Its not over till I breathe my last gasp of air

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I am getting lazier and lazier. Indeed, 2 weeks into the new semester and I have already skipped a total of around 5 hours of lessons? Hahaha, most of them are morning lessons and even though it starts at 9 instead of 8, I still can't wake up on time. Most lessons still suck, EFMA is killing me badly, business finance looks threatening(and boring), business law is interesting and ICT is not too bad I guess. Surprisingly marketing management and introduction to RTM are the lessons which I look foward to and this is no doubt down to lecturer and tutor of this module, Ms Brenda Lim. She's is by far one of the funniest teachers I have ever come across. This makes her lessons lively and in this way, its easier for me to listen and absorb whatever knowledge she has to impart. Another lesson I enjoyed was the French lesson. Yeah, we had a different tutor from the first tutorial and this tutor was way better. As most of my friends know, I'm always been interested in French (the language of romance) but the first tutor almost annihailated my interst. Thank goodness this week's tutor reinstated my faith in the language.

These few days however, my life has been goverened by soccer. Seriously, I've been training both the physical and technical side of the game and playing soccer regularly in school. The reason being I am involved in a match this saturday morning, playing for my friends's team so I am sort of a guest player and therefore it'll REALLY suck to suck. Heh, not only that, I've been watching Champions League matches in the morning(thus the late coming and usage of " annual leave") and having only a total of 4 hours sleep everyday, which I know is more than enough for some but hardly enough for myself. Ah, but i'm not complaining, afterall, this is called passion, no?

I was talking to Wan Yi on the train today and she brought up what I've been trying to hide and lie to myself all along. I've always told myself that maybe not showing my feelings for Vanessa earlier was the right thing to do as right now she's much happier without me and I'm living my life with no emotional "worries". After all, at that time I used to tell myself that I wasn't ready for a relationship after such a emotional draining episode of my life. I thought that if she were with me, I would severly restrict her,as being slightly paranoid, I would be overprotective. Then I realised, too late, that she filled the space within me with something that warmed me,warmed my body,warmed my spirit,warmed my heart. Whatever emotions of anger or hatred or disappointment and disgust I felt for myself, she somehow managed destroy all of it and gave me back what I lost...........my soul. No kidding, I felt hollow, I was confused, running around in circles, just a empty shell but she pulled me through it all. Yes, its over between us now, but there will always be a part of me, however small it may be, that will wonder what might have been if I had returned her affection earlier.

The important thing is that that chapter of my life is over. I don't know who will come along and sweep my feelings off their feet again, maybe she's in my life now, maybe she's just entered my life.....or maybe not. With a new class, I may just fall for one of my classmates right? Feelings are hard to control no? Hahaha, who knows what the future will bring, and who really wants to find out? Ok,long post so will stop here for now.

Life is a gamble, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
But you'll never win it all, nor will you lose everything.

wings tear my body apart at [11:26 PM]

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

School has started, met my new classmates. Yeah, some of them were familiar faces like Wan Yi, Ebby, Si yan, Lynette, Sylvia and Chalin. The rest are foriegn faces to me. Ok, maybe not England--Singapore foriegn, its more like Singapore--Malaysia foreign as I've seen them in my lectures. Nonetheless, out of my clique, its only me and Wan Yi and thats like seriously...........horrifying??????? Hahahaha, just kidding mon ami. She's like the only one whom I can really talk to in the class. I don't know why, but I'm not making much effort to know my other classmates and apparently neither are they that eager to know me cause they all came in with their own cliques so they will stick to their own clique rather than mixing with others. Well, i'm not really complaining, though I seriously miss my old class, having classes with all my other closer frens. I hate to admit this, but I actually miss shawn throwing paper balls around in class!!!!! Ahh.......I used talk a lot in tutorials and lectures but now i've reverted to my silent persona. As I said, only got Wan Yi whom I can to talk to comfortably. Though I'm extremely comfortable and to a certain extent, enjoy being a loner la.

But you know what? I don't really care cause during the breaks all of us still meet up for lunch and still crap about! Yea, I'm actually amazed that even though all of us have split up, majority of them being in TEP and Sean in CRM, we still manage to find the 12pm slot available for lunch! So basically, I'm just "alone"(haha,ok, with wan yi la-->must stress this point otherwise she say I act pathetic =D) during lessons but during breaks nonsense reigns again! Hahahaha, seeing shawn mess his table while eating, seeing khairul laugh like mad and saying "noob", crapping with ashley and darius, chatting with lex and sean and jek and feli and lihua, getting suaned by Wan Yi left right centre,24/7. May the good times never end! =P

Yeah, may the good times never end..................but I know that for every beginning there is an end, its just a matter of when. Just a matter of when and how it ends.

