Its not over till I breathe my last gasp of air

Friday, March 31, 2006

Man, i'm bored at work. Seriously bored. All the things I have to do require only about 1% of my brain(Darius! The perfect job for you!!! 1% of my brain = 100% of yours =D). But in case you all start getting the wrong idea that I'm the coffee boy, i'm not. Hell, making good coffee takes skill man, what i'm doing does not. I'm doing all the odds and ends stuff, like folding letters and putting into envolopes, printing out badges, printing out letters, pasting addresses onto envolopes and recently, photocopying stacks and stacks of papers. I've had all the time in the world to day dream, and I've certainly entertained myself by dreaming about......my dreams =P. The only challenge in this job is to stay awake while doing your work.

Oh ya, and the air con is freezing, I shiver even with 2 layers of clothes on(shirt and jacket). So with strong air con and a comfortable chair along with boring things to do, the challenge of no sleeping is a great challenge. The 2nd day was especially tough, seeing as how I stayed up to watch soccer, but I found a way to keep me awake, and that is to change my desktop background to a picture(no prizes for guessing what pic) which will make my heart beat quickly everytime I look at it, thus keeping me from sleeping.

Good thing about this place though is the cafeteria below. It sells extremely good snacks. The curry puff is wonderful,the fried dough(with some onions and chilli) is sinfully delicious and the the sardine bread is simply to die for. No kidding.........and to top it off, the stall holders are extremely friendly. Ahh, and since my work place is near bukit merah, I most of the time "call call call call call"(about 6 times you know! hahaha-->inside joke) shawn tan to show me and Daryl the culinary delights of Redhill during our lunch break. Oh and interesting point to note during one of these lunch trips, I spotted this stall named "S&M Western Barbeque"..............hahahaha, what a name to give their shop, S&M.......Shawn and his friend thomas gave some suggestions like "maybe the whip the cow before killing it". Oh and for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about and what S&M means to us, then i've got 3 words for you...........IGNORANCE IS BLISS!

Damn, I'm so sleepy...........will stop here for now,update some other time.

I remember the times too and I'll never forget them

wings tear my body apart at [10:43 PM]

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Monday, March 27, 2006

Emotions are running high in me now

Something provoked my thoughts while on the way back from work today. I was in the MRT when I suddenly saw this malay teenager(who looked around my age) holding hands with this chinese girl who looked around 15-16. What bothered me wasn't the fact that they were of different race, what really bothered me was that the girl was pregnant. Yes! I'm guessing around 2-3 mths pregnant! Don't ask me how I know she's 15-16,its just a guess from both the look of the girl and the look of the guy. Anyway, I just wonder if they're going to keep the baby. Seeing as how the earlier you abort, the less complications arise, I suspect that they're planning to go ahead and keep the baby. But I wonder, do they have the financial power to raise a baby? Do they have the time, the responsibility to raise a child? What of their future? They're so young, unless they have extremely rich parents who can afford to raise this child, but what if they don't? Would they just go ahead and keep the baby,making their lives harder and maybe even ruining themselves just to nurture another life? Damn, I hate dwelling on this topic, I hate reminding myself of this damned topic. I hate the fact that I had to see those 2 people, cause it will only bring back memories, memories which I wish to erase from my life.

Tell me, just tell me, is killing a unborn life wrong, if you knew that you could not handle everything that raising a baby would bring, if you knew that your life may be made so much harder by keeping it. Tell me,just tell me..........

