather than beauty....and I respect a person's privacy. Ya,to me,relationships should be formed from the inside rather than the outside though I know many people who get into relationships just because of the outside beauty. Anyway,after the open house,had to help darius the fool with his part of the economics project and it was then when I saw someone whom I never expected in my life to be so suay as to see again and when I saw him it really got me boiling and I was seriously tempted to go and punch his fucking face and beat him up all over again......strong words from me considering I'm such a man of peace ;P....really spoilt my day and my mood.....however,I still managed to be happy when I attended cousing Geraldine's wedding later that night. The table seating had problems and my parents and I and a few other relatives were left without a table even after the dinner had started.....eventually they opened up a new table.....food wasn't too bad,I was surprisingly full after the dinner was over even though the helpings were small....wah,realised that my cousin Geraldine who's 27 this year and her husband Heng Tong were in a relationship for more than 11 years!!! What a remarkable achievement......so Wan Yi,you can start believing again that relationships can so long till marriage and even after that.....the key is to put in effort to make the relationship surprising,romantic and fresh all the time. Haha,got a bit drunk drinking too much wine and I'm now suffering from a hangover damn it....oh well,thats about all,pretty long entry.......

Yesterday,you somehow managed to make me smile and feel happier when I was so down and angry.........

wings tear my body apart at [12:51 PM]

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

This is the result from a personality test i took

You're blue, the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you because they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue and patently you!

I think it describes me almost perfectly.........

wings tear my body apart at [8:52 PM]

Yesterday was turbulent,totally drained, really unbearable.............emotions can be so very sweet....and so very destructive......

Today was like heaven compared to yesterday's hell....anyway today missed EWS because I woke up at around 805 but EWS started at 8. I think the 1st warning letter for this module is coming my way soon. So I went to school for a 1hr marketing lecture and to do Economics project with Darius the fool. Then after that went to the NYP pal open house brieing thing which was basically a waste of time.......I've been assigned to give goody bags the whole bloody time....like wtf la,from 10am-5.30pm have to give people goody bags only,no variety in my job. Oh well,hopefully will be fun,did this mainly to get the CCA pt though. Oh well,basically thats all man......ciao.......


Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
people think that I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
'Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify
Can you help me occupy my mind?
Oh yeah
I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the person that gives true happiness, I must be blind
Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I try to feel and love to me seems so unreal
And so as you hear these words telling you now of my fate
I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could,I hope its not too late
Paranoid by Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath

Nice song........guitar solo is great,Ozzy is really a legendary Metal Singer.........and somehow a bit of this song applies to me now.......i guess..........

wings tear my body apart at [3:57 PM]

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

You don't want to lose me later
So why not lose me now.....................
Lose me before you sink in too deep
I see your point
I am acting out your point
And I will act it out too well................ i have to be cruel to be kind
I promised
That I'll always be there for you
And that you can always rely on me no matter what
But you don't believe in me............
What else can I say?
I am doing what you want......


Am I???? I dunno,tell me........







Its the first time in my life while playing "solitaire" that the game hanged and I was on the verge of abandoning it but it suddenly resumed.........
I mean......wtf......

wings tear my body apart at [8:35 PM]

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Friday, January 13, 2006

It never rains but it only pours.......
This phrase is so suitable nowadays..........
Suits the weather in Singapore
Suits my mood.......when i'm down i'm really down
Problem with me is I think too much
Pondering on everything.......
I was too selfish in the past.....I only thought of my happiness
I neglected the happiness of the person who cared for me
I'm too selfless now,sacrificing just so everybody close to me can lead a happier life
Guess I have to make up for the past....circle of life
The more I remember,the harder it is to forget again
I'll face my problems alone........like I always do......
Thats just how I am........independent.......a loner
But I can still get through anything.........

I'll always be there for my friends........especially my closer friends.........
So you'll never be alone..........
Never.........

wings tear my body apart at [1:40 AM]

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Last night, while chatting with Wan Yi on Msn, something was triggered within me and I was filled with great regret suddenly. It was so overwhelming, so powerful.....I couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but sit there and stare blankly into space.......

I thought of my past and of how foolish and rash I was, so filled with dreams and fantasy of feelings for the past that I neglected and pushed away the present,i'm not blaming anyone but myself for this.........it wasn't easy to find out how much I meant to someone whom I hurt and made cry. The chain of events following that, with her on the rebound and getting a a**hole of a new boyfriend who hurt her even more and ran shirked responsibility for what he had done made me wonder if it wasn't all my fault. I was there for her when she needed someone to care, I tried to erase my guilt by helping her all in any way and everyway I could no holds barred. After everything was finally over, I half regretted helping her because of the fresh and greater guilt no residing within me. Even then, I managed to convince myself to erase that guilt. I thought i would leave it all behind, and just pretend that nothing ever happened. But yesterday, I happened to stumble upon a note written by her pinned to a poem which I wrote for her once. It was a thank you note for all I had done. In it she wrote all her feelings down too,and as i read it, I realised that I had turn away the girl who truly loved me........and while chatting with Wan Yi I too realised that deep inside of me I had a love for her too. . But now it can never happen. There's so much a man can say, but as proficient with words as I am, I can never fully and truly express what I feel..........

Her light that shone within me is long gone, the heart which beat against mine is no longer here with me,the smile that started my day is no more, the warmth and gentleness of her touch is now cold and left in the past.......her loving angelic kiss i can never experience again.....

I sat there staring at blank space and I silently cried a single tear...............

wings tear my body apart at [12:10 AM]

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Friday, January 06, 2006

wings tear my body apart at [1:39 PM]

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What is the truth
What is reality
What can't be removed
Is that part of humanity
See death in those eyes
As the flame dies
Then suddenly arise
Lingering on forever.....
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