You know I'm still kicking myself for my foolishness, my inability to cherish what I had. I miss you, miss everything about you. I miss your calls, I miss calling you whenever I feel like talking to someone, miss your laughter, miss your cheerfulness, simply every little thing about you.........

wings tear my body apart at [8:42 PM]

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Sunday, April 16, 2006

The best way feel better after something that gets you down, is to actually immerse yourself in things you enjoy, simple things sitting at mcdonalds with your friends and chatting, playing games, watching soccer with your friends etc. It doesn't mean that the pain will go away straight away, but at least you're occupied so you can't think about the matter which has made you sad. Its sort of like damage control. The more you dwell on a problem, the deeper the wounds become. So its best to just pick myself up and just live my life like normal, accept this as part of life's many lessons it wants us to learn and be a wiser and stronger person in life.

Its not as easy as I make it sound. Its incredibly hard, but challenge yourself, how strong are you mentally and emotionally? How confident are you in yourself to be able to take the problems you face in your stride? For myself, I am always confident in myself and it'll take something very very huge to really upset me. Every time I wake up, its a new day, a new beginning to do everything that needs to be done. They say the past is the past, that's where it'll remain, just a memory, yet each memory has shaped us into what we've become today. So there is no need for us to look back and regret, no need to look back and wonder what might have been, just to look foward and work towards what you want it to be.

Solitude, insanity,illusions,,lies,deception,greed,lust........................
Let us not be drawn into these just because something doesn't go our way

You may have bled before, you may be bleeding now, you may wish that things will change for the better, you may wish that life and love will go your way from now on, you may hate what happened, you may hate what is happening, you may have let yourself drown in sorrow, you may have let yourself fall from grace.................

No more "may have"
Just think "will have"
Thats the key to being happy if your sad now............

Life is so unpredictable, it can deal you a full hand or a busted flush.

wings tear my body apart at [2:52 PM]

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Friday, April 14, 2006

I LOST

I TRIED
BUT
I FAILED

SICK MIRACLES
DO
HAPPEN

FUCK

wings tear my body apart at [9:34 PM]

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

How can I stop trying? I don't want to lose you. I want to stop being here alone without you in my life. No matter what I say here, it won't be of any importance. No matter what I say or whatever words I use, it won't mean a thing. I'm going to show you that I just need to have you in my life. NO MATTER WHAT! I'm just going to do the craziest thing to make you smile again, to make you be part of my life again. And should I, through some sick miracle, happen to fail............then just know that I won't ever forget the times I had with you.

My mind is not mine to command, don't you understand how much I would like to forever relive the night where I held you, kissed you, made you smile and enjoy the beauty and pureness of two souls connecting emotionally under a starry night sky.

Its time to do something right in my life for once.........

wings tear my body apart at [11:13 AM]

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Sunday, April 09, 2006

Got a new blog,but this one's still in use.

Blog url:

www.crucifer-ntljr.blogspot.com

Super creative blog url eh.........=P

wings tear my body apart at [3:49 AM]

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Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hmm............this blog post is to answer that annonymus person......

Love..........firstly,i'm going to clarify that I do not comprehend the meaning of love, there is no actual definition, its just a feeling you get. Secondly, I have, admittedly, used the word "love" rather loosely in the past but I am not going to do so anymore. Love is a sacred feeling, not to be mixed up with crushes or infatuations.

This however, is what I believe will define me loving a someone...............

To me, I know that there are sometimes no prizes in love, but there will always be some sort of pain. However, love is when I am concerned over a person's well being, when that person's pain is my agony, the person's joy is my happiness, when I realise I'm willing to sacrifice many things just to see that person smile. I'm ready to suffer for that someone just so that all of her pain is either eased or erased. I ready to do anything just to make that person happy. I might be in the darkest hour of my life, but the knowledge that she's happy is enough to keep me going and each time she smiles, my life is brightened. Love is when I realise that the person is the main reason I wake up each morning and she's constantly on my mind the whole day, that she's all I think about before I sleep, she's the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up. Maybe she may never love me and may never be with me, and maybe she may be in love with someone else........but still I'll be happy because all that really matters to me is that she's happy. I would love her for her,for both her good points and her bad points. Love is selfless, love is uncontrollable and love is the sweetest feeling I could ever feel.

And I realise, after typing all this, that maybe,just maybe.............i have been in love already.......

Yea,thats about it.........hope it answered you! =D

wings tear my body apart at [2:39 AM]

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Click on the nails to navigate

What is the truth
What is reality
What can't be removed
Is that part of humanity
See death in those eyes
As the flame dies
Then suddenly arise
Lingering on forever.....