Remember, Remember, the 17th of october
The choice, the pain of the abort....
I see no reason why the memories
Should ever be forgot... ...

wings tear my body apart at [9:35 PM]

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Saturday, March 25, 2006

I'm super tired. I got a job as a outdoor surveyor. Been working from 1-6 since wednesday. However, had to report to office at 11 am so basically from 10-6 i'm at the outdoor surveyor job. Then after that have to chiong to admiralty to do door to door survey,by the time I reach there will be around 9+ since the outdoor surveyor job does not end at 6 but can end around 7+,so by the time I get back home will be around 11+, a fully day of work and a day of having lots of people telling me to F*** off. Anyway the outdoor surveyor job is fully commisioned based pay,no basic. First day I earned around $70,2nd day around $40,3rd day around $30. So for 3 days I earn around $140. Its a bloody tough job, have to stand out under the sun asking people to help you do 1 extremely short survey, and seeing people shun you like you have SARS isn't really the best boost to the morale. On my feet for 5hours straight walking around in the sun, talking to total strangers and trying to get them to disclose their particulars and answer 2 qns isn't as easy as its sounds. Its tough but guess what, I managed to break the record for having been the first person EVER to sell 30 tickets on my first day(I had no prior experience). The previous record was 14. Hmm......and to think Kai Boon aimed for a lofty target of 60, I only barely reached half that target set(for the record,kai boon did 12). I can frankly tell you, I'm not liking this job one single bit, but yet, I persevere, and overall I did pretty ok for 3 days. I finally have the cash to buy the thing I've wanted to buy for a long time. Thats my main motivation for perservering. Everytime I feel like just giving up, I picture a image in my mind and that image sort of gives me the motivation to continue. But in the end, I quit the job because my cousin daryl called and said the place where he's working(office job $6 ph) got vacancy, if I want confirm will get. So I opted for a more stable income,rather than the comissioned based job. Also, the survey thing really sometimes can exasperate me no end. People will just insist that i'm a liar and that their information will be used for some sort of sales gimmick or something. Well, not that I'm weak not to continue on,just that I got a better offer somewhere else for a job, and after weighing the pros and cons.....I chose the office job. But its a good experience, the outdoor surveyors really thickens your skin, and it exposes you to the nastier side of people, it lets you get used to rejection. I must have gotten rejected like, at least 500 times total?(not an exaggeration). I try to take the positive side in everything now, and anyway since it helped me get the cash for what I want to buy, its good enough. Haha,easy come easy go. I never splurge on myself, I usually spend all my money on others, people I care about. I don't know why, I just don't feel the need to buy better things for myself, I just feel happiest when the people I care for are happy. So indirectly I'm making myself happy.

Rite,anyway.........I'm gonna zzzzzz now............

I suddenly recalled 2 lines from V for Vendetta
Scientist :"Would it be meaningless to apologise?
V : "Never"

And this line has been stuck in my mind for some time
V : "I came not for what you wanted to do, but for what you did."

Meaningful words........indeed they are. I sincerely hope it would never be meaningless to apologise, no matter what the circumstances, cause to the person whom I'm apologising to, I'm sure you can see in my heart, you know my innermost thoughts, you know that I'm truly sorry.

The line that has been stuck in my mind..........what does it truly signify? V said that to the scientist whom he had come to assasinate. The scientist, in all earnestness was trying to help her country, but in the process of doing that, she had no choice but to experiment with human beings with the results of most of her human test subjects dying. So the meaning of what V said is that not every end justifies every means. You are not judged on the reason behind your actions, but by the consequences of your actions. Such a simple sentence, but yet so thought provoking......it is of particular interest to me, as I still struggle to come to terms with something which I had a big part to play in.

Just a final note, those two sentences are related........
My two interpretations of the sentences are also related.........

wings tear my body apart at [1:06 AM]

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Ah........my leg is aching from playing soccer 2 times in 3 days. Today went to play street soccer at clementi,met shawn and his friends at the clementi interchange and shawn kept on calling me,hurrying me up,but in the end i got there and have to wait for all of his friends for about 45min(and i was already 1/2 hr late)!!! My gosh,45 more minutes of sleep would have helped me greatly. Stupid shawn tan,I already told him his friends will confirm be late(from experience) then still pressure me to get there quickly. Well,nonetheless it was fun playing soccer with them, ran a lot today, a bit too much till my muscle is now feeling extremely stretched and hurts if I walk too much. Ashley went there later and it was good to catch up with Ash after quite sometime. Talked about a lot of things,from soccer to holidays,to what's going to happen next semester. The real reason, however, for him going to play soccer was because shawn promised to teach him accounts for his supplementary paper this thursday. So after that went KFC to accompany shawn and ashley(and to brush up on my rusty accounting). I realised that in all my entire life, I have not been able to do a proper and correct balance sheet! And thats like the most basic of all la. Hmm......wonder how I got a B for accounts........

What do you see when you look into the mirror? During the chalet, Lihua and Wan Yi covered up the mirror before sleeping because of the superstition that your soul will be trapped in the mirror if you wake up and the first thing you see is the mirror. Well, I wonder, what would my soul look like? When I look into the mirror,will I see someone whom I will be attracted to? Or someone whom will I recoil from?(note:i'm NOT talking about looks here-->cos if it were then the answer would be the former =D) But anyway,back to the point, if you could see your soul from the outside, what would it look like? Would you see a black as death soul,or a soul pure as a newborn child? I doubt it'll be either. In someway or other,we tainted our souls,ourselves during the course of our lives. So the question is,if there were a "looking glass" which allowed you a chance to see how tainted is it, would you really want to know? Would you dare to find out? Frankly, I don't think i'll dare to take that step. I guess for me some things are better left unknown,ignorance is sometimes bliss..........But question yourself,would you dare to look into that mirror? If you do,then congrats,you fear not yourself. But if like me you don't, then do you know whats the reason behind it? Question yourself..........maybe you'll find some answers which you never thought you'll ever find..........

Come on baby blue
Wake up your tired eyes, the world is waiting for you
May all your dreaming fill the empty sky
But if it makes you happy
Then keep on laughing
Just remember I'll be by your side
And if you only go,its gonna pass you by
(oasis-->let there be love)

Yeah,thats what I'll like to say to vanessa.........don't let that opportunity slip! He's a great guy.

I sometimes confuse myself unnessecarily
Dunno why feelings are so hard to control
Dunno why its so hard to forget
Wish I could and just move on with my life
I just lost a opportunity to make my life complete
But i'm not complaining,I'm still waiting for .......

So go ahead and please smack me on the head the next time you all see me
I need to wake up

wings tear my body apart at [12:44 AM]

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

WOW! Back to blog again because I just watched a REALLY REALLY KICK ASS MOVIE!!!!!! V FOR VENDETTA!!! Its seriously seriously nice. Really, its one of the best movies I ever watched, to me ranks right along with Batman Begins and Lord of the rings(overhyped movies like harry potter can't even be compared to this movie). I give it 4.5 stars out of 5. Its the first time(I swear) I watched a movie without feeling sleepy halfway through! This is considered a great feat since its like a 10pm show and it ended around 12+ AND I was feeling extremely extremely sleepy before that. The show is interesting throughout and it grips you from the first minute of the show to the very last second. Even with movies like lord of the rings,batman begins, there are boring moments but this movie somehow manages to make every moment of the show interesting. Oh ya,except for one part which was rather corny(thus I give it 4.5 instead of 5) and somehow didn't fit in with the atmosphere of the movie. Ok, for those of you who don't know what it is about, allow me to give you a short synopsis which I copied from a website.

V for Vendetta takes place in an alternate vision of Britain in which a corrupt and abusive totalitarian government has risen to complete power. During a threatening run in with the secret police, an unassuming young woman named Evey (Natalie Portman) is rescued by a vigilante named V (Hugo Weaving) -- a caped figure both articulate and skilled in combat. V embodies the principles of rebellion from an authoritarian state, donning a mask of vilified would-be terrorist of British history Guy Fawkes and leading a revolution sparked by assassination and destruction. Evey becomes his unlikely ally, newly aware of the cruelty of her own society and her role in it.
--->http://www.bonefire.org/guy/vendetta.php

This "hero" V is totally different from other heroes like superman,batman etc. In fact, he is planning to do the opposite of what other heroes do and is trying to create chaos in Britain. However, the reasons for him doing it is to destroy the government in Britain(reminds me of Hitler and his rule). Hugo Weaving as V is superb. He manages to somehow convey the intricate feelings of V even with a mask on all the time. He is both eloquoent in speech and graceful in action, he is ruthless(this sets him apart from other heroes) yet he is kind in a subtle way. To be able to show and let us know what he's feeling without saying so and behind a mask makes Hugo Weaving a Oscar winner in my opinion. Natalie Portman is great too, and she looks so beautiful even when she's bald. Oh, and though sometimes they may speak too fast for your brain to process what they're saying sometimes,don't worry cos you'll understand it in the end.....everything will fall into place.

So basically,unless you're looking for comedy or lots of romance or are mentally unsound, I highly highly recommend all of you reading this to watch this show cause you'll really enjoy it!!!

Oh and to answer my tagboard(apparently I can't tag......so yes wth,my computer just sucks!). First to chow ee,you're an ass! Haha,but anyway thanks for the er........luck. Yea,its better if you wish me luck in other things(which have more hope of happening) .....To BM0512(whoever you are), I got into BM0526!!!=D And to Ahmad who tries to pass of as V(you should put your name as V. gemok)yea,i'm planning to watch it again! So anyone wants to watch it with me? Haha,but must get my financial power up a bit la.

wings tear my body apart at [2:02 AM]

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Friday, March 17, 2006

Got back my results for this semester last night. So what's the story morning glory? Well, I scored B for everything except statistics which I got C+. Haiz,first thought when I saw the results was "OMG! NO A's!!!!AARRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!" This whole year I never even score 1 A for any subject. Highest I ever got was B+......now that's really really sad no? Well, I'm not TOO disappointed with the results,the most pleasant surprise was accounts. I thought I screwed up the paper since I left out a few questions but apparently I still can score B so the other questions I did must have been largely correct. For my stats, hmm......whats my feeling? I can honestly say I never imagine a C+ for stats. Before I took the paper, I was aiming for a A or higher for stats. After taking the paper and realising I messed it up big time, I expected no less than D. So to be happy or sad? Haha,i'll just be contented. What's done is done. Hmm,was hoping for at least B+ for econs,marketing and EWS but what the hell, hopes and dreams of the past will remain in the past, its time to look to the future and buck up. Haha, I guess its time for the congratulations to the people who scored well. Jek Yew, Shawn, Wan Yi, you all just leave us in your dust trail, can't even smell your results. Distinction here and there, A's here and there.......really no comments sia. But congrats to you all, you all deserve it!!! Especially Jek Yew for he's the most hardworking one and Wan Yi who I can say also work hard for her good results. Shawn tan.....you're an a**, I just can't bring myself to compliment you =P

Ok,lately I've been totally rotting away at home. Or to quote the "wise" Mr. Lex Tan Kee Seng...."stay at home and grow fats". Just been slacking around, listening to music(suddenly into oasis music, its nice! If you want to try listening to their music,msg me in msn,I'll send you their songs), reading, playing computer, searching for jobs via the newspaper and JobsDb and sending a heck lot of resumes to apply for different jobs. Only time I went out was to buy meals and to Singapore Press Holdings to apply part time interviewer job, which is basically going door to door to survey people. Hmm......I went with Hazwan, we both applied(saw Otrysia there also) but apparently I got the job, because they ask me go down on 21 March for a assignment which must be handed back in by 26th march. It works like this, they pay per survey you do, it corresponds with the length of the questionaire. The longer the questionaire, the more they pay you per questionaire and vice versa. It could be as low as $4 per survey to as high as $9 per survey. No fixed working hours, they assign you to a certain region(north,south,east,west) then you just go around surveying people as and when you like. However there is a quota you must fill la. Not a bad job if you think about it. Hmm.........well,I'm just glad to have gotten a job. Anyway, my cousin say he'll go his office there ask if they're hiring cos he say got a vacancy. Hmm.......if have i'll take it man. I'm that desperate for cash. I'm really running super low,scrimping and saving, somemore I'm planning to buy something for someone and its not going to be that cheap either. My god, If I don't get some cash soon, I really won't have any money for my meals soon, cause I already set aside the amount of cash needed for that thing I'm planning to buy and I'm not going to touch it no matter what =D

Hmm, interesting how some people can get a bit stupid and petty eh? Haha, its at times like these when all I can do is laugh.........its really sad how there are people like that in the world........haha,won't elaborate.....

Maybe I just want to fly, want to live but don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breathe, Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe I will never be all the things that I'd like to be
But now is not the time to cry now is the time to find out why
I just want to live forever.........if only you're with me by my side
You're my happiness, you're my pain
You're my sunshine, you're my rain
What's the point of my story if you're not in it morning glory?

wings tear my body apart at [1:08 AM]

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Humans are interesting and complicated creatures. We always say we want to be happy,but yet,most of the time we are not. And most of the time its due to our minds that make us unhappy. We are attracted to controversy and sad events but yet ignore those who try to make this help those in need. Case in point, how many of you will bother to read about Bono(from U2) and his efforts to stop starvation in Africa? Most of you would rather read about Michael Jackson being being on persecuted or David Beckham not being able to do his son's maths homework. Similarly, in our lives, we tend to remember and dwell on the unhappy events and ignore the things that makes us smile and laugh. I'm guilty of that too. I always remember the things that made my life a living hell but forget about the times when I felt I was in Heaven. We always think that happiness is so far away, so out of reach but actually when we look around us, we will be able to see that there are actually so many things to be happy about. I know that in the past, I would constantly dwell on what happened and be sad and unhappy with my life. Unfortunately, at that time I didn't truly see the people who were standing with me supporting me through that torrid time because if I had, I would have realised that I'm a really lucky person to have such support. Jim Carrey once said that "it would be good if everytime we felt like our hearts were ripped out and put out for the seagulls,we could see it as a comedy and laugh about it". Granted, no one can smile all the time, no one can be happy all the time, but by trying to look on the bright side of everything, we can at least ease the pain, and let time heal our wounds. True, some scars will remain forever but its these scars that will make us stronger, serving us as a reminder of what to do and what not to do, making us realise that these are the scars of the important battles we won in our lives. So instead of trying to hide our scars, we should show them off and proudly proclaim that you won, that it did not defeat you or break your spirit, that you're still going strong despite the setbacks in your life. Myself, I have suffered emotionally and mentally, I have been to the lowest point of my life so far and I have got out of the pit of despair and now, I appreciate everything around me even more, love the things I love even more, care more for the people I care about, laugh when previously I would have smiled. I realised that I was never really ever alone. Its all a mental game, how strong are you to overcome it?

I'm happy you're happy.......
Don't lose your smile!!! =D

wings tear my body apart at [3:39 PM]

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Sunday, March 12, 2006

Here to blog again......its been an extremely active few days for me.......

Thursday
Went lan gaming with the guys,left my house at around 10+, travelled to dobhy gaut, played 3 games(around 3 hours?) then went to bugis to search for jobs.......applied for sales assistant at,if i'm not wrong, "The wallet shop", obviously didn't get, cause they haven't called me yet. Well, after that travelled to sengkang to meet darius and sean for dinner. After dinner, we walked around the sculpture park which is like a playground, only more sophisicated so we spent a lot of time there reliving our childhood days and behaving like monkeys, climbing around here and there and everywhere, it was really fun.....went home around 12 that day.......

Friday
Went to Sentosa with Jek Yew, Darius and Sean.....was supposed to go with lex but he couldn't make it at the last minute. Well, we all took Jek's Kanchil(mini car) to Jalan Kayu for breakfast first. We ate roti prata there though Darius got ripped off his Nasi Bryani with added chicken........after that was the trip to sentosa, with the windows wind down, we experienced the wind against our face and it was really damn shiok......no other way to describe it, way better than air-con.....got there, sun tanned and while sun tanning, Sean and Darius played Chinese chess. It really is good to watch both of them play, very intriguing matchup.......anyway, once we decided it was enough sun tanning, went to cycle awhile, washed up and went to eat dinner at victoria street. Ate the Minced meat noodle, which was super nice, and ordered carrot cake to share which was also extremely tasty. Then Darius decided to show us all the "kick ass" houses in Singapore so we went travelling in Jek's Car and saw this really huge "house"(if it can be called that......outside at the porch can see around 5 sports cars lining up and the porch was lighted up by a huge Chandelier. AND, at another part of that house, there was a HUGE Eagle statue there.....wow,the person who stays there must be like the most extravagant man in Singapore. Next house, was the Palace, which was shaped like a castle, there was even a "tower" and the steps leading up to the front door reminded me of what I always imagined Cinderalla would walk up to attend the ball. Interesting..........

Saturday
Went to play soccer but it rained(*&^%$#@!), so not only did I get soaked, we had to cancel our soccer practice because of lightning. Damn it, go all the way back to Yio Chu Kang, take taxi with Shawn and Jason from there to cactus rd then in the end never play. But anyway, went to Junction 8 after that for dinner and to search for jobs(again). I applied for a sales assistant job at this kiosk selling shirts, hopefully can get it. Btw, dinner sucked! Yes, the Ban Mian which cost $3.80 was tasteless! Causeway Pts Ban Mian is only $3 and it taste so much better and has so much more in terms of quantity. Well, after that met Vanessa at Bishan Mrt to send her back home, its good to have seen her again after such a long time(12 days is long ok) and it looks like everything is back to normal between us. Haha, ok will end here.........

Why so sad?
Your happiness is important to me
Cheer up girl..........=D

wings tear my body apart at [12:21 PM]

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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

http://spaces.msn.com/darius182/PersonalSpace/

My response to some of darius's qns in his blogs..........make up the bulk of this blog entry........so go take a look at it......go to blog then see the comments.

Well,next is some news I just recieved......my grandmother got cancer(stage 4),estimated 9 mths left to live......won't comment anymore about this............

Next is I got into the specialisation course of my choice RTM......BM0526-->apparently same class as Wan Yi,I think they group people who are in the same class with each other......

Dare you to move (by switchfoot)
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existance
Everyones here,everyones here
Everybodys watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next? What happens next?

[Chorus]
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened,
today never happened before...

Welcome to the fall out,
Welcome to resistance,
Redemption is here, redemption is here,
Between who you are and who you could be,
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened,
today never happened...

Maybe redemption has stories to tell,
Maybe happiness is right where you fell,
Where can you run to escape from yourself
Where are you gonna go? Where are you gonna go?
Salvation is within you...
[Chorus]
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened,
today never happened, today never happened,
today never happened before

Its a nice song.......seriously.......heard it from darius's labtop.......its perfect for anyone who is down and out.......and is feeling lost or sad........wasted I didn't know about this song last time,could have helped me......well dats about it for now......

wings tear my body apart at [12:48 PM]

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

3 parts to this blog entry

1.) I just don't understand why some guys behave like a bitchy girl in some 3rd rate chick flick, getting jealous over someone's "popularity"........my god, grow up man(if thats the correct sex and age to address you by), if someone is better than you, then a) live with it or b) improve yourself!!! And after another incident, I realised that nowadays, people always make a mountain out of a molehill, making every little problem seem like the end of the world......I mean, yea, there are bound to be problems in life but instead of just brooding over it, just think of ways to solve it or just let it go! Unless of course its a extremely big problem, people should just start enjoying what they have instead of worrying about the things they don't have.....makes sense doesn't it? Life is never going to be perfect, life will always be full of problems but if you sweat your ass off over some little problem, then you'll be dehydrated by the time a really big problem surfaces. So the moral of the story is.........why cry over a small thing when there are so many things in life to smile about? =)

2.) I NEED A JOB!!!!!!!! So I bessech all who is reading this now to please intro me a job if you got any er........"lobang"(it doesn't sound right somehow but what the heck.......)I prefer those customer service jobs like the one I did at causeway point. I also don't mind trying out retail job or even cashiering or data entry....actually anything is ok la,cannot be fussy anymore,so once more please please contact me if anyone know of any opening for jobs. I'm not going to lie, I want the money, I have to pay my insurance every month($70) and my pocket money including transport and all 3 meals is $200 so I'm really tight in terms of cash,furthurmore my own personal bank account which used to hold around 1k+ is slowly depleting and has never really from the blow it suffered the other time.........$500+ flying away is no small amount especially when its for something which will haunt me for the rest of my life.........there I go again...... gotta stop this, what's done is done, I can't change what happened so ya......anyway I'm digressing,as I said, I need the money more than the experience now,somemore my parents won't dare to increase my pocket money. So ya,I'm already checking out the papers for jobs but all the high paying jobs hard to get into la,that one only must have insider than can get one so.....ya......that's about it =P

3.) The 3rd part is basically dedicated to someone whom I don't want to lose. Well, I'm frankly a bit stunned after the unexpected er........incident. I'm sorry if I didn't really react well, I was really too surprised and I couldn't really think well at that time.......so I'm sincerly hope that you'll read this and trust that whatever I say now is the truth. You were there when I was down and out......I really really REALLY appreaciate all that you tried to do to ease my pain, cause it helped to hasten my healing process. However, I know myself and I can tell you that I haven't really gotten over what happened.......I still have nightmares occasionally and everytime I wake up after that I'll be filled with deep remorse once more.......I'm now extremely overprotective over the ones whom I care about, I don't want to see them hurt and this will make me severly restrict you, especially if you become the main person in my heart........I can't help it,its just like a side-effect I guess, I'm trying to change this and other things that will affect our relationship so lets remain as friends please.........let me allow time to heal my wounds fully......as you know, time is a great healer so all I'm asking for is some time to change........of course once you find someone else I'll be extremely happy for you but I don't ever want our friendship to end..........I hope you understand girl.......so all is the same between us now alrite? =D

NT-Crucifer is alive!
I'm starting to live again!

wings tear my body apart at [1:35 AM]

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

Back from chalet..........
I got 3 words for it
IT WAS FUN!!!
But I'm tired so I'll just summarise the chalet
First day went Wild Wild Wet
First night ate,played monopoly,played "pepsi cola 123",played bluff,talked.....slept at around 8am
Second day, woke up at 12pm,went to shop for bbq stuff,preparation for bbq
Second night was bbq itself,water bomb fight,1 shot bacardi(to brotherhood),talked again.....but this time it was more personal......very interesting conversation.......I couldn't take it though and slept around 1am...... alcohol + tiredness = sleep or death!!! And I'm not kidding.......
It was just one heck of a great chalet
Everyone could click with each other
Everyone was laughing
I enjoyed it immensely!!!
Enough said..........

I was listening to Darius's songs during the chalet and I realised I like this song by 3 doors down....its called "when I'm gone"

There's another world inside of me that you may never see.
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide.
Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find.
Maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind, maybe I'm just blind.

[Chorus]
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
Everything I am and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down even if I could, I'd give up everything if only for your good.
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong.
You can hold me when I'm scared but you won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone

With your psychological x-ray seeing under my skin,
I tried to tell you everything that I could not tell my friends.
Now roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone.
Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.
[Chorusx2]

Its a song with nice lyrics..........no?
Why do I like it?
Because this song could(or can?) speak for me

Its not the years in your life but rather, the life in your years that truly count.-->Its a cool sentence no?

You amaze me
With everything that you do
Will "us" ever work.........?

wings tear my body apart at [12:53 AM]

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Click on the nails to navigate

What is the truth
What is reality
What can't be removed
Is that part of humanity
See death in those eyes
As the flame dies
Then suddenly arise
Lingering on forever.....